Friday night Robert and I met up with Chris (Roberts brother) and Chris’ new girlfriend. Robert brings me to things with his brother often, so Chris and I get along really well. The four of us spent the evening laughing, drinking and dancing. Robert came over and leaned into my ear, so that I could hear him over the music, “Do you want another drink?” he asked. I nodded and before he pulled away, he lingered, letting his mouth brush against my neck.

Robert walked away, I stared at the ground for a minute and when I looked up, his brother was staring at me. Chris made his way over to me, and yelled over the music, “everyone wants to know what’s going on with you and my brother!”

“Um, who is ‘everyone’?” I yelled with a nervous giggle.

“Our friends, family… anyone who has ever seen the two of you together, has asked what is going on!”

If this were a commercial, I would just stuff a Twix in my mouth to keep from talking. I never imagined that I would be confronted about the relationship that Robert and I do/don’t have. Call me old fashioned, but I thought it was the mans job to define the relationship.

“Well, who are they asking?”

“They ask me, they ask Robert…”

“…and what does Robert say?”

“He says he ‘doesn’t know’!”

I bit my lip. I don’t know has been my refrain for longer than I’d like to admit. I don’t know why Robert muscled his way into my life… I don’t know why Robert can spend entire weekends with me… I don’t know why he cuts me off when I try to bring up other guys that ask me out… I don’t know why it feels so normal when his arm is casually draped around me… I don’t know why I’m on yet another unspoken double date….

“Well, if Robert ‘doesn’t know’… then, I don’t know either!”

When I told my sister what happened she mentioned that Robert saying “I don’t know” is better than him saying “Nothing, we’re just friends” but, I’m getting tired of the grey area. The way I see it there are two ways out of the grey.

1.) Start a relationship with Robert. 2.) Start a relationship with someone else.

Something I said in the last Curvy Conversation has been echoing in my head: I am always leery of “Placeholders”. Placeholders = Guys who make me feel like I have a boyfriend when I really don’t. When I have a Placeholder taking me to movies, dinners, being my +1 for events etc., he is filling the relationship voids in my life which feels good because… I don’t feel single! On the other hand, it makes it harder for me to open myself up to 100% committed relationships with other people.

Sadly, I’ve had more Placeholders in my life than I can count, and at first glance Robert seems like a classic Placeholder situation. The difference is that as much as I would love to take my relationship with Robert to the next level, I am 150% open to a relationship with someone else. I will do anything to get out of the grey!

I date… a lot. I cancel plans with Robert if a guy asks me out. I’ve been so desperate to get out of the grey area with Robert that I was willing to put up with things like long distance with Kevin or “baby mama drama” with Mike (heck, I even talked to a homeless man!) all for the chance of having a black and white dating situation.

I’ve been avoiding writing about Robert because I feel like everyone gets annoyed with me and as much as I try, I can’t seem to convey all of the dynamics (some his fault, some mine) that have us stuck in the grey. I wish it were as simple as “He’s just not that into you” or “He’s gay” or “He doesn’t like big girls” but its not.

Anyway, I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. My fight to get out of the grey area continues….

Here’s an update from Diane, who’s email to me sparked the Curvy Convo: “Friends With Benefits?”:

Hey CeCe,

I wanted to update you on my friends with benefits situation that I wrote to you about. I thought a lot about what you said and realized that I was closing myself off to other options because I already had this “placeholder” guy feeding both my physical and emotional needs.

However, the idea of stopping was unappealing and the more I thought about it the more I realized how we WERE in a relationship, just not a committed or public one. I wasn’t opening myself up to the possibility of other options because I didn’t want them. I wanted him. And you were right, when I talked to him about becoming a legitimate couple, he was more than happy to jump on board.

After nearly ten years of friendship, 3 months of friends with benefits, we are now embarking on day six of a relationship. I’m excited to see how things go!

Regardless of what anyone thinks of Friends with Benefits, I’m glad we started out that way. When we first started things, I wasn’t in a good place for a relationship with anyone…But I’m glad this particular case grew into something.

Thank you for your advice…It was really the catalyst I needed!

- Diane

Hello Diane,

Thank you for staying in touch with me… you just made my week! I’m proud of you for seeing what you wanted and going after it (I need to take notes from you on that!)

As PSP’s I think we know and understand each others struggles better than anyone else. I’m always grateful when people like you take time to give me advice via comments, tweets etc. and its always humbling to see an email from a Plus Size Princess asking me for my thoughts on things.

