As I walked across Eldridge street I had butterflies in my stomach. I’d been talking to Brian, the guy I gave my number to for a week and this was our first date. Brian had suggested that we go dancing at bOb, a hole in the wall dance club on the Lower East Side that plays hip hop and reggae until the wee hours of the morning.

As I approached the club, I saw a broad, 6’4 cutie waiting for me on the corner.

“Hi,” I smiled.

“Hi,” he pulled me in for a hug and I closed my eyes as he gave me a little squeeze. He took a step back, “you look good”.

“Thanks,” I felt good in a black and white mini dress and knee-high boots. My braids were pulled back into a ponytail and my face was done with bronzer, a smokey eye and clear lip gloss.

I was excited. The electricity I felt from across the counter in Urban Outfitters was even more intense as Brian took my hand and lead me into the crowded club. Without saying much, Brian took me into the middle of the dance floor and we started to move. The music at bOb, a tiny sweat box of a club, created a sultry mood. We danced all night, with Brian taking time out to buy me drinks from time to time.

The chemistry I had with Brian was great and as first dates went, this one was going very well. As the night went on I could feel my soft 5’10 inch frame melting into his solid 6’4 inch frame. His hands moved from my waist to my hips and back again as he wrapped his arms around me from behind. Then I felt his hands push my ponytail to the side to make room for his lips on my neck.

You know that old school Mya song? The one when she sings “your lips are telling me yes when they’re kissing on my neck… should I stay? should I go? I don’t know!” I was basically having the real life experience of that song with Brian on the dance floor at bOb.

I was melting in his hands and it felt great, but I wanted more than something physical and I felt like if we got any closer, our chances of dating in the traditional sense would be ruined. It was getting late, so I told him I was ready to go home. I was hoping that by pumping the breaks, Brian and I could get to know each other more and take our time. He seemed cool about it, he hailed me a cab, handed the driver $40 to get me home and then leaned down into the back seat, his face hovering in front of mine.

“I had fun,” he whispered.

“Me too,” I said.

Then he kissed me.

Part Three, next week….

The minute I locked eyes with the tall chocolate man behind the register at Urban Outfitters, something inside me awakened. It wasn’t love at first sight, but more like whoa you’re really hot and you keep looking at me maybe you think I’m hot too- whatever feeling that is. He kept glancing over at me from behind the counter and I kept pretending not to notice, while panicking on the inside. I was buying candles and a pair of sunglasses (all that would fit me from that store), and wasn’t sure what I should do if by chance I was called to his register.

This was (before Robert) when I was starting to understand that a Plus Size Princess can never predict who will be attracted to her. I had been going to the BBW parties in NYC and the experience of going to bars/clubs where my size was not an issue was doing amazing things for my confidence.

So there I am, making eyes with the store clerk at Urban Outfitters with butterflies in my stomach. I was next in line and there was a 50/50 chance I would be called to his register… but do to a missing price tag, I wasn’t. Instead I was waited on by a polite hipster girl who wrapped my sunglasses in tissue paper and sent me on my way. As I tucked my credit card into my wallet I snuck one last glance over to my chocolate cashier and to my terror/glee he was staring at me too and he smiled.

When I got home, I was still thinking about him. Without speaking he had stirred something up in me and I couldn’t ignore it. I wanted to know more about him and the way he looked at me was as if he was interested. Before I realized what I was doing, I googled the phone number for Urban Outfitters and dialed it.

“Urban Outfitters, how can I help you?” a cheerful woman answered.

I froze- I hadn’t really thought through what I would say, so I began to wing it.

“Hi… Um… I was just in your store and I think one of my friends was working the register but- the line was so long I couldn’t speak to him… he’s a really tall black guy with a bald head?”

“Oh, yeah- Brian, he’s here but he’s on break.”

“Okay, um… can I maybe leave a message for him?”

“Sure,”

“Okay- Can you tell him that CeCe called. Here’s my number…”

I gave her my name and number, hung up the phone and exhaled deeply. It was a random slightly stalkerish thing to do, but somehow it made me feel better. I was becoming more fearless when it came to men, less convinced that everyone was going to reject me. This was good.

Two hours later, my phone rang with a number I didn’t recognize.

“Hello?”

“Yeah, this is Brian, someone left a message for me to call this number… CeCe?”

“Yeah, that’s me, um… hi.”

“Hello”

“I was in the store today and you kept looking at me… I just… I just wanted you to have my number and I figured since you were at work you couldn’t ask for it.”

“Oh,” he laughed. “Well, a lot of girls come in the store. What do you look like?”

I couldn’t bring myself to describe myself as big/plus size/fat (I’ve grown more since then, but at that time it wasn’t happening) so I offered to text him a picture.

“Okay cool,” he replied. “send it to me now, I’m about to get on the train though.”

