If you’ve left a comment recently asking about Kevin, I don’t want you to think I’ve been ignoring you. I see your comments, tweets and facebook messages asking for updates on my holiday romance. I just… I don’t know what to say, but I decided this morning that I’m just going to write where things are, whats going on and why. I can only hope that I don’t ramble too much and that you will understand where I’m coming from.

When I was in California, everything was so simple. It was Christmas and I was home with nothing but time on my hands. For 10 whole days, I could see Kevin whenever I wanted, stay up till 3am with him and his friends and call him without having to calculate the time difference. From the moment I landed in JFK, the reality of the Kevin situation began to set in. Do I have time/resources for a long distance relationship? Is Kevin really what I wanted?

Do I have time for Kevin? I live a full life in the city, packed with friends, dating prospects and personal obligations like volunteering and church. Once the initial excitement of Kevin wore off, I started to feel like I was fitting him into my life instead of creating time for him. Staying up till 2am on a “school night” was not an option after the first 2 months and sometimes I forget to call him back. Not a good sign.

Do I have resources for an LDR? Long distance relationships can be expensive! When things started, Kevin was in the same city as my parents, so I knew it wouldn’t be too difficult to see him throughout the year. But everything changed when Kevin’s job took him out of state. He left California to spend a year in the mid west on a long term assignment. So now, he’s calling me even more but I feel like its out of boredom since he doesn’t really know anyone where he is. I don’t mind dropping hundreds of dollars on a flight home to see my family, Kevin and spend time on the beach. But I can’t see myself spending that money to fly to the middle of nowhere just for Kevin alone. I think that says something… doesn’t it?

Is Kevin what I’m looking for? The more I talk to Kevin, the more I realize that we see the world in completely different ways. I’m not trying to get ahead of myself, but there are some core values that we differ on and I couldn’t see him being the father of my kids. Because I don’t see a long term future for us, I don’t think it would be wise for me to continue considering everything it would take for us to maintain a long distance situation.

My experience with Kevin is one of the most genuine and special things that’s ever happened to me. It changed the way I see myself, what I expect and what I know I can have but sometimes things that are amazing aren’t meant to last forever.

For those of you who have been wondering, yup… Kevin‘s still in the picture. I don’t want to put you to sleep with the details of the phone conversations and long distance scrabble games on our iPhones, but he’s still around.

This week Kevin left to visit one of his college buddies in Switzerland. He called me right before he left and I missed the call, which meant that I’d have to wait 10 days to hear from him. Around day three of his trip, I started feeling weird. I’d have urges to call or text him… basically, I started to miss him.

Two days later, I logged onto facebook and saw that he’d sent me a message. It wasn’t anything deep, just a quick hello, but it was nice. He’s having an awesome time in Switzerland, but he took the time out to get in contact with me.

Sometimes, it’s the little things….

The weirdest part about getting to know Kevin long distance is how I look forward to phone calls from him like I’d look forward to a date with someone local. During the week, we talk for about 30 minutes when I get home from work, the gym etc. and on the weekends, we can talk longer and later because I don’t have to be in bed by a certain time. With Kevin being 3 hours behind I can also keep my social schedule intact. I can go out with friends and even if I get home after 2am, Kevin and I can still talk for a while. These types of evenings are becoming routine for us.

Like last Friday, I had dinner/drinks with some girlfriends, got home around 1am (10pm Kevin’s time) and was still able to curl up in my bed and talk to him until a little after 3am. This wasn’t a problem because I could sleep in as long as I wanted the next day. Well, that was the plan….

My phone rang at 12:45pm and I was still asleep. I groggily reached over to hit the “ignore” button, but when I lifted the phone off of my nightstand I saw Kevin’s name (and a cute photo of us) flashing on my screen.

“Hey mister, is everything alright?”

“Yeah… I’m fine. I’m at the hospital.”

I sat up in my bed. “What happened?”

“I had my basketball game this morning and I messed up my ankle. It might be broken.”

“Oh my gosh,” I said.