I look forward to more Curvy Conversations!

xoxo,
CeCe
nycece@gmail.com

Hello Lovelies,

I read every single comment that is left on TBGB (usually twice). You all are smart, funny, thoughtful, caring, protective of me… the list goes on! No matter what, you all aren’t afraid to hold back and some of your thoughts and opinions have literally changed my life.

Some of you have said that I’m a “friend in your head”, well… the feeling is totally mutual! I’ve come to know a lot of you through your comments on the blog. I really appreciate all of you, but I wanted to show some appreciation to a few readers who comment on almost every post!

I’ve got presents for four TBGB readers:

There is a new accessories store on Etsy called Sparklewing. They make really adorable rings and pendants with gorgeous glass beads. I like them because their pieces are one of a kind and the designer is plus size friendly! (I was able to get a size 10 ring for my middle finger with no problem).

Sparklewing has offered to make a ring for three readers and I’ve selected: “Punky“, “One Lusty Saggitarian” and “doll“.

(twitter.com/sparklewingshop)

Honey Clothing Company is a St. Louis based clothing line designed by Lisa Holmes. As a Plus Size Princess, Lisa believes that “every woman deserves a little honey” she decided to create a line that would be sweet enough for all of us to wear.

Honey Clothing Company has donated a super soft T-shirt from her line that I’d like to give to “Kemi“.

(twitter.com/HoneyclothingCo)

“Punky”, “One Lusty Sagitarian”, “doll” and “Kemi” Make sure you email me so I can get your gifts to you! nycece@gmail.com

There are more of you that I want to recognize, so hopefully we’ll be able to do this again soon. I just wanted to say, thanks for reading!

xoxo,
CeCe

P.S. There’s still time to win a $100 gift card SwimSuitsForAll… enter here!

A few weeks ago I was venting about the days between meeting a guy online and meeting them in person. For me, this is the worst part of dating. I have certain rules about this time period because I know that although I do my best not to have any expectations at all, I often find myself dumping my hopes for “Mr. Right” on a man I’ve never even met. Something that makes it even harder is when the guy I am due to meet does too much, too soon.

If a guy has never laid eyes on me, its probably best that he refrains from:

- Sending Good Morning/Good Night texts
- Emailing/Calling daily
- Calling me pet names like “gorgeous” or “beautiful”

(Of course, if we’ve met and are actually dating, these things are not a problem… as a matter of fact, they are encouraged!)

I can usually keep myself from getting excited when a guy does too much, too soon but with Mike Lowery I got caught up. I allowed the regular phone calls and emails to dominate the days before we met.

I would giggle when he called and said, “I just wanted to hear your voice…”. I found it adorable when he admitted that he, “spends 30 minutes drafting my emails to you because I have to proof read and spell check them,”. I even told my friends about when he dialed my number during our first date and left a voice mail from the table saying what a great time he was having with me.

I’m not saying that I thought Mike was The One or anything, but I didn’t anticipate things falling flat so soon after our first date. The most I’ve heard from Mr. Lowery was in the comments he left here on the blog two weeks ago. Maybe the “too much, too soon” behavior should have been a red flag.

Augh… am I becoming cynical?

Looks like “Curvy Conversations” could be a regular Friday thing… keep your emails coming, I love it!

Here’s today’s question:

Hey CeCe,

I was wondering how you feel about Friends with Benefits? I recently went through a rough breakup and ended up fooling around with a male friend. We agreed we only wanted to remain friends but have continued a physical relationship.

We’ve been doing this for a few months and have been keeping it from our friends (who are mostly mutual). I’m enjoying myself, but I worry that this perpetuates the stereotype of guys only wanting to see big girls in secret rather than publicly. I’m also slightly worried about one-sided feelings developing and the other not reciprocating.

What do you think? Do you think Friends with benefits ever really works?

- Diane

Hi Diane,

Friends With Benefits, wow, this is a tough one… but I’m going to give your question my best shot….

I am always leery of “Placeholders”. Placeholders = Guys who make me feel like I have a boyfriend when I really don’t.

When I have a Placeholder taking me to movies, dinners, being my +1 for events etc., he is filling the relationship voids in my life which feels good because… I don’t feel single! On the other hand, it makes it harder for me to open myself up to 100% committed relationships with other people. Placeholders can be anyone; a male best friend, a close gay friend… but when your Placeholder includes a physical relationship, (in my opinion) you’re playing with fire.