We hung up and I sent my most recent, cutest, full body pic. I figured I was being more forward than I had ever been before, there was no need to hide now. 40 minutes later I had a text back:

You are so beautiful

Ready for Part two? Click here!

Happy New Year, Lovelies!

2013 has started off with something super fun. I’m featured in this months issue of Plus Model Magazine! PMM asked five bloggers to share their fall/winter style… mine was color.

This was also one of the last photo shoots I did with my natural hair out of braids, I had just gotten a cut/flat iron. I’m so happy with how healthy it is right now.

Coincidentally, as you flip through this months issue, you’ll notice that the Rachel Pally dress I’m wearing is featured in another spread worn by the fabulous +size model, Marquita Pring. At first I kind of panicked at the idea of being compared to a +size model in the same dress, but then I reminded myself that when it comes to +size fashion, our different body shapes can make outfits look completely different from one Plus Size Princess to another. So, here’s a chance for you guys to see the same dress on two very different bodies.

The fact that we’re both rocking the same dress goes to show that it’s always good to try things on even if you think it might not work for you… you never know!

Thanks to Plus Model Mag for featuring me! Be sure to check out the rest of this months issue here. A lot of you ask where I get my wide calf boots, check out my fave affordable boots below!

Merry Christmas!

Thanks to everyone who helped me choose an outfit for my holiday party. Of course, I can only wear the dress once in a while but the Capelet Trench Coat I ordered from SimplyBe might be my best purchase this winter. I’ve worn it every day since it arrived haha! It was $99, but I had a coupon for $40 off any purchase, so it was a steal at $59! Also, the coat is super heavy and warm. I have a collection of brooches, so I added a few sparkly ones on the lapel for a some glamorous flair.

For those of you wondering, the cape does come off if you want to wear it in a more simple style.

Coat: SimplyBe here, Bag: SimplyBe here, Shoes: Avenue (sold out), Tights: JustMySize (in-store at Walgreens), Glasses: H&M (Old), Infinity Scarf: H&M (Old).

Hair: Bantu Knot-out, Nails: Essie “Jazz”, LipGloss Anastasia

I used to be terrified that wrap dresses would accentuate my “lumps” instead of my curves… I’m realizing that’s not the case. This dress is slate blue with a pink sash, and… pockets!

p.s. I took my braids out and I’m rocking my natural hair for the winter, I’m new to the natural hair game and this was my first updo!

Dress: c/o Igigi, available here. Bag: Jessica Simpson, old. Shoes: Avenue, old. Fishnets: Spanx/Lane Bryant available here.

Photos by: Zanography

Sometimes I forget that I’ve never dated anyone as long as I’ve dated Robert. Going on a few dates with lots of guys has given me a many experiences (both good and bad) but there’s a lot of new territory that comes with dating the same person for an extended period of time and that’s what I’m navigating these days.

One of Robert’s old coworkers got married recently and he invited me to go with him. Instead of buying a whole new outfit, I wore one of my favorite dresses from LucieLu (I reviewed it a while back here), I purchased some beige heels from Avenue on sale and beige hair accessories from Old Navy, I think I spent like $25 total:

Anyway, It wasn’t until halfway through the night that I realized I’d never been invited to a wedding as someone’s date before. It was kind of a big deal for me. It made me feel… like a “grown up” a little bit! It also became a little bit of a milestone, relationship-wise… it made me feel like Robert and I are in a good place.

As I’ve mentioned before, because Robert and I are in the “slow and steady” lane, its easy for me to look at other relationships zipping by and get ansy. But at the wedding I made sure to just enjoy where he and I are, there were a lot of older couples at our table who had the stresses of life/kids/babysitters/putting gas in the car on their shoulders. Robert and I spent the night laughing, dancing and enjoying each other. Going to the wedding with him was a reminder to just rock out with what we’ve got going and keep looking out for new “firsts”.

Even though I have an entire blog dedicated to my life as a Plus Size Princess, it’s very hard for me to discuss my weight and weight related issues “in real life”. As Robert and I continue to navigate our relationship, I’m realizing more and more that I have to let him in on what I go through as a PSP even though its difficult. I make vague comments to him that are rooted in my insecurities and while I know what I’m talking about, Robert doesn’t and he just thinks I’m being weird.

I read every single comment you guys post on TBGB and the comments on last week’s post made me realize that I have to clue Robert in on the way I feel people, specifically women, react to us as a couple from time to time. When male strangers make comments to us it’s usually a straightforward compliment about me; “lucky guy”, “take care of that one”, “look, its Beyoncé!” etc. When female strangers have opinions, it’s always so subtle and nuanced that explaining it almost makes me feel crazy, even though I know what’s happening.

