A few months after Brian’s girlfriend called me and I ended things, I ran into him in the 72nd street train station near the store where we met. He kind of cornered me as I got onto the 2 train. Our conversation was a lot of pleading from him and eye rolling from me, but here are some interesting tidbits. Brian told his girlfriend that my number “actually belonged to the girlfriend of one of his male coworkers and the male coworker had been calling/texting from his girlfriends phone because his phone had died” that’s why a girls number was in his phone. *blank stare* but get this… she accepted his story and they stayed together! Even though our texts were very flirtatious and we were on the phone for hours at a ti– you know what nevermind. If she accepted his dumb lie, there’s no need for me to dissect how silly it all is.

Brian leaned in close and whispered, “I’m sorry that she called you. She’s crazy, you know?”

I pulled back, “She’s not crazy, she’s right. She thought you were cheating and you were. How does that make her crazy?” I waited a good minute for him to give an answer, which he couldn’t.

Have you ever noticed that lots of men have a “crazy girlfriend” or a “crazy ex”? Women are easily written off as crazy and everyone just accepts it, but our “crazy” doesn’t just come out of nowhere. If we were possessive/snooping/didn’t trust from the beginning, guys wouldn’t enter relationships with us.

My philosophy is that I refuse to let a man drive me crazy, what’s the point in having a boyfriend that I don’t trust? That’s no fun. Being the crazy girlfriend is time consuming and that snooping/distrustful behavior often makes men break up with us, which is so annoying when they’re the reason we got to that level of cuckoo in the first place.

*sigh* Here’s a few things for us to think about:

1.) Womans intuition is a real thing… like very real. But because intuition is intangible, nuanced and basically impossible to pin down, people who don’t have it (*ahem* men) will convince women that our intuition is just us being “crazy”, that we’re just paranoid. But, the truth is we can feel/pick up on things and there’s nothing wrong with that. Brian’s girlfriends intuition told her something was up, she listened to it, found information that validated it and then let her boyfriend convince her that she was wrong.

2.) Is having a boyfriend worth your sanity/peace of mind? I would not do well with a boyfriend that always had me “wondering”. I’m just not wired to get over something like inappropriate contact with other girls, I’m the type that believes that emotional affairs are just as bad as physical ones and I don’t really believe in meaningless intimacy. So, that said– if my boyfriend jeopardized our trust, there’s no coming back from that for me. No matter how much I love him, my sanity is worth too much to me and wondering what he’s doing, who he’s with, etc. would put me on an express train to crazytown. If you find yourself checking phones, feeling uneasy about other women and doing other “crazy” things, ask yourself if its worth it. Ask yourself if this is the type of girlfriend you want to be. The answer just might liberate you from the drama.

3.) If you meet a guy who says he has a “crazy ex” don’t just nod and accept that statement. Guys make that statement to exonerate themselves and also to make you think twice before listening to your own intuition. Cause if you do, they’ll hit you with the “you’re acting like my ex!” line and make you feel bad (but maybe they’re treating you like they treated their ex *shrugs*). Ask questions: What did she do that was crazy? What made her do that? Was she always like that? You might learn a lot about his past behaviors and avoid dating someone who can’t be a good boyfriend. I always like to remind men that THEY are the variable that made a girl suddenly nuts.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this one… Any of you dated someone with a crazy ex? Any of you BECOME the crazy girlfriend or ex? Chime in below!

My phone chimed with a text message…

-I want to see you

It was Brian, the 6’4, chocolate-brown hottie I had given my number to in a random moment of super self-confidence.

It had been a week since our steamy first date, and we’d been talking on the phone and texting every day. I knew I had to be careful with Brian because our attraction was so intense. The chemistry we had in just our eye contact was enough to pull me out of my comfort zone and make me give him my number. The chemistry we had on the dance floor was enough to make me break my rules about first date kissing. I knew it was a slippery slope with him because I wanted him physically but I was looking for something more than just mutual attraction. I was ready for a relationship and I needed to make sure I got to know more about Brian before things went any further. I sent him a text back

-I’m free tonight, where do you want to go?

