“I really want to make things work with her,” a male acquaintance of mine said during a birthday dinner. “Part of me wonders if I’m determined to make things work because I worked so hard to get her. I mean, I really chased her in the beginning.” He took a sip of his drink and I waited patiently for him to continue.

Its not often that I get to listen to a straight guy analyze his relationship, so I was all ears! (I won’t detail this guys relationship issues, but he’s got some very legit reasons why he’s working things out with his girl.) Anyway, he explained to me that he used his best “game” to get his girlfriend years ago. He had wined her and dined her and won her over, so even though things weren’t perfect now, the memories of what he had done to get her when they first met helped him to hold on now.

Of course as he spoke, my mind drifted to my relationship with Robert.

Robert and I were “just friends” for a very long time. The elements of a romantic relationship were always there, but no lines were crossed, ever. Those of you who have been with me through the whole “Um… Are We Dating?” story on this blog have watched the progression of CeCe & Robert from coworkers, to friendship to dating unfold. You also know how other guys treated me and I think in those other relationships (particularly with Kevin and Adrian) there was a stronger “chase” element.

Hmmm… I thought to myself, Robert didn’t really “chase” me… we just spent time together, became friends and things developed over time. Should I have made him work harder to “get me”? Do guys really need “the chase” to be fully vested in a relationship?

My male acquaintance continued to talk through his relationship issues. “But you know,” he continued “Because I spent so much time chasing her, we never became friends. We’re trying to build a solid friendship now, but its hard to go backwards. If I had come at things differently from the start, learned about her… what she likes… what she doesn’t like… and then seen where things went- I think our relationship now would be much better now.”

Whoa, I couldn’t help but smile, what he described is pretty much how things unfolded with Robert and me. By the time Robert and I went on our first date, he knew so much about me. And the more time we spend together, the more he learns. There is a comfort level that we have that didn’t exist with the guys that chased me, but maybe that’s not a bad thing.

It might not be as overt as when guys run game, but I see Robert work to impress me and make me happy and I appreciate it. When it comes to courtship, I think that being friends first has its pros and cons. But in relationships I’m starting to think that the friendship foundation is key.

At the end of the day, the guys who “put in work to get me” aren’t around anymore… and Mr. “Friends First”, Robert is still here, so maybe that’s my answer… time will tell.

Do YOU believe in being friends first?

Its Christmas Eve, I hope you’re all doing well today! Please continue to pray for the families in Newton, CT. my heart is still heavy for them.

This is my second Christmas dating Robert. Because our pace is sooo slow, last year I wasn’t sure if we were doing gifts and we ended up having a “did you get me something? Oh! I didn’t know we were doing that…” moment (awkward.). This year the idea of Christmas gifts wasn’t even a question. Robert and I have been casually mentioning getting gifts for each other for a few weeks and because I’m staying in NYC this year (I have family coming to me ) we’re getting together later today to exchange presents. Those of you who follow me on twitter already know what his present is, but I’ll update everyone on his reaction later *fingers crossed*.

Anyway, for those of you in relationships how do you determine when to give a Christmas gift to someone you’re dating? Do you give a gift when you feel like it? or do you try and find out if they intend to get you something first?

I really messed up last year, so I’m curious to know how other people avoid that misstep.

P.S. This year I will be posting the New Years outfits of TBGB readers… get your pics to me any way you can. Email them, tweet them to me, tag me on facebook/instagram. I will post the pics I get and hopefully feature some of you on a fashion recap post.

As the new year approaches, it means only one thing-New Years resolutions. If you’re single and dating, one resolution might be at the top of your list-you want to make 2013 the year you find love. A great way to jump-start your dating life in 2013 is with online dating.

Despite it being more popular than ever, some people are still hesitant to sign up for an online dating site. Maybe it seems like too much work or they just aren’t sure where to start. But if you’re tired of the bar and club scene, and frustrated with your friends futile attempts at “matchmaking”, maybe it’s time to take the leap to online dating, We Love Dates is the perfect place to start.

When selecting an online dating site, choose one that fits your needs and what you’re looking for in a date and a relationship. There are online dating sites that cater to specific ethic backgrounds, professions, locations or interests. Search for vegetarian dating, BBW dating and even brunette dating-the sky really is the limit.

