If I were a boy…
Even just for a day…
I’d roll outta bed in the morning
Say “forget my morning workout” and go…
Drink beer with the guys…
Eat fries that curl…
Eat hot wings when I wanted
And I’d never get confronted for it.
Cause fat wont stick to me…

In February, Robert and I both hatched a plan. My plan was to eat more fruits and veggies, drink at least 32oz of water a day, hit the gym 4 days a week and bring my lunch to work. His plan was to stop drinking soda and eat salad for lunch once a week. We both followed through on our plans, I ordered light meals when we went out, postponed our dates so I could hit the gym first and he ate salads once a week. Six weeks later I had lost 15 pounds and Robert had lost… 15 pounds.

Roberts la-di-da attitude got him the same results as my sweat, tears and meticulous planning… WHY?!

*shakes fist to the sky*

While I think its great that Robert doesn’t struggle with his weight, it can sometimes mean bad news for me because these days I eat probably eat 40-50% of my meals with him. And we all know how hard it is to order a salad while seating across from someone who wants drinks, appetizers, and dessert with their meal.

The good news is that Robert isn’t the type that pressures me to lose weight. He’s super supportive of what I want to do and says that I inspire him to eat better/work out more, but at the same time he doesn’t see the point in deprivation.

For the past few weeks I’ve been inching close to the 20 pounds lost mark, but its not going as quickly as it should and I know its because of all the “extra” eating I’m doing with Robert. Last week I explained as much to him and told him I planned on being a stickler with my calorie intake with him (especially the calories that come from wine).

I’m starting to decipher between the meals that are just about spending time together and the meals that are about food. If we’re having dinner on a random Tuesday night, I’ll be “good”, but if we’re trying out a new restaurant that we’ve been eying I’ll let myself order whatever they’re famous for (even if its dripping with butter) and work it off at the gym later.

This would all be so much easier if I were a boy!

Happy Friday!

I’m not quite sure how to say this, so I’ll just start:

I’ve been getting a lot of emails and comments about the content of TBGB. Some people want to hear more about my general life in New York City, some people only want to see posts about being a big girl. Some people are nice, some not so nice.

You all know so much about me from this blog, but there’s a lot that I haven’t shared… I would like to share more of myself with you because you all share so much with me in your comments, tweets and emails.

Yes, I am a Plus Size Princess, but I also live in New York City (the most exciting city ever!) and have lots of cool experiences that have nothing to do with my weight. Moving forward, I plan on writing about some of those experiences because, in my opinion, that proves that you can live life 110% to the fullest at any size.

I just hope me sharing more of my life/thoughts doesn’t turn anyone away.

Have a good weekend!

xoxo,

CeCe

CeCe@thebiggirlblog.com

http://www.twitter.com/thebiggirlblog

It was 6:00pm last Friday night and I stood dripping wet in front of my gym locker holding a gym towel 3/4 of the way around my body. I had an event to attend right after work. It wasn’t feasible to run home and “get pretty”, so I decided to pack a bag and get dressed at the gym across the street from my office.

As the women around me rushed to get ready for their workouts I was pulling clothes out of my locker with one hand while using the other to hold my teeny tiny gym towel up. Although I’m always bigger than the other girls at the gym, I’ve never had a problem being naked in the locker room. I can easily whisk my bra off and pull on a sports bra or peel off a dress in exchange for gym shorts and a t-shirt without a second thought. But as I prepared for my event, I felt completely uncomfortable.

Then it hit me; there’s a big difference between doing a quick change in public and getting dressed in public.

Getting dressed is more intimate. It involves more personal maintenance; applying lotions, creams, deodorants, powders etc. (and as a big girl with extra rolls nooks and crannies, I have to follow slightly different rules of hygiene to make sure I stay fresh like a daisy!)

I had a decision to make: I could either gather my things and go into the bathroom stall to get dressed in private, or I could move forward with my routine in public without apology.

The idea of laying my pretty clothes out near a toilet didn’t appeal to me and I didn’t have a lot of time before my event started, so I decided not to hide.

I stopped trying to cover my rolls with the teeny tiny gym towel because 1.) people probably had better things to do than stare at my naked body and 2.) If they did, its pretty clear that I’m a big girl and all the teeny tiny towels in the world wont change that.

