I’m sorry I haven’t been updating you lately but things have gotten sticky with Jeremy. I keep messing up… he keeps messing up… basically everything is a mess!

But before I get into that, I have to say that you all are the best readers ever! An anonymous reader left a comment on my last New Years Kiss post, that really got me thinking… she said a lot of great things but the part that stuck out to me was when she said:

“Take it from a slightly older PSP – ASK HIM. You have been assuming, analyzing, guessing and creating all kinds of scenarios in your pretty little head. Four times throughout all of these installments I just wanted to yell at you “JUST ASK HIM!! You’re creating more drama for yourself. He’s not a mind reader – if he’s an ass, then so be it, but if he’s just a clueless boy who doesn’t get that he’s confusing you (as most boys are)then speak up or you might throw away something good. Don’t make decisions based on instinct alone.” -Anonymous

Then Ms. Louisa chimed in with this:

“Hey Ce-Ce, I have to agree with anonymous. I too almost wrote something similar with this post but am assuming there’s already an end in sight that you will reveal in due course (hopefully soon!) If there’s not though, I really agree you just need to be honest. What do you have to lose?” -Louisa

Ms. Anonymous, when I read your comment I knew you were on to something, but I’ve never been the girl who can make the first move, first admission, first… anything! Call me old fashioned, but I’ve always waited for the guy to lead the way. Your note did inspire me but just when I’d get the courage to lay things out, something would happen. He’d do something to frustrate me or I’d do something to frustrate him. Or we’d have random encounters that just don’t help anything, like last week:

Last week, I ran into Jeremy at a restaurant near my apartment. He was with his best friend, Charlotte (who lives in my neighborhood). I was with a male friend of mine– someone taller, older and more established than Jeremy. It wasn’t a date, but Jeremy seemed really taken aback to see us together. I tried to play the whole thing off as no big deal, but the next day Jeremy sent me sarcastic text messages asking if I “had fun”. Since then when I’ve tried to make plans with him he’s too busy for me, which of course makes me not want to even think about putting my heart on the line with him.

To answer Ms. Louisa’s question, there isn’t really an end in sight right now. Sometimes I think of how cute it would be if I were chronicling the love story of CeCe & Jeremy while curled up next to him in the bed. Instead, during every twist and turn of this emotional roller coaster, I take a moment to write it all down here.

Jeremy is so important to me, but things just aren’t happening for us right now. As much as I care for him, I need him to want more and right now and I don’t think he does… hopefully you will keep reading, but I just can’t be sustained by compliments and stolen kisses.

I jumped out of the shower, and danced down the hallway to my bedroom. I had just purchased a new shade of eyeshadow, Beyonce was blaring from my speakers and my curling iron was heating up next to a glass of wine… I was going out!

It had been ages since Dana and I been to any clubs on The Scene. Tonight we were going to DIVAS and I was ready to dance and get my mind off of Jeremy. As I snapped my fingers and hummed along with Beyonce, my phone rang. It was my best friend, Adam.

“Hey, do you have plans tonight?”

My stomach tightened a bit. Adam and I had been friends since forever, I told him everything… everything except that I sometimes went to clubs for big girls and the guys who are attracted to them. I keep this from him because, that’s what closeted fat girl‘s do.

“Tonight? Um… I told my friend I’d go to a party with her,” I said, pleased that I was able to answer that question truthfully.

“Oh, cool… where?” He asked.

“Um, somewhere downtown… I need to look up the address.”

I wasn’t exactly lying to Adam, but I was withholding information, which I hated. I quickly got off the phone with him before he could ask more questions and went back to getting ready. Its funny, when I go out to mainstream clubs, I often feel like I put a whole bunch of effort into looking cute, only to be ignored. While my skinny friends can go out in dirty jeans and an old t-shirt and get approached by guys all night. So when I get dressed to go out on The Scene, it feels like there’s actually a means to an end when I get dolled up.

For this particular evening I kept it simple: Light-wash jeans (tucked into black Ugg boots) a black off the shoulder top, and a purple shoulder bag with a big bow on the front. It was warm but NYC winter standards, so I covered up with my leather motorcycle jacket and a paisley pashmina.

I walked into DIVAS, paid the cover charge (augh!) and got in line to check my coat.

“Celeste?” I heard a male voice say.

I turned around and froze. It was Matthew… Matthew lived with my friend Jason… and Jason is a CLOSE friend of… ADAM… my best friend! I was being outed. All I could think was “damage control”, so I jumped right in:

“Hey!”

“Wow, good to see you!” he said, hugging me.

“Yeah, um– you too,” my voice was a few octaves higher than usual.

“I’ve never seen you here before… do you come here often?”

“Nope, this is my first time…” I lied.

I felt like I was regaining control of the situation, by pretending that I was new to The Scene. Then, as if on cue; Maggie and Jane (regulars at DIVAS with whom I have become friendly) entered the club, when they saw me at coat check, they came at me shrieking simultaneously:

“Oh my GAWD!” “CeCe!” “We’ve missed you!!!” “Where have you been?” “You never called me back!”

