By the time Adrian and I sat down to dinner, I’d calmed down a bit. His news was rough, but my pouting wasn’t going to change anything and he was leaving in less than 24 hours. As we sat across from each other we were very quiet… it was almost as if there was too much to say, so we said nothing.

I tried to treat the evening like any other date, instead of “our last night together” and that helped. By the time our food came, we’d been able to laugh and make jokes while he explained the project he would be working on.

“Are there going to be other American girls there?” I asked.

“I doubt it… its mostly men. Why? Are you worried?” he asked with a grin.

I could feel my cheeks getting hot with embarrassment, “I mean– not really, I was just wondering…”

We ate in silence for a few moments.

“Well, I’m worried,” Adrian said, between bites. “You’re so pretty, who knows what could happen in the month I’m gone.”

I laughed, “flattery will get you everywhere!” I joked.

“I’m serious,” he continued, “I would love to ask you not to see other people while I’m gone, but I know I don’t really have the right to do that.”

“Yeah, its hard,” I said, stunned.

Adrian bringing up exclusivity was flattering, on the other hand it felt like a cruel joke. This was exactly what I’ve been wanting, but as much as I liked Adrian, I couldn’t jump into a relationship under these circumstances. I loved that he wanted that from me, but the timing felt wrong.

That’s when I realized why I was so upset. I’ve been fighting so hard to get out of the grey with Robert and now I feel like I’m in a completely different grey area with Adrian. As direct as Adrian is about his feelings towards me, I’m going to have to wait until he’s back to see if a relationship will grow.

Once I realized what was upsetting me, I was able to stay in the moment with Adrian. We had a great dinner and sat on my steps eating ice-cream and kissing until 3am, then I sent him home to pack and crossed my fingers that I’d hear from him again.

Things with Adrian had been going well.

Really well.

So well in fact, that I found myself feeling a bit of anxiety. Thinking about it made my head spin; Was I headed towards a real relationship without the complications of the “grey area“? Was I willing to move forward with Adrian? Was Adrian ready and willing to move forward with me?

The answer seemed to be yes, to all of the above. Adrian and I were spending time together, he was calling regularly and he was even doing things like making plans for a month away (in the early dating stages, suggesting something for “next month” feels like a huge commitment). But I was anxious in other ways too; this Adrian situation was rolling out so smoothly and unfortunately my life never quite seems to work out that way. There’s always a snag… so as much as I tried to stay in the moment with Adrian, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Adrian left me a message on Tuesday. “Hey CeCe, I’m going out of town for work on Thursday and I’d like to see you before I go. Are you free tonight? Let me know….”

Normally I would have rearranged my schedule to see him, but Robert and I were going to a concert and we’d had the tickets since before Adrian was even in the picture. I called Adrian back, “hey mister, I can’t do it tonight but I’m free Wednesday night or, I can just see you when you get back”

“No,” he replied. “I need to see you before I leave.”

We made plans to meet up on Wednesday and he arrived at my door looking adorable in grey slacks and a blue button down shirt. He swept me up in a big long hug, “you smell so good” he said, and we headed out for dinner. As we walked to the train, he took my hand. “I got a last minute assignment from work, yesterday. I’m leaving on Thursday to Turkmenistan to work on a project with the endangered snow leopards.”

Adrian is an environmental consultant and I kept meaning to brush up on my National Geographic, but I hadn’t. So what he was saying didn’t mean much to me. I didn’t even know the snow leopards needed help and I wasn’t exactly sure where Turkmenistan was.

“Okay. When do you come back?”

Adrian took a deep breath, “I’ll be back in a month.”

I stopped in the middle of the side walk, speechless. I looked at him to see if he was joking, but he had a pained look in his eyes. He reached out to grab my hand, but I pulled away. “A month?!” I asked incredulously.

“I know, I know” he groaned. “This is like, the worst possible timing.”

I stared at him for a few moments before I continued walking towards the subway. His hand rested on my lower back as we walked and he talked, “This is why I tried to see you last night, I didn’t want to tell you over the phone but I wanted to spend as much time with you as possible before I left.”

I was stunned. I felt like the other shoe had dropped… right onto my head.

I moved to New York City to make a living with my creative passions, but until that happens, I need health insurance, rent money etc. so I work a 9-5 job as an assistant in the financial district. Three weeks ago, I was up for a promotion at work. A promotion would mean more freedom, challenges, responsibilities and most importantly, more money. So I decided to give it my best shot.

For my first interview I wore my only favorite suit, a bright blue 1950′s inspired blazer with a high rounded collar, a belt on the outside and a black fishtail skirt (very Mad Men). I felt great and I guess I did great too because, I got a second interview! I was excited to be one step closer to a promotion, but a second interview meant a second suit which was annoying because I rarely wear the one suit I have. A quick trip to Macy’s made me even more frustrated… the cute suits were $200+ and I really wasn’t in the mood to spend that kind of money on ONE outfit that I wouldn’t wear again for at least a year.