Kevin wouldn’t know what was going on until he was seen by the doctor, so I just stayed on the phone with him until his name was called. Although I had planned to sleep later, I was already awake, so I got out of bed to start my weekend chores, run some errands and wait to hear back from him.

Dating in New York has put me in a constant state of ambivalence. I try not to get my hopes up about anything because its been my experience that things can fall apart as quickly as they develop. I’ve had guys call after dates and ask to see me again and then… I never hear from them. While I say I’m excited to explore things with Kevin; each time we hang up in the back of my mind I wonder if he’s going to call again. Then when he does call, I’m pleasantly surprised. Needless to say, I’ve remained in a very guarded space.

I think that’s why it wasn’t until I was scrubbing my bathtub that I realized; perhaps I shouldn’t brush off this particular phone call.

A few years ago I got sick and ended up in the hospital for a week (I’ll tell you that story another day). Even though I was scared and sometimes bored, I didn’t call every single person in my phone. Instead I called a few select people who were important to me.

Kevin calling me during an “emergency moment” is kind of a big deal. It speaks to where he’s placed me in his life.

Maybe its time for me to give real thought where he stands in mine.

If you follow me on twitter, you may remember me asking this question. Here’s what prompted it:

I saw my phone blinking with Kevin’s name.

“Hello?”

“Heeey CeCe… what’s up?”

“Nothing, what are you doing?”

“Well, its Grants birthday! Remember Grant?”

“Of course I do,” Grant was one of Kevin’s best friends. I’d met him while I was home.

“Grant likes you a lot,” Kevin said. “I just thought I should call you…”

I listened for a while as he rambled some really funny and really sweet things. This was the first time I’d received a “drunk dial” from Kevin and as our conversation continued, I couldn’t stop laughing. It was quite entertaining….

The drunk dial happened after I’d been back in New York for about 3 weeks. Things with Kevin had been going well considering we lived on opposite sides of the country. During the first week I wasn’t sure if what happened over the holidays was a fling or if we were going to explore things. I was fine either way, but I figured I should make it clear to Kevin that although I was returning to the big city, he was welcome in my life.

After a few days of random text messaging, our first long distance conversation ended with me trying to find the right words. “Well, I just wanted to like, check in,” I said after a few minutes of chit chat. “and you know… if we’re going to be, um… ‘friends’ you should, like… call me sometimes.” (My Valley Girl accent comes out when I’m nervous… don’t judge me!)

“Definitely! …I’m sorry,” he replied.

“No, its totally, cool…”

“Alright, Celeste I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Sounds good, bye.”

He knew that he was welcome to call. What he did from there was up to him. I figured I’d give it a week.

Eight days later, Kevin called. We talked for a little bit, but I had to cut the conversation short because I wasn’t at home. I called him back later that day and then over the next few days and weeks we slowly got into a phone routine. He’d call, regularly and we would talk about anything and everything. Although we have a strong history, knowing him from age 5-13 didn’t mean I knew him as an adult. We were learning about each other and it was fun.

When I hung up from the drunk dial I could feel myself going into girly mode. Aww, he’s thinking about me… which is why I sent out an SOS via twitter. I got some solid answers to my question from some of the male dating bloggers like @singlecityguy and @DatingRev and then @TheZaftigLife put what I was thinking into words when she said “I believe drunk words = sober thoughts.”

Of course, we don’t want the drunk dials to become a regular thing (and they haven’t). But it did give me some insight to where I was in Kevin’s mind (at the forefront, woot woot!). Honestly, I don’t know how I feel about starting a long distance relationship, but I have no complaints and I’m not rushing to define things, I like watching them slowly unfold.

I woke up slightly disoriented, but after a few minutes I realized that I had fallen asleep fully clothed and was using Kevin as a pillow. This was our last night together before I flew back. We’d packed our evening full of plans that included miniature golf and hanging out with his friends. At the end of it all, we’d come back to his apartment and apparently we both passed out while watching a movie. I tried not to move as I felt myself rise and fall slightly with his breathing.