I could feel my face getting hot. “I’m sorry, I have to go to the ladies room!” I blurted out. I pushed past them, saw Dana at the bar and motioned for her to follow me into the bathroom.

“What’s wrong?” Dana asked as she rushed in after me.

I explained everything.

“BAHAHAHA!!!” Dana has a habit of laughing in my face about things that stress me out and in this case I couldn’t blame her. The way we approached our weight and our lives as PSP’s was very different. She was forthright about her size and had told most of her friends and family about the BBW parties, while I chose it keep it a secret. It seemed like my silence was catching up to me and she was enjoying every minute of it.

I, on the other hand was freaking out, until I remembered something: The first time I met Matthew, I could have sworn that he was attracted to me by the way he interacted with me. Of course I have a big girl complex where I assume men are never attracted to me, so I pushed the thought aside quickly, but apparently, I was right. I knew I needed to get over being discovered at a big girl club and I had already paid the cover (augh!), so I wasn’t going home. I decided to make the most of the night. I composed myself and went out on the dance floor where I caught a glimpse of Matthew grinding on a hefty woman in a green dress. A short man with nicely toned arms grabbed Dana and they began dancing. I couldn’t let this situation keep me from doing my thing on the dance floor, so I too began to move and spent the night dancing and flirting.

Soon I found myself at the bar, needing a bottle of water but ordering a french martini. A hand, holding a $20 bill slid onto the bar on my left side. I turned around and it was Matthew, “I’ve got it” he said. I thanked him and began to explain my awkward behavior. I was searching for the words to politely beg him not to “out” me to my friends when he leaned in and whispered in my ear.

“Listen, I don’t want to be weird or anything but… I love this club. I love the women here, I think they are so sexy… but its something I do on my own time, do you know what I mean? and now that I’m dating Lisa, I just don’t think my coming here is something she’d be too happy…”

Before he could finish his sentence, the hefty girl in the green dress came up over and wrapped her arms around him. “Hey sexy” he said, giving her a squeeze. I smiled to hide my disbelief. Lisa was a girl I had met a few times and she could not have been more than a size 6. He was in a relationship with Lisa, but spent “his time” hugged up with a woman three times her size.

“So,” he continued. “Can we keep this between us?”

It was then that I realized… I wasn’t the only one scared of being outed.

“Sure, its between us.”

It was Monday morning and I was exhausted. I went to get some coffee and when I came back to my desk an Instant Message was blinking on the screen.

Jeremy: hey

It was 9:30am and I hadn’t spoken to Jeremy since Saturday… I was not ready for this!

CeCe: good morning
Jeremy: hows work?
CeCe: everythings fine
Jeremy: Lets talk
CeCe: okay… what about?
Jeremy: The other night…

Okay, I really was not ready for this! I had so many questions for him… but I was afraid to ask them. Plus I hate IMing… I need to see a persons face when we’re talking… or at least hear their voice! Augh… I’d have to play this cool and let him lead the conversation.

CeCe: Okay, what’s up?
Jeremy: Everyone’s saying that I was really out of it on Sat. but I cant remember anything! What’s your take?
CeCe: I dunno… one minute you were fine and the next minute you were passed out in Charlotte’s car
Jeremy: Man… I haven’t done that since college

I wasn’t sure what to say next! Are you dating Maya? Why did you avoid me half the night? Do you remember kissing me? Did you mean it when you said you were in love with me? Instead I settled on:

CeCe: I felt like I wasn’t allowed to talk to you that night
Jeremy: Really? Why?
CeCe: I dunno… I just did
Jeremy: Ok
CeCe: You don’t have anything to say?
Jeremy: Not really… you don’t know why you felt like that and neither do I.

(A few minutes passed… which in IM-land is an eternity)

CeCe: Is there anything you want to tell me?

(A minute more…)

Jeremy: Nope. Nothing. Enough about Saturday though, What’s up? How are you?
CeCe: I’m fine
Jeremy: No… really. How are you?

I wanted to say…. What do you want me to say, Dude?? I’m confused because I think you like me but it looks like you are involved with someone else! I’m frustrated because you keep doing things to make me think its okay to like you back and then you constantly let me down! I’m tired of this drama and I really think I need to take a step back from you!!!

Instead I settled on:

CeCe: I’m fine… silly
Jeremy: I’m just trying to break down that wall that you hold up so well. Even though you want everyone else to break down theirs.
CeCe: That’s sweet
Jeremy: That’s all I get, huh?

I sat there staring at my computer screen… I wanted to explain that there was so much he could get from me, if only he would make up his mind! Instead I settled on:

CeCe: Maybe when you’re done breaking down everyone else’s walls, you just might have enough time/energy for mine.
Jeremy: That wasn’t a double entendre was it?
CeCe: You can take it how you like
Jeremy: Whoa! Damn, girl that was kinda sexy
CeCe: TTYL