*Deep Sigh*

Watching the TV show, More To Love, is becoming quite laborious, but I did tune in (a few days late, via DVR) to last weeks episode.

I think we were all holding our breath for the moment when Kristian’s borderline obsessive feelings about Luke would lead him to kick her off of the show. After weeks of hearing Kristian gush over our Big Boned Bachelor with phrases like “he’s the most amazing man”, “I love this man” etc. It was finally her more direct, “I love you” in three different languages that prompted Luke to send her packing.

I’ve read my share of dating books, relationship articles and eaves dropped on enough guy talk to know that men love a chase. While a woman might be moved by an unexpected “I love you”, a man will more than likely run in the other direction. I personally don’t think you can convince a man to love you, and even if you try, “I think you should love me because I’m in love with you” may not be the best argument.

But that’s exactly what Kristian did.

Reality programming is now a major television genre and its very apparent that these shows are edited towards specific story lines. As I watched Kristian, I kept feeling like the producers saw her as the “every-girl” character, or in this case the “every-fat-girl” character. Kristian wasn’t as glamorous as the plus size model or as insecure as the girl who was afraid to sing in public. She was the girl who all the chubby chicks watching the show were supposed to identify with. The girl with the heart of gold that she wore directly on her sleeve. When Luke gave Kristian the boot and then broke the elimination show tradition by chasing after her to hold her and comfort her as she sobbed, it was obviously a moment that was supposed to tug at our heart strings.

Kristian was supposed to be just like me, but was she? I had to ask myself a few questions.

1.) Do I, as a Plus Size Princess (PSP), fall hard for any man who shows me the slightest bit of attention?

2.) Would I, as a PSP, date someone like Kristian’s ex boyfriends who, according to her saw her as just a “fat girl”?

3.) After being dumped by a self professed lover of big women, would I still see my weight as the ultimate hindrance to his feelings for me?

The answers to #1 and #2 were pretty easy… No. But #3 is something I’m not sure about. In Kristian’s exit interview she said that she hoped her size wasn’t the reason Luke sent her home because she was “the biggest girl in the house”. Of all of the footage and soundbites that the editors used to shape the Kristian character, “I was the biggest girl in the house” was the only thing that really did pull the strings of my heart.

Are we so conditioned to seeing weight as a problem, that we fail to recognize when its not?

As I watched Kristian go after Luke, she made many classic mistakes that girls (of all sizes) make when dating. There were so many times I wanted to yell at the TV “you’re coming on too strong!”, “you’re going to scare him off!” but Kristian wasn’t able to see that. Instead, even though she was involved with a man who made it perfectly clear on national television that he’s attracted to large women, Kristian could not see past her size.

Perhaps that was her biggest mistake.

If you’re following me on twitter (twitter.com/thebiggirlblog) you know that after some unexpected office goodies, I got rid of the calories by going on an extra long walk last night.

During the first half of my walk I was lost in my own thoughts, listening to music, not really thinking about the changes I’m trying to make. But on the way back to my apartment, the walk was very different. As I walked along the Hudson River, the combination of the street lights and the sunset placed my shadow right in front of me.

I couldn’t stop looking at her.

My shadow had my walk, my hair, my build but she didn’t have any of my trouble spots. She was a better version of me. I let my eyes follow her curves from her breasts, to her nicely toned waist, down past her hips and I actually liked what I saw. She was thick, but she wasn’t… lumpy.

When I was younger, I wanted to be super skinny, but lately my goals have been changed; I’ll probably never look like an Olsen Twin, and I shouldn’t want to. Seeing my shadow last night helped to remind me that there’s a curvy girl inside me that I cant wait to meet.

Dear “More To Love”,

At this point I feel as if we’re past formalities, so I will call you MTL.

When I first met you, MTL, I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. You were doing something new and I know how hard that can be. But I was also nervous because you were going to be speaking to America on my behalf. As a PSP (Plus Size Princess) I was scared you would say the wrong things or portray me in the wrong light…

Sadly, I was correct.

This isnt a big deal, but I thought you should know that its not only big men who accept and appreciate big women and vice versa. While there’s nothing wrong with it, I’ve never dated a guy who was “husky”. I’d also be willing to bet that there are plenty of thin women who are attracted to your Big Boned Bachelor.

Also MTL, I went to all of my high school dances (including two proms). One year I actually had more than one guy ask me and I had to choose between them! I looked great, I felt great and not once during the night did I cry because I was fat.

Every week I swear you off, but then I scroll through my DVR list and you’re there, so I tune in. Not because I like you, but because I feel like I need to know what ridiculous things you’re doing now.