I had a week to find a suit and luckily during that week, I was invited to hang out in the fashion district with some of the designers from Jessica London.

Because Jessica London is a catalog brand it just wasn’t a line I considered for myself. I can remember flipping through plus size catalogs that my Mom got in the mail when I was a kid and everything seemed so… grown up. As a girl in her twenties, I didn’t feel like Jessica London was for me.

But as I flipped through the Fall 2010 catalog, and looked at their site online, my impression of Jessica London changed, for the better. My eyes fell on a suit in my price range that I thought might work for me. Its called the Bi-Stretch suit and comes in black and grey. It also comes with a skirt or pants. I already had a million black skirts, so I chose the pants. I also selected the white ruffle blouse that they paired with it because I didn’t have a really dressy white top.

When my suit came in, I tried it on and I can honestly say it looked better on my full figure than it did on the smaller model on the website. The way the blazer was cut, long/tapered, was flattering and the ruffles were a flirty touch that didn’t make me feel like I was playing dress up or something. I put on my pearls, open toed heels and walked into my second interview feeling like a fresh and fashionable.


I also found some great fall wardrobe stables like these wide calf boots. I got them in black and the kitten heel is perfect for walking around NYC all day. I also got this khaki trench coat (because I’ve always wanted one)

Anyway, I found out after my interview that the SVP actually made a comment on how well I was dressed. And I found out a few days later that… I got the promotion! (woot! woot!)

Maybe I’m just slow, but its so easy to keep going to the same stores, so I forget about the brands that have been doing plus sizes for like a million years. I’m going to keep stores like Jessica London on my fashion radar because they have some cute, classic pieces that I can see myself rocking this fall.

Do any of you shop the catalog brands?

I was riding the 6 train with two of my gays on Sunday. We were drenched from a spontaneous downpour and tipsy from a spontaneous happy hour in the East Village. Sitting across from us was a plus size woman and her boyfriend. She was on the heavier end of the plus size spectrum and her boyfriend was tall and lanky. Although they were in conversation and I was chatting with my friends, I could feel my plus size counterpart looking at me.

Occasionally I would glance over at her; the first time we made eye contact, I quickly looked away. The second time we made eye contact, she casually linked arms with her boyfriend then she reached over and touched his leg. Each time we made eye contact she gave me what my gays would describe as The Ice Grill (The Ice Grill = A dirty look that incorporates nothing more than a malicious blank stare). I could pretend that I didn’t know why I was getting The Ice Grill, but I did.

She thought I wanted her boyfriend.

Was her boyfriend anything special? Nope, but by the way she was acting you would think that I was Angelina Jolie and she was Jennifer Aniston holding onto Brad for dear life. In reality, this guy was a below average dude (“below average” because when he smiled, I saw that he was missing a tooth and you know how I feel about that).

So… why was this girl so determined to let me know that this lanky, toothless man was hers? I’m pretty sure its because we were both plus size, and honestly, I can’t blame her for being so territorial….

A few months ago I was at a party with Robert and his friends. When Robert and I are together people don’t flirt with either of us because they assume (for better or worse) that we’re a couple. While his friends were mingling and dancing with different girls, Roberts attention was on me. There was one bigger girl on the dance floor with her friends and instead of trying to flirt and dance with the available guys in our group, she focused on Robert. She spent the evening giving me her version of The Ice Grill and I spotted her trying to dance with Robert while I was in line for the bathroom. “That girl is really aggressive,” Robert said when I returned.

I shrugged it off, because even though the girl was rude to me, I understood her plight. I’ve only been 100% sure that a guy was attracted to big girls when 1.) I saw him at a BBW club/bar or 2.) I saw him romantically engaged with a big girl. If the girl could bank on any guy at the party being interested in her, Robert was the sure bet because, duh– he was with me!

As plus size women we often assume that men wont date us because of our size. Of course there are plenty of men who are attracted to PSP’s but they don’t walk around wearing “I ♥ Big Girls” t-shirts (and if they did, that would be annoying). I’ll admit that I’ve been jealous of a PSP with a cute boyfriend and secretly wished I’d met him first. Obviously the PSP at the party was jealous that Robert was with me and the girl on the train assumed I was jealous of her and her dentally challenged lover.

Its like a vicious cycle. But I wonder why big girls do it. Do redheads give other redheads The Ice Grill so that they wont steal each others boyfriends? I doubt it…

Thoughts???

I was standing at the bus stop last Saturday wearing a new pair of jeans. As I glanced at my reflection in a store window, I realized that my new jeans were about a size too big and I needed to exchange them. As I thought about whether or not I still had the receipt a strangers voice interrupted my thoughts.

“Girl, stop looking at yourself in the window– you look fine!”