Now that you’ve signed up for online dating, make sure you’re doing everything you can to get the most out of it! Read dating advice blogs for online dating tips and tricks. Some people upload a blurry photo and a one word sentence and then complain that nobody emailed them and declare that online dating doesn’t work. Don’t be afraid to show off your personality. The more you share, the more chances you give someone reading your profile to connect with you. Not every first online date is going to be a love connection, but don’t let a few bad dates deter you from your goal of finding the one.

Lastly, maintain an open mind. Instead of going in with a pre-defined list of qualities a date absolutely must have, lose the list and follow your heart. It’s crucial to have high standards when it comes to the people you date, but it’s equally important to make sure you aren’t limiting yourself in your search for love. Take charge of your New Years resolutions and make this the year you find the love of your life, or at least have a blast trying!

I haven’t felt comfortable tweeting/blogging about the events that happened in Connecticut last week, its pretty overwhelming and I have no words. I would like to share that an official fund for the families has been set up, you can donate here. Also if there is someone in your life whose mental health has you concerned, you can click here for resources. I’ll continue to pray and I hope you’ll do the same.

Even though we met in real life, Robert and I went on our first online date last week. HowAboutWe.com, a dating site for singles has launched HowAboutWe for Couples, a subscription service designed specifically for couples.

Each month, you and your boo-cakes receive a new “DateBook” filled with pre-planned, one-of-a-kind experiences in your city. If you’re stuck in a relationship rut of dinners and movies, this is a great way to shakes things up!

For our HowAboutWe for Couples date, Robert and I went to see a show called Restoration Comedy at The Flea. In general, I try not to make Robert go to the theater. We’ve seen broadway shows together and he’s always like *yawn*. But this show sounded different and fun (maybe because the tickets included an open bar) so I made a reservation.

We walked into the theater and were immediately greeted by live music and an interactive cast who made us laugh and asked us questions. While they chatted with us, they regularly brought us yummy cocktails which got the night off to a good start.

The show was funny, entertaining, the intermissions featured more live music and at the end of the show, the theater opened up for a dance party. It was awesome! Here are some of the cast members:

Of course, there are plenty of other options on the HowAboutWe couples site (4 course dinners, walking tours, cooking classes, etc.) and they’re all available for you depending on your city. So, its pretty easy to find something that you and your Honey would like to do.

A HowAboutWe for Couples membership is $22 per month and it gets you: FREE HowAboutWe Dates every month, Sold-out tickets and members-only events, Early booking on HowAboutWe Dates and Couples Rewards.

Dates on HowAboutWe for Couples can also be purchased as a non-Member, without the Member discount and other benefits. For more details, visit HowAboutWe for Couples:

Hello CeCe,

I’m having a really hard time of letting go of what should stay in the past. Ok let me fill you in, I met my Ex boyfriend from an online dating site at the end of 2006. This was my first real relationship, I believe due to the fact im a PSP. So to make a long story short we fell in love and spent the next almost 4 years together. 2 and a half years into to the relationship that’s when things started going down hill due to the fact I felt as though he was ashamed of me because of my weight. Some of the reasoning behind my feelings was that the only people I’ve met was one of his sisters and one friends. I mean it took me two whole years to realize this because he explained he wasn’t really that close to his family. By the time i finally met his mother and siblings it was “too little too late ” type of feeling I had going on so I felt my heart grow cold.

So with me feeling cold-hearted there was a disconnect in our relationship, I believe that’s the reason why he started turning to other women, like texting, calling and whatever else. I really don’t know if he have ever physically cheated and to this day he claims he never has. He even went as far as reaching out to his Ex girlfriend that he was with right before me.

Even after feeling the way I felt we still stayed together up until June 2011. It seems like as soon as I broke up with him he went back to his Ex like I thought he would, but he swears up and down that he haven’t been in touch with her for the last year or so. So it been close to a year and a half and we’re still in touch and he claims that he wants to be with me but I have my sources and I know he’s still going back a forth with his Ex.

