This morning Robert noticed that the price tags on my brand new sweater were visible through the knit. Too lazy to take the sweater off, I turned my back to him “Can you just tear it off?” I asked. He reached down the back of my top, carefully ripped the price tag and extra button off and handed it to me.

It wasn’t until an hour later that I realized I’d given him access to my clothing size without a second thought. For some of you this might sound like nothing, but for me its a huge deal. Not only because I let him see what size I wore, but because I’ve always had a very strange relationship with clothing tags.

You see up until the past year or so, none of my clothes had tags on them. I’m not talking about the price tags, everyone takes those off. I’m talking about the tag with a number on it that identifies what size dress/pants/sweater you have. For as long as I can remember I would rush home after a shopping trip, grab the scissors and cut the sizes off of everything I bought. The numbers 18… 20 … or 24 had no place in my closet (even if they applied to me) so I cut the numbers off as a way of pretending that I wasn’t that size.

Silly, I know… but it’s what I did.

Denial feels really good sometimes.

So fast forward to this morning… with Robert removing my forgotten price tag. As I went to throw it away, I had to pause and acknowledge how far I’ve come in accepting myself as a Plus Size Princess. Not only did I purchase the sweater last night and skip my size cutting ritual, but I let the guy I’m dating remove the tag for me… letting him see the size that I am right now.

I’m proud of myself.

Do any of YOU do weird things with your clothes?

Cardio & Curvy Conversations was such a fun event! We did an intense workout with TruDog and then had enriching conversations on what its like to be a Plus Size Princess living a healthy lifestyle, dating and trying to make it all work.

Thanks to everyone who came out… I’ve got lots more planned for us in 2013. I’ve also uploaded the photos from the event on my personal facebook page so add me as a friend to see them and tag yourselves (CeCe Olisa).

I thought this video would be a great conversation starter for this weeks Plus Size Princess Fitness Challenge Weigh-in. So, watch the video and chime in with your comments on any of the subjects (Whats the most you’ve spent to lose weight? Do you find it hard to date while on your fitness journey? Do you like dating bigger guys?). I’d love to hear your thoughts and I’ll be online all day responding to comments!

As far as my weight goes, I’m maintaining but holding on by a thread… the holidays are killing me, I cant wait till its all over and I can go back to my salads and grilled chicken- augh.

Hello CeCe,

I’m having a really hard time of letting go of what should stay in the past. Ok let me fill you in, I met my Ex boyfriend from an online dating site at the end of 2006. This was my first real relationship, I believe due to the fact im a PSP. So to make a long story short we fell in love and spent the next almost 4 years together. 2 and a half years into to the relationship that’s when things started going down hill due to the fact I felt as though he was ashamed of me because of my weight. Some of the reasoning behind my feelings was that the only people I’ve met was one of his sisters and one friends. I mean it took me two whole years to realize this because he explained he wasn’t really that close to his family. By the time i finally met his mother and siblings it was “too little too late ” type of feeling I had going on so I felt my heart grow cold.

So with me feeling cold-hearted there was a disconnect in our relationship, I believe that’s the reason why he started turning to other women, like texting, calling and whatever else. I really don’t know if he have ever physically cheated and to this day he claims he never has. He even went as far as reaching out to his Ex girlfriend that he was with right before me.

Even after feeling the way I felt we still stayed together up until June 2011. It seems like as soon as I broke up with him he went back to his Ex like I thought he would, but he swears up and down that he haven’t been in touch with her for the last year or so. So it been close to a year and a half and we’re still in touch and he claims that he wants to be with me but I have my sources and I know he’s still going back a forth with his Ex.

CeCe I know you’re thinking like “didn’t you not want to be with him in the first place” yes I know but I still want him to be in my life even if it’s being just friends but he definitely wants more, But I think he wants his Ex too, so its apparent I don’t trust him at all, so I don’t know why I feel we can remain in each others lives. I even tried to sit down and ask him where does he place her in his life and if he ever loved her or love her now and he continues to say he never loved her and that I was his First love and so forth. So I say all this to ask you should I just let him go and if so what are the steps I can take to get him out of my system all over again? I know that this is all over the place but he is a good dude and he explained he never meant to do what he did and he was younger and now he knows what he wants. But the thing is I’m not quite sure of what I want yet. I just know I want honesty…

Sincerely,

Evans Ex

Hey Evans Ex,

Thanks for reaching out! Sounds like you’ve got a lot going on. Hopefully, I can pull together some answers for you based on what you wrote here.

In general, this seems to be a drama filled situation, so I’d like to address that first. This dude always likes to have a girl (or two) waiting in the wings in case things with his current girlfriend go badly. He was unhappy with you, so he cheated instead of just breaking up with you- that seems like a cowardly move to me. This pattern has been done to you and with you, so we know its not a one time thing.