The part of your letter that stuck out to me was when you said, “I worry that this perpetuates the stereotype of guys only wanting to see big girls in secret rather than publicly. I’m also slightly worried about one-sided feelings developing and the other not reciprocating.”

As PSP’s we’re often put into the “friend zone” by guys that we actually have (or could have)feelings for. So when a long time friend turns into a friend with benefits, I’m sure its easy to wonder why he’s not asking for more. Yes, he could be respecting your recent breakup. And yes, you’ve told him you don’t want him to be your boyfriend. But I’m sure in the back of your mind you’ve wondered whats going on in his mind….

Honestly, I don’t think that he’s embarrassed to be with you. I would imagine that if you were open to dating him and telling your friends about it that he’d be more than happy to jump on board (having a long time friend express interest in me gives me hope for this type of happy ending)

But until you’re ready to explore a full blown dating situation I would caution you to really think about what an FWB relationship, especially with a close friend, means for you. As PSP’s– scratch that– as women in general, we have to be careful about the situations we put ourselves in. Our physical needs are always there, but the reality is that while men can do the “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” thing quite well… we’re just not wired that way!

When a woman is physical with a man her heart will get involved at some point.

xoxo,
CeCe
nycece@gmail.com

Side Note: I’ve got a $100 gift card to swimsuitsforall.com that I’m DYING to give away… have you entered? Click here to share your Stories From The Pool!

I’ve been spending lots of time in my new tankini that I purchased for my Miami vacation. As a Plus Size Princess, I get excited when companies realize that we crave fun, flattering apparel and when a company like Swimsuits For All decides to provide swimwear I can feel fabulous in, its truly a gift.


I feel like we all have at least one summer story from the pool, so TBGB has teamed up with SwimSuitsForAll to host a “Stories From The Pool” Contest! The winner will receive a $100 gift card to SwimSuitsForAll!


Maybe your story is funny, awkward or just plain embarrassing! Either way, I’m sure we can all relate, so… lets share!

Here’s mine:

Growing up in California, my parents put us in swim lessons every summer. I started out as a “minnow” then a “guppy” and by the time I was 10 years old I was a “shark” the highest level in the entire swim program. Most of the other sharks were older than I was but of course, I was bigger. By this time my boobies were filling out my training bra, my tummy was quite round and my chunky inner thighs were eternally pressed together.

But in the water none of that mattered, because although I was the chubby 10 year old in the class full of thin 11 and 12 year olds, I was still the best swimmer in the class. This was mostly due to the fact that I had a pool in my backyard, so I was always in the water practicing my advanced strokes between lessons.

As Sharks, we had our lessons every Wednesday at the deep end of the pool, usually in an area right by the ladder that we used to climb in and out of the water. One day our class was moved to the middle of the pool. We all jumped in and our lesson went as usual… until it came time to get out of the pool for our diving drills.

Because the ladder that we normally used to exit the pool was so far away, everyone planted their hands on the edge of the pool and pushed themselves up out of the water and onto the concrete. I too swam to the edge of the pool, planted my hands firmly on the concrete, but when I pushed up with my arms, I barely moved. One by one the other Sharks propelled themselves out of the water, and every time I tried to do it, I could not. My arms were too weak to support my heavy frame. Over and over, I tried to get out of the water and before I knew it my entire class was standing on the edge of the pool looking down at me, waiting for me to get out.

I could feel my heart racing. I wanted to slip under the water and hold my breath until they all left, but that was not an option. Finally, my instructor reached her hand down and offered to pull me up from above, but I had a horrifying vision of pulling her down into the water with me. “Its okay,” I said and I swam over to the ladder, climbed out and walked back to join the Sharks who had already started diving.

As my Mom drove us home, she listened quietly as I told her what happened, “everyone could get out of the pool except for me!” I whined burying my face in my hands. I assumed my Mother would provide sympathy but instead she provided a solution. “Why don’t you practice getting out of the pool with your arms at home?” she asked, “You’ll have a whole week to build your strength.” Using our pool to my advantage for my swimming strokes was one thing, but the idea of practicing exiting the pool like the other kids had never crossed my mind.

I spent the rest of the week splashing around with my sisters, and then taking time by myself to push up and out of our pool, first from the shallow end where I could use my legs and then when I felt strong I moved to the deep end. Every day, I would practice and when Wednesday came, I hoped I was ready.

