This post was inspired by the online debates I’ve seen about Beyonce showing her body, particularly the bottom of her breasts on the cover of GQ this month. I guess Body Policing can happen even if you have a perfect body!

When I was 13 my best friend Jennifer and I got matching pink/purple spaghetti strapped tank tops (this was right before she “stole my boyfriend” and I had to go all 90210 on her, but I digress). Matching outfits with my best friend was a huge deal for me because she was 5’1 and skinny and I was a 5’10 Plus Size Princess in puberty who already had D cup breasts. As you can imagine, finding a cute top that fit both of us was a pretty daunting task.

One day, we decided that we would wear our cute little tanks to dance class at our performing arts school. Intermediate Jazz was business as usual, a warm up… across the floor exercises and then choreography to our favorite songs. If you know anything about a good workout/dance class, the high you feel is amazing… by the end of class we were a bundle of happy energy and endorphins. Going to the School of the Arts meant that I was able to get that feeling in school twice a week with all my friends. This was heaven to me so, when my dance teacher asked to speak to me after class I bounced over to her almost giddily.

“Yes, Ms. V?” I said, pulling my duffel bag onto my shoulder.

“CeCe, I don’t want you wearing that tank top in my class anymore. You need to bring tops that cover your breasts.” Ms. V said, curtly.

Her comments brought my emotions down from a dancers high at a rate so fast it stung. I was mortified. I blinked, quickly… taking in not only what she said, but the way she said it. Ms. V had never been mean to me, but today her voice had a slight edge to it. Her request wasn’t terrible but it was almost like I had offended her.

All the girls wore tank tops to dance class, but according to Ms. V, I could not. Being a teenage PSP, I often felt boxed out of trends that my peers were rocking because they just didn’t make those things in my size. So that pink/purple tank top meant a lot to me. Now, I was feeling boxed out again… My skinny bff, was by no means flat chested but she wasn’t asked to cover her breasts. The tank was okay on her, but not on me. She was okay seeing the moderate size breasts in tank tops, but my full breasts were too much.

We’re okay if Beyonce shows traditional “top of breast” cleavage, but seeing the bottom of her breasts is over the line- how do we decide these things?

Looking back, could I have worn something less revealing to dance class? Sure! Was her request outrageous? Not really. It was a good teaching moment, because at that age I was still learning my body and what was appropriate (my Mom probably would have told me to pack a different top for dance class, had she seen what I had planned to wear).

I think the hardest part about that moment for me is that I felt judged.

When you have large breasts on a plus size body it’s almost as if your breasts become a punch line. An extension of a body that already takes up “too much space”. Suddenly, your body becomes public domain and everyone had an opinion on how your body is represented.

Body Policing comes in many different forms “you’re too big wear that”, “that’s not age-appropriate”, “you’re a mom now”… how often to we hear (or say) things like that? I know I do. But I’m starting to wonder if that’s a form of body policing… what do you think?

Should we judge how much skin people (of all sizes) show?

Happy New Year, Lovelies!

2013 has started off with something super fun. I’m featured in this months issue of Plus Model Magazine! PMM asked five bloggers to share their fall/winter style… mine was color.

This was also one of the last photo shoots I did with my natural hair out of braids, I had just gotten a cut/flat iron. I’m so happy with how healthy it is right now.

Coincidentally, as you flip through this months issue, you’ll notice that the Rachel Pally dress I’m wearing is featured in another spread worn by the fabulous +size model, Marquita Pring. At first I kind of panicked at the idea of being compared to a +size model in the same dress, but then I reminded myself that when it comes to +size fashion, our different body shapes can make outfits look completely different from one Plus Size Princess to another. So, here’s a chance for you guys to see the same dress on two very different bodies.

The fact that we’re both rocking the same dress goes to show that it’s always good to try things on even if you think it might not work for you… you never know!

Thanks to Plus Model Mag for featuring me! Be sure to check out the rest of this months issue here. A lot of you ask where I get my wide calf boots, check out my fave affordable boots below!

This morning Robert noticed that the price tags on my brand new sweater were visible through the knit. Too lazy to take the sweater off, I turned my back to him “Can you just tear it off?” I asked. He reached down the back of my top, carefully ripped the price tag and extra button off and handed it to me.

It wasn’t until an hour later that I realized I’d given him access to my clothing size without a second thought. For some of you this might sound like nothing, but for me its a huge deal. Not only because I let him see what size I wore, but because I’ve always had a very strange relationship with clothing tags.

You see up until the past year or so, none of my clothes had tags on them. I’m not talking about the price tags, everyone takes those off. I’m talking about the tag with a number on it that identifies what size dress/pants/sweater you have. For as long as I can remember I would rush home after a shopping trip, grab the scissors and cut the sizes off of everything I bought. The numbers 18… 20 … or 24 had no place in my closet (even if they applied to me) so I cut the numbers off as a way of pretending that I wasn’t that size.