So the other night on the phone, I put it all on the table with Robert. I talked about the woman on the train, the girl who assumed he was dating someone else even though he was buying my drinks and a few other incidents that I was sensitive about. I can’t remember everything I said, but it went something like this:

“… for whatever reason, people don’t always think we ‘match’ and so they do things that make me uncomfortable. I also think they assume I’m desperate to be with you, even though we both know we could be with other people if we wanted to…” I was stammering to get my point across, but I kept going. “… based on what people have said and done I know they think that I’m WAY more vested in our relationship than you are. So, that makes it hard for me to stand up for what we have… because, if I’m constantly letting people know that we’re together while you sit back quietly, I feel like I’m just feeding into a ‘thirsty big girl trying to keep her man’ image.”

“CeCe, you know I don’t care what people think. I know what it is between us, so those things don’t matter to me,” Robert said.

“I know…”

“But, some of the things you’ve brought up I had no idea were happening… now that I know what bothers you, I’ll probably be more aware of when it happens than you are!”

I smiled into the phone.

“I guess,” Robert continued “I don’t pick up on things like that because it’s not the way I see things. I mean, if people think we don’t ‘match’ I would assume it was mostly because of me…”

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“Well, you’re like… an heiress-princess type of girl. And I’m like a regular plain guy. You’re always put together and fancy, I’m lucky if my clothes match.”

I was stunned silent. This whole time, I was hurting over the idea that people were thinking what is HE doing with HER? Meanwhile, he just figured everyone wondered what is SHE doing with HIM? I was focused on the negative way people on the outside of my relationship saw me instead of how positively the person on the inside of my relationship saw me.

Does this mean, I’ll never be hurt by another snide remark? No. But I have a whole new perspective on what we’ve got going. Now that Robert and I are on the same page, he has the chance to be more sensitive, while I have a change to grow a thicker skin.

I’m so thankful to you guys for the comments you leave on this blog. A few of your stories are what encouraged me to get out of my own head and talk things through with Robert and I’m glad I did.

xoxo

Thursday night Robert and I were riding the train home after having drinks with his boss. We were tipsy, laughing and being silly. I had been doing the Gangnam Style dance all night and the song was in my head, so I found myself singing “heyyyy sexy lady!” and shaking my hips while holding onto him for balance on the train.

“They’re probably going to play that song at Geo’s wedding next weekend” Robert said, laughing at me.

“Ohhhh you’re right! You need to learn the dance before then so you can do it with me,” I said tapping his chest with my finger,

“I need to learn it, and you need to get better at it,” he said teasing me.

“Excuse me, I can Gangnam Style with the best of ‘em,” I kept dancing in front of him and before I knew it we were having a pretend-argument about just how well I could do the dance.

“Okay, okay!” I took a deep breath between giggles, “on a scale of one-to-ten, how well can I do the dance?”

“On a scale of one-to-ten?” Robert asked, I nodded. “On a scale of one-to-ten… you’re a nine!” he replied in an over the top sweet voice while he stroked my arm.

I pulled away dramatically, “you’re so ridiculous! If I were a nine you would not be suggesting I rehearse this dance…. never mind the fact that you don’t even know the dance!”

We went round and round like this for a few stops. Laughing and teasing and challenging each other about dancing together. I don’t know when she got on, but suddenly I noticed a (skinny) girl across from us listening to our conversation with a smile on her face. Every time Robert made a silly comment, I’d roll my eyes and catch hers to give her a look like “men, sheesh”.

Out of the blue, she walked over to me, “I’m sorry… I can’t take this anymore,” she said. “You are GORGEOUS! you’re a great dancer and don’t let him tell you differently! Don’t let him make you think you’re not a beautiful, gorgeous girl… he’s just a stupid guy… he doesn’t know anything! You are gorgeous, BELIEVE THAT!” then she squeezed my hand and got off of the train.

I stood there thoroughly confused.

As far as I was concerned, I was having a playful fight with the guy I’m seeing about a dumb dance that we might have to do at his friends wedding. But somehow she thought that I was an insecure girl who was being made to feel bad about herself by a guy.

The longer I date Robert, the more I am coming to terms with what people project onto our relationship when they look at us. Because I am a Plus Size Princess and he’s a normal size, tall, attractive dude I’m constantly navigating through the fact that some people don’t think we “match”, like the girl who was shocked when she saw his picture, or last month when Robert was buying my drinks all night and sitting right next to me, but a female asked if a girl three feet away from us was his girlfriend (as if I was just an invisible non-factor).

I think the lady on the train gave me that pep talk because she assumed that I didn’t think I was attractive and she assumed that I was desperate to be with Robert, so I was allowing him treat me badly. I can’t help but wonder if she saw Robert having that same playful argument with like… Kelly Rowland or some model, if she’d feel the need to make the same speech.

I’m just fascinated by what people see/project onto PSP’s with attractive boyfriends.

Thoughts??? Do any of you struggle with this?