I really wasn’t planning on watching More to Love, but last night all of the PSP’s at www.twitter.com/thebiggirlblog were watching it and commenting and… I felt left out!

I definitely wasn’t planning on talking about More to Love on TBGB, but when I woke up this morning, the entry I had planned on posting was having technical difficulties, so… I thought maybe it was a sign that I should at least mention that I watched it, because maybe you guys watched it too and if you did watch it… maybe you can answer some questions I have:

• Are women on other dating shoes (i.e. The Bachelor) required to list their height and weight?
• Did the women seem to promote lonely fat girl stereotypes? (“I have a big heart”, “I have so much love to give”, “I’ve never been on a date”, “This is my only chance to find someone”)
• Where was the racial diversity in the show?
• Will the women continue to cry during every confessional?
• Was anyone surprised that the majority of the “smaller” women were chosen first?

Thoughts???

Good morning class!

Today’s lesson is a cautionary one for my plus size princesses out there… But before I jump into things, let me give you a couple of back stories.

Story number one:

I was out at a dive bar on the Upper West Side with my friend Kenzie. We were enjoying cheap cocktails and singing along to the random songs on the juke box when a tall dark haired guy made his way over to our corner of the bar. “Can I buy you ladies a drink?” He asked. (Of course we said “yes”) Then he leaned over and whispered something into Kenzies ear and walked away. Kenzie sauntered over to me, “he just told me that he thinks you’re hot…” A few minutes later he was back with a round of drinks for us. He gave me a quick hello and asked my name, but didn’t say much more than that. After a bit of conversation and laughs he pulled Kenzie off of her bar stool and spent the rest of the night spinning her around to the cheesy music that was blasting as I sat sipping my cocktail.

Story number two:

I was out on a spontaneous girls night out with three of my (skinny)friends that I don’t get to see often. I wanted to make sure we got a picture of all of us together and as I was looking for someone to take it, I caught the eye of a guy who had been looking our way for most of the evening. I waved him over and asked him to take our photo; he obliged and after he took a few shots he looked up from the camera and said to me “you’re very pretty” my girl friends chimed in with “awwwww”. Then he handed my camera back to me, turned and struck up a conversation with my friend Mischa, who is stunning. He never spoke to me after his initial “compliment” but he did beg Mischa for her number.

Class, those were two examples of a flirting tactic men are using that I will call “The Bait & Switch” we’ve talked about the “Pity Pretty” but I feel like this is on a whole other level. This is when guys compliment a girl they are not interested in, so that they can get in good with the girl they are actually attracted to.

I have had two “Bait & Switch” experiences and I’ll probably have more. But I refuse to get cautious or second guess a mans intentions when he says something nice to me, because most of the time its genuine… and deserved (if I may say so!). In my observations the guy who flirts with a girl so that he can eventually get to her friend, lacks a certain self confidence. As a PSP that’s something I struggle with on my own, so its my job not to let the way he feels about himself affect me.

So what’s the lesson here? Don’t let a mans low self-esteem bring you down.

Class Dismissed!

This question was left on my last entry:

I had a question for you, because I’m a little confused: why do you distinguish your “skinny” friends as being skinny but not your PSP friend as being PSP? Friends are friends, aren’t they?

Fyre


Hi Fyre,

That’s an interesting question… I think maybe its more of a commentary on how acutely aware I am of my own size.

When I first began TBGB, I didn’t use the (skinny) distinction. But I’m always looking for ways to allow anyone who reads my blog to absorb exactly what my experience is at any given point. Because of the nature of this narrative, I think its important to give as much of a visual as possible. From the outfits I wear, to the area of town I’m in, to the physical attributes of the people I’m with.

If you notice; I always write “(skinny)friend”, I made a conscious choice to use parenthesis around the word “skinny” when making the distinction, because to me its information the reader needs to have, but its not the most important part of my entries.

Another reason you don’t see the PSP distinction as much is that sadly, I don’t have too many PSP friends. When I am talking about PSP’s that I socialize with, its often during a BBW event, so the distinction isn’t needed.

If anything, my life experiences have been that my relationships with my (skinny)friends are the ones that are built to last. If you saw the cast of characters that make my life (and this blog) rich, you would see people of varying ethnicity’s, shapes, sizes, genders and sexual orientations who all choose to love and support a girl who happens to have a weight problem. I would never want to give the impression that I measure the quality of my relationships by what size jeans my friends wear, because my friends don’t do that to me.

I hope that answers your question….

xoxo,
CeCe

Send your inquiries to: nycece@gmail.com

Hello Lovelies,

Sometimes random things happen to me and its not worthy a full blog, but I still want to tell you all about it. So, I thought I’d give this Twitter thing a try. This way I can keep you up to date on this crazy PSP life in “real time”!