So, I stood in front of my locker with my arsenal of lotions, creams, deodorants, tweezers, powders, etc. (yes, I’m high maintenance, don’t judge!) and I got ready in 40 minutes flat. As I left the gym feeling refreshed and ready for the night, I began to think.

How much time do I waste in life trying to hide my fat?

Especially in the summer. I’ve had too many summer mornings where I stand in front of the closet looking for an outfit that will hide my stomach, arms, inner thighs and keep me cool all at once. That outfit doesn’t exist! When I started showing my arms more last summer, it became way easier to get dressed in the mornings. I guess I started to realize that trying to hide something that is not going away is a little ridiculous of me.

As Plus Size Princesses we often spend so much time trying to hide our bodies. Some of us stuff ourselves into Spanx, some of us swim inside of baggy clothes… we all have different ways of hiding. But in the same way that a towel wouldn’t make my naked body any less fat, the things we do to hide our fat from the world don’t really work.

Of course, they make us feel better and foundation garments like Spanx create a smooth silhouette that I love. But even in the best girdle, I’m still a PSP. Even in the baggiest T-shirt, I’m still a PSP. I just think its important to put things in perspective. Maybe focus less on hiding the fat and more on making the fat look fabulous!

Have you heard Chris Brown’s “Dueces” song?

There’s a line in there that says like Tina did Ike in the Limo, it finally hit me. When I heard that lyric, I knew that Chris Brown would never see what he did the way most of us do. How could he site the most infamous domestic violence incident in pop-culture in one of his songs when he’s next in line for that title?

I’m soooo over Chris Brown! He may have forgotten his savage beating of a woman, but I haven’t.

Last night Robert and I  exited the train at West 4th and there was a huge crowd around the basketball courts. Robert said out loud to no one in particular “Is someone famous playing ball today?” then a stranger responded, “Yeah, Chris Brown!”

We both looked over the crowd and saw the “blonde bombshell” running up and down the courts. I guess he needed to let out some steam after breaking a window at Good Morning America earlier that morning. I snapped a photo because I could not believe he was making such a fool of himself in a single day.

“Do you think he’s ‘on something’?” Robert asked as we pushed our way through the crowd that was watching the CBreezy train wreck. I just shook my head.

A few weeks ago, Chris Brown leaked full frontal photos of his, um… “little Brown Chris” (sorry, I’m not posting those photos) and now Chris is having a public meltdown during the release of his comeback album.

My personal opinion is that the guilt of what he did is haunting him and making him ruin his own moment in the spotlight. Guilt can do funny things to a person (kind of like how OJ Simpson somehow managed to put himself in jail even when he was acquitted for murder).

Is Chris Brown on the Charlie Sheen band wagon? Does he really think we’re going to forget what he did do our precious RiRi? Also, where are his “people” and why aren’t they telling him to stop acting like an idiot

I have no clue, but it made for a very interesting evening!

Oh Igigi, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways…

Igigi by Yuliya Raquel is one of my favorite plus size boutiques. I met the Igigi team during Full Figured Fashion Week last summer and have since added three of their dresses to my wardrobe.

Today I am wearing the outfit featured below. I based today’s look on the Helena Dress, which Igigi so generously sent to me last week.  This dress is the perfect splash of color to make me feel like Spring is on the way. Its still a bit cold in NYC, so I threw on some tights and boots, but I look forward to wearing this with bare legs and open toed shoes when its warmer.

I’m rocking pearls, my favorite pink lip gloss, Ralph Lauren Romance perfume and this outfit also gave me an excuse to wear my new Betsey Johnson earrings that I mentioned on twitter the other day.

I have plans with Robert later tonight and I feel pretty, which is what a good dress should do!

P.S. Want to win a $50 gift card to Igigi? Just leave a comment on this post! xoxo

 

A few notes on this dress: I am 5’10 and the dress hits me above the knee, the A-line cut really slims my mid-section, the grey belt is a separate purchase. Also, this dress is on sale!

Dear Cece,

You are absolutely inspiring to me, sometimes when I read your blogs I feel as if you stole the words directly from my mouth. I feel like I should say that I live in a small southern town and I guess I am very old fashioned in relationships.   I’m terrified of rejection and I’m terrified to make the first move. Maybe it’s a southern thing, but then again maybe it’s just a me thing.  I’m lost in this world when it comes to guys.