(Side Note: When I text a guy “what do you want to do?” 99% of the time it sends their mind straight to the gutter and I get a sexual response, but asking “where do you want to go?” lets them know that I’m looking for a get to know you/dating situation). He texted back:

-Lets go to the movies

-Cool, when do you want to pick me up?

-How about we just meet at the theater. 9pm?

I frowned a bit at him not wanting to pick me up properly, especially since he’d be passing my apartment in order to get to the theater downtown. But I brushed off my annoyance and agreed to meet him at 9pm.

Around 7:30, as I was getting out of the shower, I got a phone call, but it was “Private”. Normally I ignore blocked numbers but every once in a while curiosity gets the best of me,

“Hello?”

“Yeah, who’s number is this?” a woman’s voice answered.

“Excuse me?”

“Who’s number have I reached? What’s your name?” she pressed.

“You called my phone, so maybe you should let me know who you are…” I said slowly.

There was a pause.

“Do you know someone named Brian?” the voice said.

My heart dropped.

“No, sorry… I don’t,” I sighed.

“Are you sure?” she said, I could hear the exasperation in her voice. “I’m his girlfriend and I found this number in his phone.”

“I don’t know him,” I said. Which was the truth… two weeks of talking on the phone, a date and a make-out session clearly doesn’t mean you know a person.

There was no way I was going to act out some Brandy and Monica “The Boy is Mine” drama with this girl over Brian. She could have him. I hung up the phone, threw on my fuzzy robe, poured a glass of wine and curled up on my couch.

At 9:15 Brian started calling to see where I was, I ignored his calls. At 9:30, he sent a text.

-Hey gorgeous, are you close?

-Your girlfriend called me, good luck with that.

I hope you guys are having a fabulous Valentines Day!

Mine is off to a great start, flowers from my Dad arrived yesterday (he’s my #1 Valentine) and Robert is doing a good job coming in second

I’m always a fan of a day devoted to love. I always take this day to remind myself that my relationship status has no bearing on my value as a person. I wrote a post called “I Haven’t Changed” a few Vdays ago where I reminded myself that having a boy in my life doesn’t change/validate me and it still rings true. I will continue to work on loving myself and keep my fingers that the people around me will do the same.

Now for today’s fashion! Don’t forget that I’m giving away FIVE prizes for the Plus Size Princess Style challenge (#PSPstyle). For details on how to enter/win click here!

Here’s my #PSPstyle outfit from last night and todays Valentines day festivities (you can’t tell but I’m wearing fishnets with a seam and cute little bows up the back… and an awesome bra/panty set from Lane Bryant):

Paisley Pink Dress by Igigi, everything else is available below!

“I really want to make things work with her,” a male acquaintance of mine said during a birthday dinner. “Part of me wonders if I’m determined to make things work because I worked so hard to get her. I mean, I really chased her in the beginning.” He took a sip of his drink and I waited patiently for him to continue.

Its not often that I get to listen to a straight guy analyze his relationship, so I was all ears! (I won’t detail this guys relationship issues, but he’s got some very legit reasons why he’s working things out with his girl.) Anyway, he explained to me that he used his best “game” to get his girlfriend years ago. He had wined her and dined her and won her over, so even though things weren’t perfect now, the memories of what he had done to get her when they first met helped him to hold on now.

Of course as he spoke, my mind drifted to my relationship with Robert.

Robert and I were “just friends” for a very long time. The elements of a romantic relationship were always there, but no lines were crossed, ever. Those of you who have been with me through the whole “Um… Are We Dating?” story on this blog have watched the progression of CeCe & Robert from coworkers, to friendship to dating unfold. You also know how other guys treated me and I think in those other relationships (particularly with Kevin and Adrian) there was a stronger “chase” element.

Hmmm… I thought to myself, Robert didn’t really “chase” me… we just spent time together, became friends and things developed over time. Should I have made him work harder to “get me”? Do guys really need “the chase” to be fully vested in a relationship?

My male acquaintance continued to talk through his relationship issues. “But you know,” he continued “Because I spent so much time chasing her, we never became friends. We’re trying to build a solid friendship now, but its hard to go backwards. If I had come at things differently from the start, learned about her… what she likes… what she doesn’t like… and then seen where things went– I think our relationship now would be much better now.”