If you’re on Twitter you can find/follow me here: twitter.com/thebiggirlblog

xoxo

As most of you know, I am a fashion fanatic. But when I opened my spare room/walk-in closet recently, I knew that my clothing collection had gotten out of control. There were pants in the wrong size, shirts I hadn’t worn in forever and worst of all there was an array of items with the tags still on (because I had never worn them!).

My first thought was to bag up the items and take them to the thrift store down the street, but I’m proud of the clothing collection I’ve acquired over the years and I really wanted them to go to a person/place where they would be appreciated.

I went to some of my Plus Size Princess (PSP) friends with my dilemma and they suggested a store called Re/dress. I looked it up and according to their facebook page: Re/Dress NYC is a buy * sell * trade resale establishment for size 14 and up. Based on the store’s style, size and seasonal needs, women are offered either 25% of the resale price in cash or 40% store credit for the clothing selected by the staff.

So my cute clothes might find a home after all!

I carefully packed up everything I wanted to give away and asked my (skinny) friend Zora if she could help me drag it all down to Brooklyn where Re/dress is located. We sipped coffee and chatted, making our hour long train ride whiz by. After a short walk to the store from the train station, we walked in and were greeted by the friendly, funky and fashionable PSP’s who work there. I dropped my clothes off in the back and was instructed to take my time and shop while they went through my items and decided their worth.

Zora and I began to look around, I eagerly dug into the clothes and as the pile of clothes in my hands grew, the super attentive staff would offer to take my items into one of their plush zebra-print dressing rooms. I tried on dress after amazing dress, found skirts that were oh, so flattering and tops that I couldn’t wait to wear!

By the time I was done with everything, one of the staff members let me know that the clothes I had sold earned me a $42 store credit! This was perfect considering the pieces I wanted to buy totaled $50.

I met up with Zora at the register and showed her everything I was getting.

“Did you find anything?” I asked.

That’s when Zora lifted up a really cute Christian Dior denim bag.

Wow, I guess the shoe was on the other foot! I’m used to being the one who doesn’t find apparel that I can wear. I cant even count how many times I’ve gone shopping with my (skinny) friends only to leave with a pair of earrings or a purse while they leave carrying shopping bags galore.

Of course Zora was a great sport, It was just a strange feeling to have the roles reversed. Not that she had any room to complain… I mean, she found a Christian Dior bag!

I’ve always been the type of girl who needed physical affection. In the past, I’ve fallen for a guy behind simple things like hand holding or touching the small of my back. Its always amazing to me how the right touch from the right person can make me forget all about my size.

On the other hand, there are ways of being touched that make me hyper-aware of my size. Like when a man jokingly pats me on the arm with too much force or when a female friend leans her head on me and says “you’re so… comfortable!”

One of the things I’m noticing about Robert is that he’s not very affectionate with me. I’m used to guys that are eager to touch, cuddle etc. So, at first I thought that maybe he wasn’t sure what his boundaries were. I tried to make efforts to be the one to “reach out” but I felt like he was still tense whenever we touched.

I began to rationalize that maybe his family wasn’t that affectionate and over time he’d have to learn how to be that way with me. That all changed the other night when my (skinny) friend Kenzie and I met Robert and his brother, Chris, for drinks.

Both Kenzie and Chris are in relationships with other people, but they are also shameless flirts. So, within three hours of meeting, they developed a physical chemistry that Robert and I hadn’t achieved in the three months we’ve been hanging out. Chris rested his hand on Kenzie’s leg, Kenzie draped herself over Chris’s shoulder and as we walked from one bar to the next, Chris would casually wrap his arm around Kenzies waist.

As I watched them I thought to myself, There goes my “non-affectionate family” theory.

Of course the more tipsy I got, the more I ignored all the other ways in which Robert and I have great chemistry and focused solely on our lack of physical contact.

We left the last bar and started walking towards the train station when my mind began to race:

Why doesn’t Robert want to touch me???
If I looked like Kenzie, would things be different???
He’s definitely not attracted to me…

I was walking a few feet ahead of everyone, lost in thought, when suddenly I heard Robert yelling “piggyback ride!” He was running up from behind me, preparing to jump on my back. I wanted to scream:

“Are you kidding me? The one time you try to touch me all night is so that I can carry you? No girl wants to carry the guy she likes on her back, what is feminine about that??? Kenzie gets to be caressed and coddled all night by your brother and I get to be treated like a damn mule? This is crazy!”

Instead I winced and yelled “DON’T DO THAT!”

I had never yelled at him before.

“Oh-kay!” he said awkwardly, “I guess you don’t like that.”