I looked at the clock on his cable box. It was 2:15am and I needed to get home asap. My traditional parents would not be happy with me spending the night at a boys apartment. On the other hand, I knew that I wouldn’t have time to see Kevin again before I flew back to New York. Even though it was time for me to go, I stayed put.

When I booked my flight home for Christmas, I never would have imagined that all of this would happen. A two week dating whirlwind had been the breath of fresh air I needed after everything that happened (or didn’t happen) in 2009. As much as I wanted to make this experience the barometer by which I measured dating from now on, I had to be careful. Maybe this relationship unfolded so quickly and easily because of the time constraints and the distance. No matter what our feelings were for each other in the past, Kevin and I both knew going into things that there was an expiration date on our time together.

If Kevin lived in New York would he have been so direct? If I lived in California would I have made myself so available?

Who knows… and honestly, who cares? Being curled up with Kevin at 2:15am felt amazing. I kissed Kevin until he woke up. “I gotta go,” I said.

“Don’t, you should stay,” he said groggily.

I tried to get up, but he grabbed my hips and pulled me back. I let him hold me for a few more minutes. It was so nice.

“This is so nice,” he said.

I knew that if I didn’t get up at that moment, I would never leave, so I pulled myself together and let Kevin walk me to my car. I wanted to ask if we’d keep in touch, or how Kevin wanted to handle things but I didn’t. Ruining the moment with logistics just seemed silly. Even if Kevin and I never spoke again, I had a brand new perspective on relationships and what I deserved thanks to him, and that was more than enough.

We said goodbye as if neither of us realized I would be across the country in 48 hours. The only thing that gave us away was our final hug, which was kind of long. Then I think I said something like “see you later” before getting into my car and driving off.

When I pulled into my parents driveway I reached into my purse to check my messages and take my phone off of silent mode. I had two text messages. One was from my parents reminding me to set the alarm system when I got home. The other was from Robert:

Forget the California sunshine and come back to New York….

Okay, I think I’m about to show how much of a nerd I am, but here goes…. Have any of you ever seen “The Mirror Has Two Faces” starring Barbara Streisand? I feel like any PSP on a weight loss journey should watch this movie at least once. Barbara plays this doubty woman who decides to change her look, lose weight etc. and once she gets all hot, the guy she’s been in love with FOREVER (played by Pierce Brosnan… ♥!) finally makes a move on her. While he has her on the couch, kissing her he says something like, “I think I was always in love with you, I just didn’t know it.” and then Barbara has this epiphany and basically realizes that if it took her losing weight, changing her hair and putting on makeup for this guy to fall for her… maybe he’s not the guy she wants.

Yeah. It’s amazing.

So there I was, curled up on the couch with Kevin having my own Mirror Has Two Faces moment. “This isn’t how I imagined it would be when we were in the eighth grade,” Kevin said in between kisses.

I felt my stomach tense up a little. “Is it better…? or wo–”

“No, no! This is way better,” he chimed in. “Back then I thought maybe we would hold hands or something.”

We laughed.

Growing up, I was taught by Jenny Jones, Ricky Lake and all those other talk shows that I was supposed to lose weight and then flaunt my new look to the guys from my past who weren’t interested in me before. Then those men would suddenly become attracted to me we’d live happily ever after, The End.

When I watched “The Mirror Has Two Faces” for the first time, I wondered if I could be like Barbara and walk away from the ultimate fantasy come true. But being on the couch having a high school style make out session with Kevin, I realized I didn’t have to, because… I hadn’t lost the weight! If anything I’ve gained weight since Junior High (as I’m sure most people have). Knowing that Kevin liked me as a chubby preteen and that he still liked me as a twentysomething PSP made the whole thing very sweet and comfortable.

It was close to 3am when I reluctantly untangled myself from Kevin and got up from the couch to head home. Kevin walked me to my car. “Do you want to play miniature golf sometime this week?” he said.

“Sure, that sounds fun.” I hugged him and got into my car. I was about halfway back to my parents house when Kevin sent me a text message:

Wow, I guess childhood dreams do come true….

He’s so cute!