I looked over and a woman I’d never seen before in my life was staring at me, “YOU LOOK FINE!” she said again. I never know how to respond to strangers yelling at me, so I stayed quiet. Of course, she took my silence as permission to continue talking to me, “you look like you’ve lost a lot of weight, ‘cuz your jeans are REAL BAGGY in the leg area! GOOD FOR YOU!” she said, then she gave me a wave and crossed the street.

I think one of the most annoying things about being a bigger girl is that people think its okay to comment on my body. Men think its okay to say “Hey Big Girl!” instead of “Excuse me Miss…” Friends think they can grab your love handles or back rolls… I’ve had strangers stop to ask me what size I wore because they were “shopping for a friend” who’s around my size. I even had a coworker who would refer to me as “Big Sexy” all the time. Um… why couldn’t I just be “sexy”?

I can’t prove it, but I also think people touch me more because I’m big. I worked in retail during college and I found that customers were constantly reaching out and petting me, nudging me, etc. it was very strange.

Its almost as if because I take up more space than other girls, people think I’m suddenly public domain. I’m not!

Its MY Body… MINE!

My buzzer rang at 7:55.

Adrian was five minutes early, but thankfully I was ready. I ran into my room to give myself one last glance in the mirror. We were going to the movies, so I kept it cute/casual: black leggings, a grey cowl-neck tunic, pink heels and a pink clutch. My hair was pulled back into a ponytail and my makeup was pretty neutral. I opened my door and Adrian greeted me with a long hug, “you look pretty” he said, and then he kissed me on the cheek.

Adrian purchased the tickets ahead of time so we didn’t have to wait in line and when I stepped onto the escalators to go the the 4th floor, he stood on the step right behind me. “You smell nice,” he said, brushing his nose against my shoulder. Its so funny how being close to someone for the first time brings a sense of nervousness and excitement. I felt giddy.

Adrian looked at his watch, “we’ve got twenty minutes until the movie starts, are you hungry?”

“Not really,” I replied, which was the truth, I’m not a huge fan of movie food. I noticed people coming out of an outdoor patio area that was eye level with the times square lights. “Do you want to check that out?”

“Sure,” Adrian said, leading me through the doors by the small of my back. I swear, there is something about when a man touches the my lower back… its like, magical or something. Am I the only one who feels this way?

Anyway, walking onto the outdoor deck on a summer night was a pretty straightforward setting for a first kiss, but I wasn’t sure if it would happen.

We stood outside talking about everything and nothing and this is where things get fuzzy. I think Adrian was talking about his plans for grad school when he reached up and ran his fingers through my ponytail. “I like your hair,” he said. He must have read the How to Get CeCe to Fall For You handbook, because playing with my hair is also magical to me.

Between the lower back touching and playing with my hair, I was like putty in Adrian’s hands. I couldn’t think of anything to say, so just smiled, looked him in his eyes… and then he kissed me.

I saw a Plus Size Princess on the 3 train yesterday. She carried her weight in her stomach/midsection, her skin was a little shiny and I could see the bumps under her chin where she’d shaved away her facial hair. I would be willing to bet money that she had Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. Sadly, I couldn’t be so sure that she knew that she had it.

I have PCOS, and while knowing about it doesn’t solve my all of my problems, it does help me understand my body. I think those of you who have been diagnosed will agree that knowing what this issue is changes everything. With PCOS in the picture you dont feel like a total freak because you’re a girl who has to constantly shave random parts of her body. You start to learn what you can/can’t eat and why you have to work extra hard to lose weight.

The unfortunate thing is that many women live with PCOS for years before a doctor bothers to tell them what’s going on. These women are without the expert knowledge of information that comes from doctors being educated. (Even the most basic health science degree program, could prevent women from never being diagnosed with what hurts them).

I can remember being 17 (I was diagnosed in high school) and listening to my 28 year old cousin complain about having to get her face waxed. I took a deep breath and asked her a few personal questions: Do you have irregular periods? Do you feel like your skin is oil/acne prone? She answered “yes” to both. The irregular periods, facial hair and the fact that she was plus size made me pretty confident that she had PCOS. I told her what it was and suggested that she talk to her doctor about it. A week later she called me to say that her doctor confirmed what I said.

I’ve heard stories of women who find out they have PCOS because of fertility issues or women who have to see three or more doctors before someone can explain why that never have their period and cant lose weight. Of course, once PCOS is identified there’s so much that can be done, (the cousin who I diagnosed struggled with infertility, but she gave birth to her first child last year after getting herself to a healthy weight.)

The problem is that women can’t get healthy if they dont know what’s going on in their bodies. Education and knowledge is so important, which is why I wish I could stop every girl I see with traits of PCOS and make sure they know what they might be dealing with. Its just frustrating that as someone living with PCOS, I can spot it a mile away, but so many doctors can’t do the same.

Have any of you had to educate someone about PCOS?