I didn’t know what else to say, so I didn’t say anything. I know a lot of it is my insecurities and I know that I shouldn’t compare myself to Kenzie, but with Robert and I lingering in this grey area everything means something and to me a man gets a piggyback ride from his buddies, not from the girl he likes.

Thoughts???

This weeks Curvy Conversation comes from an anonymous reader:

Hi Cece,

I love your blog and your refreshing honesty. You remind me of Carrie from Sex in the City but don’t worry you aren’t anywhere near as neurotic as she was…LOL.

I see that you battle the same issues with weight and dating that I have. I have always had a battle of the bulge, but I’ve never been as obese as I am right now. I am currently a size 26 which is down from a size 28. Prior to all of this weight gain, I was never higher than a size 14. I put on all of this weight due to some changes I made in my life some years back when I moved out of state. Since then it is as if my life came to a screeching halt. I always felt as if I couldn’t go to a particular place, wear certain clothing etc., unless I lost weight.

Well…some years have gone by and each year I put on even more weight. I have finally come to the sad conclusion that I am fat and may always be fat. But I have resigned myself to at least become fat, healthy, to develop my own plus size style and build my self esteem. I ordered a brand new wardrobe and I am trying to build up the courage to wear my new clothes. I have dressed frumpy for so long now that it has become very comfortable.

The men that approach me these days seem to look downright homeless or they are really old. When I meet a cute guy in my age group, I can’t even bring myself to look him in the eyes. Because I am so used to averting my eyes from the men that I don’t want attention from. I am suspicious if a man seems like he is attracted to me because I feel like I am reading into the situation wrong. I am so downtrodden from bad relationships that I prefer to sit at home on the weekends and eat tasty food while watching my favorite movies. As you can see, this is doing nothing for me.

Hello Lovely,

There’s so much I want to say– I don’t know where to begin!

First of all… congrats on dropping a size, obviously its not your ideal size, but you’re on the way down which is great! Of course, I love that you are making a change in your wardrobe. Getting dressed in the morning should be fun! Of course as PSP’s sometimes it takes a little more effort/research/trial and error for us to develop a signature style, but when we look good, we feel good! And the more you feel good about your size 26, 22 or 18 self the more you are going to draw people to you. Its all about being the best possible version of us, no matter what that looks like!

Also, might I suggest that you donate your old, frumpy clothes to the Goodwill? This way your new wardrobe will be your only choice! I say this because it makes me nervous that you think you need courage in order to debut the new you… It sounds like you have a closet full of fashionable, well fitting clothes… so why are you waiting to put them on?

As a matter of fact– I think “Why Wait?” might be my theme for you.

There are so many things I’ve put on hold, telling myself that they could happen “next year” once I’ve lost weight. But then “next year” comes and I weigh more than I did the year before. There are opportunities and events I’ve passed up due to my size; Now if I said I was going to take that time and go to the gym instead that would make sense, but is that what I’d do? No! I would sit at home and (like you) I would eat. If I really think about it, how many happy moments have I passed up in favor of unhappy ones at home with Ben & Jerry? And how many more unhappy moments have I caused due to the calories consumed during my time spent with Ben & Jerry?

I know for me it was a defense mechanism. I would tell myself “why go out and dance with your girlfriends, no one is going to talk to you anyway…” but I would totally forget that I love to dance! I would rob myself of things I enjoyed because of how other people might react to me. Its a vicious cycle, but its one that can be broken!

The next time an opportunity comes for you to be social throw on one of your cute new outfits and go! Of course you may face rejection or awkward moments (who doesn’t?) but you also may have the time of your life, so… Why wait?

Now, lets say that you find it in you to get dolled up and get social. What we can’t have you doing is averting your eyes every time a man comes near. This sounds crazy, but you have to force yourself to make eye contact, because the funny thing is– while you’re looking away out of shyness/insecurity, men are looking at you thinking you’re unapproachable, snobby etc. Practice in the grocery store, on the bus… wherever. The more you do it, the easier it gets… kinda. To be honest, this is something I need to work on as well (the other night, Robert and I went out dancing and I realized I barely looked him in the face the whole night– eek!).

Of course the more confidence you have, the more you will attract the type of men that you’re looking for. But I have to say, unless you love yourself… love from a man will still leave a void. As hard as this may be to hear; the work begins with you. As you begin to pour love into your own heart– the man who is meant to love you, at whatever size you happen to be, will come. (this is a lesson I am STILL learning).

Again, the love you’re looking for starts inside of you. Take care of you… treat yourself as something precious and any man who meets you will have no choice but to do the same.

xoxo,
CeCe

P.S. I try to keep my neurotic side under wraps, but I’ll be a “Curvy Carrie” any day!

Keep the letters coming: nycece@gmail.com