I think drama-filled relationships often keep us from finding people we’re more compatible with. While you’re spending time worrying about a guy who seeks the attention of other women, runs back to his ex as soon as he can and (in my opinion) plays head games… there’s a stand-up dude out there that you haven’t met yet. You to are not married, tell the kid to kick rocks and move forward with your life. I guess if it were that simple, you wouldn’t be writing to me though, so lets dig a little deeper, shall we?

You found the confidence to let him go… why entertain him again once he’s shown his true colors? I think the answer lies in your letter.

You mentioned that being a PSP (Plus Size Princess) was the root of two issues 1.) Not having a boyfriend in the past 2.) Him not introducing you to his family. I think those thoughts are pretty normal, I know I have similar thoughts… but I’m wondering if they’re breeding insecurities for you that go even further than that… are you nervous that you might not find someone else who will accept you at your size? Does the comfort level you have with your ex make it seem easier to deal with his nonsense than to find someone new? …just things to think about.

Now to the questions you asked at the end of your email “So I say all this to ask you should I just let him go and if so what are the steps I can take to get him out of my system all over again?”

Yes, you should just let him go.

The main step to get him out of your system is to accept that you cannot be “just friends” with him. Point blank, period. I know it sounds harsh and it will be hard to let go of him, but if you start to evaluate the questions I posed earlier hopefully you can start to figure out the real reasons you’re holding onto this relationship that as you said in the first line of your email “should stay in the past”.

I’m sure he’s a good guy, but I’m sure you can find an even better guy.

xoxo,

CeCe

CeCe@thebiggirlblog.com

Anyone else have advice for Evans Ex?

I came across an old picture this weekend. The photo was taken when Robert and I were just starting to talk at work events (for those of you are new to TBGB, Robert and I met at work and had a slow progression from coworkers, to friends, to dating which you can scroll through here). Anyway, looking at the photo I’m sitting on a barstool and holding my purse in my lap.

If anyone had seen me in the bar that night, they would have assumed that I was just making sure my purse wasn’t stolen, but I know the truth. I was using one of my Plus Size Princess diversion techniques… holding my purse in my lap, to hide my stomach. Thinking back, if I’m feeling self conscious about my body especially around a guy I will grab something and hold it in front of me… a purse, a pillow, a coat… I’ll even sit side-saddle on a bar stool, putting the back of the bar stool between me and the rest of the bar because it makes me feel more comfortable.

Even though in the moment, I feel like these body covering moves help… they really don’t. A pillow in front of my stomach makes me feel better but it doesn’t make me any smaller and if you saw the photo of me clutching my purse for dear life, you’d see how little it was really covering my trouble spots.

I have to remind myself that when I do crazy things to “cover” myself, I often end up calling more attention to myself. If I wear a big t-shirt in the pool, its way more obvious than if I just wear a bathing suit and keep it moving. If I wear a shrug to cover my arms, it takes away from my sleeveless dresses and tells the world, “I hate my arms! See! I’m covering them up!!”. Like the time I decided to just get naked at the gym, when I remember that its impossible to hide my fat… life becomes more simple.

Thankfully, I’ve become more comfortable with Robert and I can sit around him with nothing in my lap to cover me, but I wonder if those habits would come back if I were to start dating someone new. Hopefully not!

Do you do weird things to cover/hide your body in different situations?

There’s a quote I see all the time that says “The best accessory a girl can own is confidence”

*eye roll*

Confidence is not something I’ve ever owned… at best I rent it like high-end jewels for the Oscars.

I’ve had people mention my confidence as something they admire about me. Every time I hear that I feel like I’m making it look too easy. Maybe because I live with that little voice in my head that nags me about my back fat, my inner thighs rubbing together, my round stomach… the list goes on and on.

Maybe the difference is that although I beat myself up over things I make the best of what I have and I try really hard not let my insecurities hold me back. I’ve learned what looks good on me (and what doesn’t), I’ve learned what my current limits are but I’m not afraid to try and press past them. I’ve learned from experience that every time I tell that little voice in my head to “kick rocks” so that I can take a chance, I’m pleasantly surprised at the results. But that doesn’t mean its any easier the next time… when it comes to confidence, I feel like I’m starting from scratch each morning.

I’ve had people ask me how they can become confident… the short answer is, its complicated.

We talk about confidence like it’s this black and white thing that you do or don’t have, but it’s so much more than that in my opinion. For me, confidence is a journey not a destination. Confidence isn’t something that you acquire and never lose its something that you have to work to keep. And it’s not easy.

How are YOU doing on your confidence journey?

Last week I was having a rough day at work… it was one of those days where I brought my lunch back to my desk instead of taking lunch with Robert like I usually do.

I hate eating at my desk.

Eating at my desk puts me and my food choices on display for the entire office and it just makes me uncomfortable. If I eat at my desk and have something that isn’t a salad, all the women in my office walk by and say “oh my gawd, that smells soooo good!” then they look at my food longingly and announce that they’re off to get a salad.