In 2008 I had this weird little thing with a gorgeous southern guy. We never dated or went on a date.  We always hung out at his house or my friends house (it wasn’t anything near a relationship). From day one he tried to get me to fool around, but that is not who I am so I didn’t. Now looking back I am insanely glad to say that I never had sex with him.

But in a nutshell I was blindly in love, I recall wishing him a happy birthday on his facebook in December and a couple of days later my comment was deleted, there was no fight or anything different from what it had been. My first thought was “is he embarrassed by me?” my birthday followed in January which was the first time anything physical happened with the two of us. I never asked him about why my comment was deleted, but I felt like a closet friend. I didn’t realize until after this all ended that I was in love and completely heartbroken.

I believe this incident scarred me for life, I feel damaged in a way, I feel like no one will ever love me, call me pretty or want to be with me.  I don’t think I’m ugly but I don’t think that I’m pretty, I’m a size 24 and I’m 5’6″, I have people tell me quite often that I’m cute, or randomly have someone tell me that I’m really pretty but, its always girls.   I pride myself on the fact that I am really nice and down to earth with no drama, I’m in college and I have always spoken like I was educated, I work full time, drive a nice car, and live on my own. I feel like on paper a guy would be attracted to me… but no luck.

I’m lost, I’m 24 and surrounded by friends that are married, engaged, or in serious long relationships with kids.  I want to be married and to have children more than anything but I have not had anything close to a relationship since 2008. Part of me is scared and the other part scared that Ill never find anyone who will look at me as “more than a friend”, that will hold my hand in public, or to just call me to tell me they love me, that will lay next to me in bed and hold me.  I want to find love, But I’m terrified to be heartbroken again I’m terrified that men are repulsed by my weight.  I have standards and I want someone educated that I am attracted to that makes me laugh and who will love and accept me, when I talk about finding a guy My first thoughts are not how they look, but about them, their personality or background, I don’t understand how everything can be about looks and not about the person behind them. I need advice, I need guidance because the “It happens when your not looking” advice from my friends is not working for me because 3 years later I’m still single and sad.. Please Help me I need advice from someone who understands.

Yours Truly,

Tiffany

Hi Tiffany,

Have you ever watched an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race? If you haven’t you should… its amazing! Anyway, at the end of every episode, RuPaul says “and remember… If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?!”

That’s a pretty straightforward quote and its exactly how I feel. You have to love yourself first.

When I was in high school, one of my friends was an adorable Plus Size Princess who was obsessed with finding a boyfriend. Her self esteem was low because she felt like no boys liked her. She was incredibly talented, beautiful, a great friend and super smart. But because she didn’t have a boyfriend, she felt worthless.

Finally, during her freshman year in college, she found a guy and started dating him. Her confidence went up and she just seemed to shine. I really thought she was maturing, growing and seeing herself in a new light. Then he broke up with her. When she was single again, her confidence took a tumble right back down to where it used to be.

Why? Because she only loved herself when a boy loved her.

Reading your letter makes me feel like you’re waiting for a boy to come along and love you so that you feel valid. The truth of the matter is that you should already love yourself because you already are valid! Start doing things that make you happy. Take all the love that you’re saving for a boyfriend and pour it into yourself, because you deserve it. I like to love myself in a variety of ways: Manicures, Pedicures, Exercising, Long hot showers with candles, Eating Well, Walking in the sun… the list goes on and on!

I’d be curious to see what the other PSP’s have to say to you, but my final thoughts are this:

All guys want a girl who is confident and confidence comes in all sizes. You say that you’re “good on paper” but it sounds like your weight is bringing your confidence down. If that’s the case, you have two options: learn to accept/love your body or change it.

I personally am doing a mix of both. I have accepted the fact that I will never ever ever be skinny and I love that about me. At the same time I’ve made a commitment to be healthy and active for the rest of my life and that will include some weight loss, but again I will never be skinny.

While I will never be skinny, I will always love myself!

And like Miss. RuPaul says “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?!”

***three snaps***

xoxo,

CeCe

P.S. If you want to hear me talk more about Self Love, you can listen to the archives of the radio show I did a few weeks back.

Send your Curvy Conversations questions to CeCe@thebiggirlblog.com

It was a Friday night and I was standing in line for the bathroom at the movie theater on 14th street. Usually when I make a mad dash to the ladies room after a movie I’m accompanied by one or two girlfirends, but this time I stood in the bathroom alone.