CeCe I know you’re thinking like “didn’t you not want to be with him in the first place” yes I know but I still want him to be in my life even if it’s being just friends but he definitely wants more, But I think he wants his Ex too, so its apparent I don’t trust him at all, so I don’t know why I feel we can remain in each others lives. I even tried to sit down and ask him where does he place her in his life and if he ever loved her or love her now and he continues to say he never loved her and that I was his First love and so forth. So I say all this to ask you should I just let him go and if so what are the steps I can take to get him out of my system all over again? I know that this is all over the place but he is a good dude and he explained he never meant to do what he did and he was younger and now he knows what he wants. But the thing is I’m not quite sure of what I want yet. I just know I want honesty…

Sincerely,

Evans Ex

Hey Evans Ex,

Thanks for reaching out! Sounds like you’ve got a lot going on. Hopefully, I can pull together some answers for you based on what you wrote here.

In general, this seems to be a drama filled situation, so I’d like to address that first. This dude always likes to have a girl (or two) waiting in the wings in case things with his current girlfriend go badly. He was unhappy with you, so he cheated instead of just breaking up with you- that seems like a cowardly move to me. This pattern has been done to you and with you, so we know its not a one time thing.

I think drama-filled relationships often keep us from finding people we’re more compatible with. While you’re spending time worrying about a guy who seeks the attention of other women, runs back to his ex as soon as he can and (in my opinion) plays head games… there’s a stand-up dude out there that you haven’t met yet. You to are not married, tell the kid to kick rocks and move forward with your life. I guess if it were that simple, you wouldn’t be writing to me though, so lets dig a little deeper, shall we?

You found the confidence to let him go… why entertain him again once he’s shown his true colors? I think the answer lies in your letter.

You mentioned that being a PSP (Plus Size Princess) was the root of two issues 1.) Not having a boyfriend in the past 2.) Him not introducing you to his family. I think those thoughts are pretty normal, I know I have similar thoughts… but I’m wondering if they’re breeding insecurities for you that go even further than that… are you nervous that you might not find someone else who will accept you at your size? Does the comfort level you have with your ex make it seem easier to deal with his nonsense than to find someone new? …just things to think about.

Now to the questions you asked at the end of your email “So I say all this to ask you should I just let him go and if so what are the steps I can take to get him out of my system all over again?”

Yes, you should just let him go.

The main step to get him out of your system is to accept that you cannot be “just friends” with him. Point blank, period. I know it sounds harsh and it will be hard to let go of him, but if you start to evaluate the questions I posed earlier hopefully you can start to figure out the real reasons you’re holding onto this relationship that as you said in the first line of your email “should stay in the past”.

I’m sure he’s a good guy, but I’m sure you can find an even better guy.

xoxo,

CeCe

CeCe@thebiggirlblog.com

Anyone else have advice for Evans Ex?

I came across an old picture this weekend. The photo was taken when Robert and I were just starting to talk at work events (for those of you are new to TBGB, Robert and I met at work and had a slow progression from coworkers, to friends, to dating which you can scroll through here). Anyway, looking at the photo I’m sitting on a barstool and holding my purse in my lap.

If anyone had seen me in the bar that night, they would have assumed that I was just making sure my purse wasn’t stolen, but I know the truth. I was using one of my Plus Size Princess diversion techniques… holding my purse in my lap, to hide my stomach. Thinking back, if I’m feeling self conscious about my body especially around a guy I will grab something and hold it in front of me… a purse, a pillow, a coat… I’ll even sit side-saddle on a bar stool, putting the back of the bar stool between me and the rest of the bar because it makes me feel more comfortable.

Even though in the moment, I feel like these body covering moves help… they really don’t. A pillow in front of my stomach makes me feel better but it doesn’t make me any smaller and if you saw the photo of me clutching my purse for dear life, you’d see how little it was really covering my trouble spots.

I have to remind myself that when I do crazy things to “cover” myself, I often end up calling more attention to myself. If I wear a big t-shirt in the pool, its way more obvious than if I just wear a bathing suit and keep it moving. If I wear a shrug to cover my arms, it takes away from my sleeveless dresses and tells the world, “I hate my arms! See! I’m covering them up!!”. Like the time I decided to just get naked at the gym, when I remember that its impossible to hide my fat… life becomes more simple.

Thankfully, I’ve become more comfortable with Robert and I can sit around him with nothing in my lap to cover me, but I wonder if those habits would come back if I were to start dating someone new. Hopefully not!

Do you do weird things to cover/hide your body in different situations?