Whoa, I couldn’t help but smile, what he described is pretty much how things unfolded with Robert and me. By the time Robert and I went on our first date, he knew so much about me. And the more time we spend together, the more he learns. There is a comfort level that we have that didn’t exist with the guys that chased me, but maybe that’s not a bad thing.

It might not be as overt as when guys run game, but I see Robert work to impress me and make me happy and I appreciate it. When it comes to courtship, I think that being friends first has its pros and cons. But in relationships I’m starting to think that the friendship foundation is key.

At the end of the day, the guys who “put in work to get me” aren’t around anymore… and Mr. “Friends First”, Robert is still here, so maybe that’s my answer… time will tell.

Do YOU believe in being friends first?

Hello CeCe,

I’m having a really hard time of letting go of what should stay in the past. Ok let me fill you in, I met my Ex boyfriend from an online dating site at the end of 2006. This was my first real relationship, I believe due to the fact im a PSP. So to make a long story short we fell in love and spent the next almost 4 years together. 2 and a half years into to the relationship that’s when things started going down hill due to the fact I felt as though he was ashamed of me because of my weight. Some of the reasoning behind my feelings was that the only people I’ve met was one of his sisters and one friends. I mean it took me two whole years to realize this because he explained he wasn’t really that close to his family. By the time i finally met his mother and siblings it was “too little too late ” type of feeling I had going on so I felt my heart grow cold.

So with me feeling cold-hearted there was a disconnect in our relationship, I believe that’s the reason why he started turning to other women, like texting, calling and whatever else. I really don’t know if he have ever physically cheated and to this day he claims he never has. He even went as far as reaching out to his Ex girlfriend that he was with right before me.

Even after feeling the way I felt we still stayed together up until June 2011. It seems like as soon as I broke up with him he went back to his Ex like I thought he would, but he swears up and down that he haven’t  been in touch with her for the last year or so. So it been close to a year and a half and we’re still in touch and he claims that he wants to be with me but I have my sources and I know he’s still going back a forth with his Ex.

CeCe I know you’re  thinking like “didn’t you not want to be with him in the first place” yes I know but I still want him to be in my life even if it’s being just friends but he definitely wants more, But I think he wants his Ex too, so its apparent I don’t trust him at all, so I don’t know why I feel we can remain in each others lives. I even tried to sit down and ask him where does he place her in his life and if he ever loved her or love her now and he continues to say he never loved her and that I was his First love and so forth. So I say all this to ask you should I just let him go and if so what are the steps I can take to get him out of my system all over again? I know that this is all over the place but he is  a good dude and he explained he never meant to do what he did and he was younger and now he knows what he wants. But the thing is I’m not quite sure of what I want yet.  I just know I want honesty…

Sincerely,

Evans Ex

Hey Evans Ex,

Thanks for reaching out! Sounds like you’ve got a lot going on. Hopefully, I can pull together some answers for you based on what you wrote here.

In general, this seems to be a drama filled situation, so I’d like to address that first. This dude always likes to have a girl (or two) waiting in the wings in case things with his current girlfriend go badly. He was unhappy with you, so he cheated instead of just breaking up with you– that seems like a cowardly move to me. This pattern has been done to you and with you, so we know its not a one time thing.

I think drama-filled relationships often keep us from finding people we’re more compatible with. While you’re spending time worrying about a guy who seeks the attention of other women, runs back to his ex as soon as he can and (in my opinion) plays head games… there’s a stand-up dude out there that you haven’t met yet. You to are not married, tell the kid to kick rocks and move forward with your life. I guess if it were that simple, you wouldn’t be writing to me though, so lets dig a little deeper, shall we?

You found the confidence to let him go… why entertain him again once he’s shown his true colors? I think the answer lies in your letter.

You mentioned that being a PSP (Plus Size Princess) was the root of two issues 1.) Not having a boyfriend in the past 2.) Him not introducing you to his family. I think those thoughts are pretty normal, I know I have similar thoughts… but I’m wondering if they’re breeding insecurities for you that go even further than that… are you nervous that you might not find someone else who will accept you at your size? Does the comfort level you have with your ex make it seem easier to deal with his nonsense than to find someone new? …just things to think about.

Now to the questions you asked at the end of your email “So I say all this to ask you should I just let him go and if so what are the steps I can take to get him out of my system all over again?”