*sigh*

I even had one coworker ask me once where I got my yummy looking non-salad lunch, ask me directions on how to get there and what exactly I ordered and then when she came back… she had a salad! “Oh, I just decided to be ‘good’ today…” she said.

So anyway, last week I was rushing to get lunch and bring it back to my desk. I had skipped breakfast too so when I got a craving for a turkey burger, I decided to follow through and order one. I ordered the turkey burger, no bun with french fries and headed back to my desk to work and eat.

I was about halfway through my meal, when a female coworker passed by my desk, her eyes landed on my lunch and she stopped, “I guess you tossed your diet out the window today, huh?” she said with a laugh.

I felt my face get warm with embarrassment, “I didn’t eat breakfast today… and I’m going to the gym later” I said. She nodded in approval and kept walking. Even though my food explanation was enough for her, I hated myself for giving it. I don’t owe her a reason why I’m eating a bun-less turkey burger and fries just like she had no right to be all up in my lunch plate like that. But I’m noticing more and more that as women we feel like we have to explain everything we eat to each other.

Accountability is one thing, but I’m noticing that we go beyond that sometimes…

Like when you sit down to dinner and your girlfriend orders a “big meal” and then when the waitress walks away, she says “I didn’t eat lunch today,” to explain why she didn’t just order a salad… why do we do that? I do it too- when I eat with certain friends, I will order what I want and then give a full food explanation of everything I had to eat that day so they know I’m not eating too much or that I’ve “earned” my meal.

Whyyy do we do that??

Last week I was on Huffington Post talking about body policing and how its not okay to judge people based on size or assume you know how healthy they are based on what they weigh. A spin-off of body policing is food policing; we are obsessed with what other people do or don’t eat. I sometimes become obsessed with being “good” around my friends so that they don’t judge what’s on my plate. But if I know that I’m on track with what I’m eating, why does it matter?

Next week, we’re starting the Plus Size Princess Fitness Challenge- part of that will be putting pics of our meals on Instagram for inspiration and accountability (My IG name is PlusSizePrincess, btw). But if I slip up and eat “badly” I’m going to put myself on blast and post that too because that’s real life for me.

Do you sometimes feel guilty eating around friends/coworkers?

We’ll be talking about this during the #CurvyConvo twitter chat @ 2pm today (Thursday) follow @thebiggirlblog to join the Curvy Convo

Last week a reader wrote in asking about my experiences with interracial dating. I’m chopping this up into three pieces and Part Two is the private aspect of interracial dating.

Race isn’t a big deal to me, if I am attracted to a guy, I’ll give him a chance. At the same time I also try not to be ignorant to the fact that race a big deal to other people. As I mentioned in Interracial Dating (Part One) my experience is that you both have to be each others advocates and protectors. You have to advocate and protect each other and yourselves as a couple because outside opinions from the public will come out and it wont always be pretty.

For me, the private work that makes interracial relationships work is constantly having conversations about things the other person will never 100% understand.

Lets take things out of the context of race for a second: Can you imagine trying to sit down and explain to your boyfriend what its like to be a woman? I mean, we’re raised and conditioned based on our gender, so its second nature to us, right? We just accept the ups and downs that life throws to a woman and we navigate accordingly, but could we actually articulate to a man exactly what its like? Sure, we could offer a few stories and share our feelings with men, but I don’t think a man would walk away truly “getting it”. (and we sure can’t understand what it like being a guy which we spend so much time and money on books trying to understand the opposite sex!)

A big part of advocating for each other comes from learning and communicating about what its like to be who you are. Obviously this is easier said than done. From privilege to prejudice, race has an undeniable effect on our lives. The more we work to understand even a tiny bit of what our partner experiences, the easier it is to be that public champion for each other when things get awkward (or downright rude) as I mentioned last week. These types of conversations can be intense, but they can also be beautiful and build intimacy. Again, this is one of the reasons that I feel like interracial couples have a chance to build a really strong connection. But these types of discussions aren’t limited to interracial relationships.

Right now, I’d say I’m dating inter-culturally because I am Nigerian and Robert is Jamaican. Yes, we’re both black and in many ways were brought up the same way, but… in some ways our backgrounds are very different. There are things about Jamaican culture that I don’t sit well with me and as Robert and I move forward conversations are required. Do we get it right in one sitting? No. But we talk about it and work to gain understanding.

In the end, diversity in your love life can be an awesome thing as long as you communicate and don’t shy away from hard conversations… you just might learn something.

How do YOU deal with diverse relationships (race, ethnicity, religion, etc)? Are there any specific questions/conversations that help you gain understanding?

P.S. My next FREE event is coming up on 10/27 “Cardio & Curvy Conversations” is going to be a great time, with my favorite trainer from New York Sports Club. Register here!