Silly, I know… but it’s what I did.

Denial feels really good sometimes.

So fast forward to this morning… with Robert removing my forgotten price tag. As I went to throw it away, I had to pause and acknowledge how far I’ve come in accepting myself as a Plus Size Princess. Not only did I purchase the sweater last night and skip my size cutting ritual, but I let the guy I’m dating remove the tag for me… letting him see the size that I am right now.

I’m proud of myself.

Do any of YOU do weird things with your clothes?

I’ve been meeting more and more people who have undergone weight loss surgery and there’s something I’ve noticed. When we’re in mixed company and their weight loss comes up, it’s never a simple “I’ve lost ___ pounds”. Instead there is an explanation of the surgery they had, how it differs from other weight loss procedures and how/why they made the decision. I always wondered why they felt the need to go into such detail and now I think I’m starting to understand… they’re trying to fight the stigma attached to weight loss surgery because some people say weight loss surgery is cheating.

Weight loss surgery is a serious decision. I’ve seen people who’ve had surgery, gotten super skinny and then gained their weight right back because they used their new stomach as a crutch and not a tool. This lets us all know that it’s not a magical solution.

While I don’t think surgery is the best path for me I respect the work that is necessary to make weight loss surgery a success… not to mention the financial commitment of the surgery and the often needed body lift and tummy tuck… it’s not a cheap or easy process.

The Plus Size Princess Fitness Challenge is based on working out and eating well because those are the basics to slimming down as far as I’m concerned. Some of the #PSPfit girls are doing programs like weight watchers and jenny craig because that’s what works for them. Look up #PSPfit on twitter or Instagram and you will find a supportive group that’s growing every day… I just want to state for the record that weight loss surgery patients are welcomed to join us. We’d be happy to have you!

p.s. My weight stayed the same post thanksgiving, hooray!

I came across an old picture this weekend. The photo was taken when Robert and I were just starting to talk at work events (for those of you are new to TBGB, Robert and I met at work and had a slow progression from coworkers, to friends, to dating which you can scroll through here). Anyway, looking at the photo I’m sitting on a barstool and holding my purse in my lap.

If anyone had seen me in the bar that night, they would have assumed that I was just making sure my purse wasn’t stolen, but I know the truth. I was using one of my Plus Size Princess diversion techniques… holding my purse in my lap, to hide my stomach. Thinking back, if I’m feeling self conscious about my body especially around a guy I will grab something and hold it in front of me… a purse, a pillow, a coat… I’ll even sit side-saddle on a bar stool, putting the back of the bar stool between me and the rest of the bar because it makes me feel more comfortable.

Even though in the moment, I feel like these body covering moves help… they really don’t. A pillow in front of my stomach makes me feel better but it doesn’t make me any smaller and if you saw the photo of me clutching my purse for dear life, you’d see how little it was really covering my trouble spots.

I have to remind myself that when I do crazy things to “cover” myself, I often end up calling more attention to myself. If I wear a big t-shirt in the pool, its way more obvious than if I just wear a bathing suit and keep it moving. If I wear a shrug to cover my arms, it takes away from my sleeveless dresses and tells the world, “I hate my arms! See! I’m covering them up!!”. Like the time I decided to just get naked at the gym, when I remember that its impossible to hide my fat… life becomes more simple.

Thankfully, I’ve become more comfortable with Robert and I can sit around him with nothing in my lap to cover me, but I wonder if those habits would come back if I were to start dating someone new. Hopefully not!

Do you do weird things to cover/hide your body in different situations?

There’s a quote I see all the time that says “The best accessory a girl can own is confidence”

*eye roll*

Confidence is not something I’ve ever owned… at best I rent it like high-end jewels for the Oscars.

I’ve had people mention my confidence as something they admire about me. Every time I hear that I feel like I’m making it look too easy. Maybe because I live with that little voice in my head that nags me about my back fat, my inner thighs rubbing together, my round stomach… the list goes on and on.

Maybe the difference is that although I beat myself up over things I make the best of what I have and I try really hard not let my insecurities hold me back. I’ve learned what looks good on me (and what doesn’t), I’ve learned what my current limits are but I’m not afraid to try and press past them. I’ve learned from experience that every time I tell that little voice in my head to “kick rocks” so that I can take a chance, I’m pleasantly surprised at the results. But that doesn’t mean its any easier the next time… when it comes to confidence, I feel like I’m starting from scratch each morning.

I’ve had people ask me how they can become confident… the short answer is, its complicated.

We talk about confidence like it’s this black and white thing that you do or don’t have, but it’s so much more than that in my opinion. For me, confidence is a journey not a destination. Confidence isn’t something that you acquire and never lose its something that you have to work to keep. And it’s not easy.

How are YOU doing on your confidence journey?