The next morning I was doing cardio by walking around my parents neighborhood. As I replayed the events from the night before, a very vivid memory of Kevin and me from the 7th grade popped into my head…

As I’ve mentioned before, despite my weight, I was always a part of the “in crowd” at school. Our class was taking a 2 hour bus ride somewhere for a field trip and the “cool kids” (including yours truly) were sitting in the back of the bus. We were a frisky bunch of preteens and somehow we decided that the girls should give back massages to the boys. I wound up massaging Kevin which was exactly what I wanted and exactly what I was afraid of. I can remember kneading my hands slowly into his shoulders for a few minutes and then having the terrifying thought. “What if Kevin would rather be massaged by one of the other (skinny) girls?” I abruptly lifted my hands, muttered something about not wanting to give him a “boner” and then I curled up in my seat with my Walkman over my ears.

The young version of Celeste would get defensive and reject people before they could reject her. Unfortunately remnants of that behavior still lie within the adult version of me. Sometimes I mask it with expectations of extreme chivalry “if a man likes me, he will say so”, other times I hide behind my high standards. Being defensive is so much easier than taking risks. But what if risks are the key to getting what I want?

When I got back to my parents house I had a voicemail. It was Kevin.

“Hey CeCe, it was great seeing you last night. I’m having a few people over at my apartment tonight, you should come by. If you can’t that’s cool… maybe we can hang out another time. Call me.”

For me, getting out of New York City means getting away from men and dating but listening to Kevin’s message it looked like that wouldn’t be the case this trip. I called him back and let him know that I although I had dinner plans with my family, I would drop by his apartment afterwards if people were still around.

Later that evening as my family neared the end of our dinner, I sent Kevin a text message.

Should I still come by?

A few seconds later he replied,

Yes

It was close to 11 when I pulled up to Kevin’s place. As I got out of my car, I saw him coming down the steps.

“Hey,” he said giving me a hug.

“Hi there,” I smiled.

Kevin had an awkward look on his face, he took a deep breath. “So I should probably tell you that everyone just left…”

“Oh,” I didn’t know what to say.

“Yeah, my friends act like a bunch of old married couples. But you’re here! So… shall we?”

I felt cute in a new pair of jeans from Torrid and a blue argyle sweater but climbing the stairs to Kevin’s apartment with him behind me, I was so self conscious. With every step I could feel his eyes on me. I wanted to fidget with my clothes, but I forced my hands to stay still. Either he liked what he saw or he didn’t and me pulling my shirt down in the back wasn’t going to make a difference. He opened the door for me and after a brief tour of the apartment we made our way to the living room.

“Have a seat,” he said as he cleared the used wine glasses from his coffee table. There was an arm chair and a couch. The defensive Celeste would have made an executive decision and taken the arm chair, but I took a small risk and sat on the couch. I would give him the option of sitting next to me or not. A few minutes later, Kevin emerged from the kitchen juggling two wine glasses and two bottles.

“Red or White?” he asked.

“Red please.”

He poured the wine and took a seat next to me on the couch. The way Kevin was sitting (turned towards me with his arm extended across the back of the couch) created a little nook that was perfect for me to lean into, but I didn’t, I couldn’t, it was too risky. Instead we spent hours catching up, reminiscing and talking about the future. Kevin has always been sort of a goof, so we laughed a lot which was nice. Every once and a while, he would reach over and touch my leg or my hand and I would flirt back, messing his hair up etc. but inside I felt so tense. It was awful.

Was Kevin putting the moves on me? Was he just being nice? I needed to get out of my head and just stay in the moment.

Out of the blue Kevin brought up a teacher from the fourth grade who he loved and I absolutely hated. We began to trade stories and debate her good (and not so good) qualities. Maybe it was the wine, the laughter or a mix of both, but I felt myself truly relax. I don’t know how it happened but I found my way into the little nook that Kevin’s arm made. His arm closed around me as if he’d been waiting and we just kept talking and laughing as he played with my hair. After a while we just cuddled on the couch in silence.

“This is nice,” he said.

“It is…” I said smiling to myself.