Once again our class was moved to the middle of the pool, but this time when it was time to climb out, I had something to prove. I knew I would only have one shot, or else I would risk repeating the embarrassing scene from the week prior. I’d been doing well at home, but with all the other Sharks around, I felt nervous. I swam to the edge of the pool, pressed my palms against the pavement, propelled myself out of the water and this time instead of splashing back down into the water, I felt my body land on the hot cement.

I did it!

On the inside I wanted to do a little dance, or give someone a high five… but on the outside I pretended like it was no big deal.

Okay, now its your turn… what’s your “Story From The Pool”?


Here’s How you Enter:


1.) Follow TBGB with Google Friend Connect (on the right side of this page →)
2.) Leave a comment with your “Story From The Pool”
3.) Include a link to your favorite Swim Suit from http://www.swimsuitsforall.com/

A winner will be chosen in one week!

Its been a while since we’ve had a Curvy Conversation… this weeks letter is from “J”:

Hi CeCe-

I have to ask: why do you do online dating? What benefits do you get out of it versus being hooked up by friends or meeting men out in public? I’ve been going out more, to diverse places, and am striking out. Meeting people through loved ones and co-workers doesn’t seem like a go. Despite not wanting to go back to online dating, I feel like it may be my only other option at this point. So what are your thoughts on the pros and cons of online dating? How is it useful to you? What are some good options to choose from?

-J-

Hi J,

First of all I think its great that you’re getting out there, meeting new people etc. even if you feel like you’re “striking out” you’re way ahead of a lot of other single women!

One of the things I appreciate about Mike is that he takes charge. I get annoyed easily with guys who always say “I dunno, what do you want to do?” when we’re making plans. Getting a phone call from Mike letting me know what he had planned for us and where I could meet him was refreshing.

I agreed to meet him at Madame X, a lounge in the West Village that I had never been to before. When I got off the train, I had a very apologetic email from him saying that he was running late due to train issues, which was understandable because he was coming from Long Island. I continued on to our date spot and when I arrived, I was slightly taken aback. The first thing I saw was a large mural on the wall featuring a naked woman with large breasts and lots of um… hair. The drinks on the menu had names like “cherry pop” and “indecent proposal”. What kind of place is he taking me to? I thought to myself. I’m pretty conservative, so an overtly sexual place for a first date threw me off… maybe his selection speaks to the blog personality some of you have been leery of.

I found a couch near the front and waited for Mike to arrive. He sent me a text saying that he was in a cab and a few minutes later I saw a man in a suit rush into the bar. I knew immediately that it was Mike. He looked around the bar and I waved to get his attention. He made his way over, gave me a big hug and apologized again for being late.

I think online dates and blind dates can do a number on your insecurities. I’d kept my outfit simple: Jeans, a flowing racer back top (yes, I showed my arms on a first date!) a big chunky necklace and beaded sandals. Leaving my apartment I felt cute, but in those first few moments sitting in front of Mike for the first time… I felt aware of everything; Am I too big? Should I have worn my hair down? Am I too tall? Why didn’t I cover my arms?! But Mike quickly put me at ease. Within the first hour he’d complimented me on how I looked, and made random commentary about things like the color of my toenail polish (they were bright pink, pretty hard to miss). He kept asking me if I was going to run away, which made me realize that he too was in a bit of a self-conscious space.

Even if Mike took me to a sexually charged venue, his actions were very respectful. I actually felt comfortable with him and got to learn a lot about him. Because he reads my blog, I knew I would have to be 100% honest with him about everything from the beginning. When he asked if Robert was still around, I told him yes. Which was awkward, but he handled it well. “I’d love to meet him,” he said sarcastically.

I also decided to be upfront with him about anything I might write about him so that nothing he might read would come as a surprise. “Why would you bring me to a place with naked women painted everywhere?” I asked. He laughed and reminded me that he had warned me about the “art work” when he first suggested the venue. “I think in my head, I thought it was going to be more… tasteful” I said. We laughed, finished our drinks and then we decided to grab dinner. Mike was sweet, affectionate (held my hand, played with my hair etc.) and very complimentary of me. For a first date, I had no complaints.

Now here comes the hard part: I judge a guys interest on how much he keeps in touch after the first date. In the same way that I appreciated Mike’s take charge attitude when it came to planning our date, I’m looking to see how he takes charge with how we move forward.

When I got home, I had a message from Mike saying that he had a great time with me and that he wanted to see me again before he the weekend was over. Unfortunately, although we tried, that didn’t happen which is fine… I know that he was here to see family and that should be his priority. But, I guess I’m holding my breath to see if keeping in touch with me becomes a priority.

Time will tell….