Robert and I had just seen The Kings Speech (per my request, but he loved it!) and I loved seeing a movie with him. Movies with Robert is becoming one of my favorite things. I love hanging back while he tells the teller “two tickets for ____”. Sitting close to him without having to say anything. Our legs intertwining and glancing over at each other when we make even the smallest noise. Its a simple activiy, but its intimate and relaxing.

I watched the other girls in the bathroom while I washed my hands. There were groups of girls who had seen a movie together, these girls weren’t spending too much time in the mirror and were dressed pretty casually in jeans, with their hair up in ponytails.

Then there were those of us who were in the bathroom alone. I ran my fingers through my hair and adjusted my skirt. The girl next to me applied lip gloss and blotted the “shine” from her face. We all ended our time in the bathroom by giving ourselves a final glance before we walked out to the man that was waiting for us. It was such a predictable performance that I felt a little silly, but I couldn’t help it!

As I walked out of the bathroom, Robert was waiting against the wall with a string of other guys. One by one they peeled off the wall to greet the girl they were waiting for. As the redhead in front of me walked towards her boyfriend, he handed her purse over to her. As I approached Robert, I gave him a small smile and rubbed his arm as we headed towards the escalators.

“Its funny,” he said “all of us guys were waiting against the wall for our dates when you girls came out we all coupled off… like a wedding or something.”

I laughed. Thinking back at the primping wen a weird way, his assessment wasn’t too far off….

It’s funny to me that as much as my experiences with Robert are new and exciting, they’re pretty standard. Something as simple as a movie date is exhilarating to me, but there are at least 20 other girls in the movie theater going through the same thing. Robert and I are just like the thousands of other couples in New York City… and I like that.

Walking into my first BBW Party in Los Angeles was like walking into a high school dance.

Club Bounce was located in the ballroom of a budget hotel. There were three large women collecting tickets behind a folding table. Once we paid our cover, our names were immediately dropped into a raffle bowl for prizes that would be announced later that night. I’ve never seen these things at mainstream clubs, but BBW clubs seem to think we come out for the chance at a free digital camera (*shrugs*).

Vanessa, my friend who works for Kiyonna (maybe some of you have seen her videos?) looked fabulous in a black dress with rouching up the front and funky boots and I was rocking my Kiyonna BoHo Chic look in honor of her. We both looked good and were feeling good after a nice dinner filled with girl talk.

Vanessa and I walked to the bar and ordered drinks and the high school vibe continued. On one side of the room were small clusters of Plus Size Princesses of all shapes, sizes, colors and ages. On the other side of the room were all the men. The DJ was playing music to an empty dance floor and balloons waived slowly under the air conditioner.

There was no mingling or flirting, everyone just sat in their respective corners and drank for about an hour.

Eventually some girls got up and began to dance with each other. Then slowly a crowd began to form on the dance floor. Vanessa and I were dancing too when I spotted a PSP sitting in the corner with her hands folded in her lap. I’m not sure if it was the high school dance elements of the night, but seeing her sitting there like a wall flower really made me sad so I marched over to her.

“Hi, are you here by yourself?” I asked.

“Yes,” she replied with a shy smile.

“Oh, wow… how are you liking it so far?”

“Its fine… I mean I’ve never been to a club before so…”

“Never been to a club, ever?!”

“Nope.”

I called Vanessa over, “this is Vanessa and I’m CeCe… come hang with us!” I said motioning for her to stand up. She hesitated and then said “okay”.

Being at a party alone is never fun, so Vanessa and I took her under our wing for the night. Watching her was fascinating because things like a guy asking her to dance were clearly new to her. As she danced with one guy, he turned her back to so that he could dance with her from behind and she thought he was done with her, so she kept walking and left him on the dancefloor. I had to tell her to turn around because he was standing there confused!

Over all the guys at Club Bounce weren’t very exciting. In my opinion, they made their business clear when they didn’t bother to talk and mingle with the PSP’s early in the night. It almost seemed as if they waited for the girls to get liquored up so that they could spend the evening humping them on the dance floor. I even heard one guy mention that he had a hotel room upstairs, which was a little disheartening.

Of course, we all know that NYC BBW clubs aren’t a place to look for love, and the California clubs are no different from what I can tell. But you never know… I was inspired when I noticed a nerdy guy in a sweater vest approaching our shy friend in a very repsectful way. Vanessa and I left them alone on the dance floor where they danced to song after song after song.

I felt like a proud Mom!