Yes, you should just let him go.

The main step to get him out of your system is to accept that you cannot be “just friends” with him. Point blank, period. I know it sounds harsh and it will be hard to let go of him, but if you start to evaluate the questions I posed earlier hopefully you can start to figure out the real reasons you’re holding onto this relationship that as you said in the first line of your email “should stay in the past”.

I’m sure he’s a good guy, but I’m sure you can find an even better guy.

xoxo,

CeCe

CeCe@thebiggirlblog.com

Anyone else have advice for Evans Ex?

Even though I have an entire blog dedicated to my life as a Plus Size Princess, it’s very hard for me to discuss my weight and weight related issues “in real life”. As Robert and I continue to navigate our relationship, I’m realizing more and more that I have to let him in on what I go through as a PSP even though its difficult. I make vague comments to him that are rooted in my insecurities and while I know what I’m talking about, Robert doesn’t and he just thinks I’m being weird.

I read every single comment you guys post on TBGB and the comments on last week’s post made me realize that I have to clue Robert in on the way I feel people, specifically women, react to us as a couple from time to time. When male strangers make comments to us it’s usually a straightforward compliment about me; “lucky guy”, “take care of that one”, “look, its Beyoncé!” etc. When female strangers have opinions, it’s always so subtle and nuanced that explaining it almost makes me feel crazy, even though I know what’s happening.

So the other night on the phone, I put it all on the table with Robert. I talked about the woman on the train, the girl who assumed he was dating someone else even though he was buying my drinks and a few other incidents that I was sensitive about. I can’t remember everything I said, but it went something like this:

“… for whatever reason, people don’t always think we ‘match’ and so they do things that make me uncomfortable. I also think they assume I’m desperate to be with you, even though we both know we could be with other people if we wanted to…” I was stammering to get my point across, but I kept going. “… based on what people have said and done I know they think that I’m WAY more vested in our relationship than you are. So, that makes it hard for me to stand up for what we have… because, if I’m constantly letting people know that we’re together while you sit back quietly, I feel like I’m just feeding into a ‘thirsty big girl trying to keep her man’ image.”

“CeCe, you know I don’t care what people think. I know what it is between us, so those things don’t matter to me,” Robert said.

“I know…”

“But, some of the things you’ve brought up I had no idea were happening… now that I know what bothers you, I’ll probably be more aware of when it happens than you are!”

I smiled into the phone.

“I guess,” Robert continued “I don’t pick up on things like that because it’s not the way I see things. I mean, if people think we don’t ‘match’ I would assume it was mostly because of me…”

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“Well, you’re like… an heiress-princess type of girl. And I’m like a regular plain guy. You’re always put together and fancy, I’m lucky if my clothes match.”

I was stunned silent. This whole time, I was hurting over the idea that people were thinking what is HE doing with HER? Meanwhile, he just figured everyone wondered what is SHE doing with HIM? I was focused on the negative way people on the outside of my relationship saw me instead of how positively the person on the inside of my relationship saw me.

Does this mean, I’ll never be hurt by another snide remark? No. But I have a whole new perspective on what we’ve got going. Now that Robert and I are on the same page, he has the chance to be more sensitive, while I have a change to grow a thicker skin.

I’m so thankful to you guys for the comments you leave on this blog. A few of your stories are what encouraged me to get out of my own head and talk things through with Robert and I’m glad I did.

xoxo

Last night I attended an artist showcase hosted by Roberts cousin. The event would be swarming with Roberts friends and family so I wanted to look cute. I managed to pull myself together in a black strapless maxi dress, wedge sandals, a chunky iridescent necklace and my new strapless bra (that kept “the twins” right where they needed to be).

When I arrived at the gallery, Robert introduced me to a few people I hadn’t met before and we settled into a pretty good night with music, spoken word and a fashion show along with cocktails and appetizers. I always like watching Robert interact with “his boys” so I pretty much played the background, listening and laughing when appropriate. As Robert talked with the guys, he would do little things like stroke my bare shoulder or lean over to explain who people were as they got up to perform.