Best,
CeCe (thebiggirlblog)

The beginning of a diet/workout plan is always my favorite…

This is the time when I love eating veggies, I feel empowered when I say “No thanks” to brownies and walking uphill at warp speed feels like the best thing in the world. It feels amazing because I can guarantee that when I weigh in, I will see the results on the scale. The pounds melt away so quickly and easily. (Especially if you have a long way to go because the heavier you are, the more calories you burn when exercising).

This morning I weighed myself and I’ve dropped two more pounds. Of course I’m happy, but I need to keep reminding myself that this is a lifestyle change. So that when the veggies dont taste that exciting, the pounds aren’t slipping away so easily, and the snow on the ground makes me want to skip the gym; I will continue to work as hard as I am now.

My very skinny live-in boyfriend loves “large women” with “meat on their bones”. He makes “hubba hubba” noises as he’s grabbing the flab on the back of my arms or kneading my belly dough. I’ve been having a hard time dealing with my image issues and how his compliments manage to make me feel exactly like shit when he’s obviously not trying to be rude. The trouble is that I love to cook and adore good food. As a PSP, I tend to joke about my weight, claiming that I didn’t get this figure by looking at the pictures in the cooking magazines. My suburb can support a few chain restaurants, but there’s not much demand for anything too exotic. I was very happy to have found a French restaurant featuring daily lunch specials of simply grilled fish, chicken braised in wine, and pan roasted salmon filets – interesting but healthy options without the temptation of hollandaise, Mornay, bechamel, and Bernaise. I have been really depressed that I haven’t lost much weight despite an increase in activity and decrease in calories, so it was nice to look forward to something. As I’m chattering away and making plans for brunch and some shopping, he leans over me, kisses me on the back of the neck, and whispers those three little words in my ear.
Remember your diet.

I couldn’t have been more surprised than if he’d thrown a bucket of cold water in my face. As if I don’t struggle to make sensible and healthy choices every waking moment of every single day. He has no idea what it’s like to have just eaten and to start thinking about the next meal, or to be stuffed but still wonder if there is anything interesting on the dessert menu. He has no idea how hard it is to reach for steamed vegetables while he’s having another serving of mashed potatoes and gravy. He doesn’t help me remember my diet when he asks me to make French toast and sausage every weekend, or requests his burritos fried in butter. When he doesn’t want “a heavy dinner” of chicken, rice, and vegetables he eats an entire bag of potato chips, beef jerky, and a box of hot tamales in front of the TV. He can’t watch a movie without a tub of popcorn in his lap, preferably not that “low fat stuff that tastes like cardboard.” It’s odd of him to remember my diet when he ate three enormous helpings of tortellini Alfredo with ham at the pot luck last night.

I’m not sure why I’m writing other than my feelings were really hurt, and I was hoping for some sympathy from my fellow PSP.

Hello Lovely,

Three helpings of Tortellini Alfredo and Ham… Oh My! I do sympathize with you! I know first hand what its like to struggle with the effects of every bite while everyone else shovels food in their mouths and somehow manages to stay slim. But lets look at things from a different angle for a moment… maybe if we turn the tables we’ll be able to see things with fresh eyes:

Lets pretend that your boyfriend was balding. He had a receding hairline when you met him and it never bothered you. Actually, you find the “Mr. Clean” look to be very sexy and maybe you’ve even suggested that he shave it all off. But he refuses and instead continues to come up with inventive hairstyles to cover up what genetics are doing to him. One day you’re flipping through a magazine and you run across an advertisement for a hair restoration program. You rip it out of the paper and casually leave it on the kitchen counter with the mail in case he wants to check it out. Does this mean that your view and preference for his bald head has changed? No. Does it mean that you think he needs hair restoration? No. Does it mean you saw something that might make him happy and wanted to share it? Probably.


When we love someone, we often take up causes that aren’t necessarily our own. To me, “remember your diet” sounds like a boyfriend trying to show his support for his girlfriends cause. Its not a warning, or a scolding because he obviously adores you and your body, even to the point of annoyance (i.e.”hubba hubba”). But he’s realizing that weight loss is important to you and so, he’s making it important to him.


Anyone who gets involved with a PSP develops a relationship with her weight as well. I’ve had people who liked me except for my weight… in spite of my weight… because of my weight and all of these people had different reactions whenever I’d express a desire to change my body.


I could be wrong, but it sounds like your boyfriend just wants you to be happy… whatever that looks like.

xoxo,
CeCe

Send your letters to nycece@gmail.com

It was a random Monday and Robert was standing at my desk during his daily visit. We were quietly talking about everything and nothing when he stopped and looked at me.

“You look different,” he said.

“Do I?”

“Yeah, you do. I don’t know….”

I looked at him.

He looked at me.

“Different, good? or Different… bad?” I asked slowly.

“Good… different, good.”

He looked at me.

I looked at him.

I wasn’t sure what to say, so I just kind of shrugged my shoulders and changed the subject.