“I guess it was sort of inevitable, we’ve been in love with each other since elementary school.”

I adjusted a little within my nook so that I could see his face. I wanted to make a joke, but I couldn’t think of anything to say.

He looked at me, I smiled… and then he kissed me.

Growing up, I went to a small K-8 elementary school in California. We were a very close group of kids and with the help of facebook a few of us do a decent job of keeping in touch as adults.

When I got off the plane from NY to CA, I had a facebook message from one of my childhood classmates.

Hey, I’m having a little reunion get together at my parents house. If you’re in town tomorrow, please stop by!

As someone who hasn’t even had a high school Reunion yet, I was completely caught off guard. I’ve always thought that by the time I got the the “reunion phase” of my life, I’d be super skinny. I imagined I’d be the one who walked into the room in a ridiculous form fitting dress and then people would scream “Oh My GOD! I didn’t even recognize you!!!”

Yeah… that definitely would not be the case.

The party started at 8pm and at 9:05 I had changed outfits three times and still didn’t have any makeup on. My phone started chiming with “where are you?” text messages, so I finally settled on a pair of jeans, a grey tank top, a burgundy cardigan (and some Spanx… lets not forget that). I ran the flat iron through my hair, did a quick cosmetics application and at 9:45 I was taking a deep breath and ringing the doorbell.

There’s something amazing about being with old friends. I was greeted with warm hugs from people who I have a strong history with and any thoughts of my weight quickly melted away. I placed my purse on the couch and headed to the kitchen for a glass of wine. As I turned the corner I almost collided with someone who was on their way out of the kitchen. I looked up and saw a tall man with curly red hair. There was only one person from my childhood who had curly red hair… Kevin Howard.

“Celeste?!”

“Kevin… hi!”

“Wow, how are you?” he said sweeping me up in a huge hug.

“I- I’m fine, thanks.” I felt my heart flutter which was a ridiculous yet familiar feeling.

When you know someone from age five to age thirteen, your views of them change drastically during that time. My early memories of Kevin are pretty hazy because he was a boy and I didn’t talk to boys. But when we hit puberty, things changed. Around the 6th grade, things felt different with Kevin than with the other boys in my class, but I couldn’t wrap my 11 year old head around what exactly it was that I felt. I can remember coming home with my little yearbook on the last day of school and being horrified when my Mother pointed out that there were hearts around my face and Kevin’s face in the class photo. I knew I hadn’t done it, which could only mean he had. I spent the whole summer looking at those hearts and wondering if Kevin liked me, but as a chubby girl I just didn’t think it was possible.

In 7th and 8th grade Kevin was a one of many boys that I spent my days flirting with at school and my nights chatting with on the phone. Things still felt different with him, but I wasn’t sure how to handle it. So I did what any logical 12 year old would do… I set him up to “go out” with my best friend and then sat around miserable as I watched them holding hands at lunch.

All of that came rushing back as we stood in the kitchen grinning at each other and catching up. Then I heard a voice from the living room, “WHERE’S CECE?” There was an entire party going on outside the kitchen but I was so caught up in my nostalgic flirt-fest that I’d forgotten.

“I guess we should mingle,” I said reluctantly.

“I guess so… after you,” Kevin gestured for me to lead the way.

Overall the party was a great time, it was awesome to catch up with everyone and get updates on kids, grad school, careers etc. At the end of the night, as I said goodbye to everyone Kevin offered to walk me to my car.

“How long are you in town?” he asked.

“Till New Years…”

“Cool, maybe we can do something while you’re here.”

“That would be awesome,” I replied.

We exchanged numbers, hugged again and then I pulled away in my car. As I drove home, my mind began to wander. I always second guess myself when it comes to men and their intentions. How many times have I sensed that a guy was interested in me, only to have nothing come of it? Would all of this be different if I were thin? Is that what’s been holding him back all these years?

Kevin could simply be looking to reconnect with an old friend, but there’s chemistry between us that hasn’t changed since junior high school and I couldn’t pretend it wasn’t there.

Only time would tell….