In the middle of one set, a girl named Deena came over to Robert and his friends. After she said hello to everyone, Robert put his arm around me to pull me closer to the group, “Deena, you remember CeCe right? You met her a while back…”

“Oh yeah! How are you?” she said.

“I’m fine… good to see you!,” I replied, breaking free from Robert to hug her, “I need another glass of wine, can I get you anything?”

“Sure, actually I’ll come with you!” she said.

I made sure Robert didn’t need anything and then Deena and I headed to the bar. We ended up chatting by ourselves for a long time. She caught me up on her life since I had last seen her which included a new job, moving to a new apartment and a break up with her boyfriend. Robert caught my eye from across the room and I gave him a smile, letting him know that I was fine talking to Deena. We continued chatting about her dating life and how she felt about being back on the market, and then she said “what about you, are you seeing anyone?”

I almost spit out my wine, because I thought she was joking. But she just looked at me waiting for an answer. Once I realized she did not know that Robert and I were an item, I quickly said, “Well, um… yes. I am.” Deena wasn’t around Robert every day, but they catch up enough that she should know the answer to her question. I searched her eyes once more for any indication of a joke, but she just smiled.

“That’s nice, good for you” she said. And then changed the subject.

On the way home, I told Robert what happened. He frowned, “I don’t know why she’d ask you that, I’ve told her all about you. She knows we’re dating. Deena can be really… weird sometimes.”

Then Robert asked the million dollar question, “why didn’t you just tell her you’re seeing me?”

Something you all should know about me is that I am never good in the moment. Maybe it’s because I’m a Cancer, but I’m the type of person who will meet a crazy situation with complete silence and then 24 hours later think of a million things I wish I had said. While some people can confront any situation right away, I’m not like that. When I get upset or uncomfortable, my immediate reaction is to retreat. I need time to collect myself and pull my thoughts together before I can address things that bother me.

As I’m sitting here writing this story to you, I feel like an idiot for not just saying “Yes, I’m dating Robert”. It seems so simple! But one of Roberts friends (a female friend) not knowing that he and I are dating sent a swirl of questions into my head. Why doesn’t she know we’re dating? Isn’t it obvious that we’re together? Is he keeping it from Deena? Is he keeping it from other people?

Deena’s question sent me head first into an ocean of my own insecurities. I realized that although Robert has never given me any reason to feel like he was keeping our relationship a secret from anyone, there’s a part of me that is waiting for something outrageous like that to happen. I hear so many stories about Plus Size Princesses who get “played” by guys in one way or another. I’ve got my share of crazy dating stories and I think in the back of my mind I’m wondering if its possible for me to actually have a real/legit relationship. I think I’m waiting for the “catch” and so Deena’s question sent me into a bad place.

I hate that my insecurities give other people that kind of power.

Now, I’m realizing how personal insecurities can be detrimental to relationships and how important it is to work those things out as much as possible before we drag other people through unnecessary drama. This is something I need to work on.

Have any of you had your insecurities get in the way with your boyfriends/husbands/girlfriends? How did you address it?

Remember last week when I was eavesdropping on the girls at the gym? After listening to her plan to have each one of her friends hook her up with one person, I realized… I’ve never been hooked up by a friend.

I’ve seen it happen plenty of times to other people, “you should meet my friend____”, “are you dating anyone right now? I have someone I want you to meet…”, “I’ve got a great guy for you!” These phrases are always offered so casually to my friends and co-workers but never in my years of dating has anyone ever had someone they thought should meet me.

You already know where I’m going with this– I can only assume its my weight.

My friends are loving and supportive, but I’m wondering if somewhere subconsciously I’m not viewed as “eligible” in the ways that my (skinny)friends are.

I’m not upset, I’ve just been pondering this. I’m also wondering if I would even want my friends to attempt to set me up?

As a reader mentioned in a Curvy Conversation a while back, anyone who attempts to hook up a Plus Size Princess has a duty to “disclose the fat”. They’ve got to do more than say we’re a “great girl” and describe our winning personality. They’ve got to make sure the guy knows exactly who he’s being set up with. It takes sensitivity and work. I’m not sure I’d want anyone tip-toeing around my looks with a stranger, so maybe it’s for the best that my friends haven’t attempted anything.

Have any of YOU ever been hooked up/set up by a friend? How did it go?