I’ve been having an email conversation with a PSP about intimacy. I feel a lot more solid in my dating advice than my advice on physical stuff, so take a look at our conversation below and if you have advice/thoughts for her you can chime in. I don’t think “s*x” is a bad word, but I’m going to censor it so that this site doesn’t get flagged/blocked by your office networks. (Shout out to those of you reading at work!) We’ll start off with her first email to me:

CeCe, 

Before we jump into todays post, thanks to everyone who is a part of the #PSPfit bootcamp. We’ve got a few walk-in tickets for any girls who want to come workout with us and get the clean eating packet for the week. Join us, Get your $20 tix here.

Now for todays post:

My girl @FeministaJones is a great twitter personality who has a lot going for her, she used to be a lot bigger than she is so its fun to tweet with her about +size problems. Last night she got me all turned up when she called out subtle fat prejudice by tweeting this:

RT if you treat the hefty friends you have like maternal figures and have no fear going out with them

— FJ The Riveter(@FeministaJones) April 21, 2013

Hopefully you get her humor and see that she’s calling out the people who have Plus Size Princesses in their lives because we’re “safe” and make them feel good about themselves.

Yes, she said it and I echo the sentiment.

For many people, a Plus Size Princess is a safe friend. A PSP is the girl you go out with because it automatically makes you the hot chick. Is it something that’s done on purpose? I’m not sure. But ask any PSP who has lost a significant amount of weight, some of the relationships with their female friends did not survive once they slimmed down. Hmmmm.

My main fascination with this is how people refuse to acknowledge that Plus Size Princesses can have a romantic/sexual life. When I was auditioning for roles in theater, I was constantly cast as the “Mom”, the “Teacher”, the “Aunt”… even if I could sing the part of the girlfriend, my size made it impossible for casting directors to see me as an object of desire.

This type of thinking floods back into the real world and my relationships with my female friends. I am safe. It reminded me of something that happened a few years ago, so I tweeted the story to @FeministaJones:

A friend asked if her bf could stay w/ me in NYC… Alone. Thought it was odd then realized she didn’t see me as a threat @feministajones

— CeCe Olisa (@thebiggirlblog) April 21, 2013

Am I a trustworthy friend? Sure. Was I attracted to her boyfriend? Absolutely not. But think about it, if I had a Kim Kardashian body, do you think my girl would send her boyfriend to sleep over at my apartment for a few days without her? That request helped me see that for many women I’m very much a non-factor. “Lets see if you can stay with CeCe” is the same to them as “Lets see if you can stay with my Aunt Glenda”.

For many people I’m just this warm maternal figure who will take care of them and anyone around me (this happens to be true I’m a first-born and a Cancer) but to ignore that I’m also a sexual being capable of desire and being desired is to ignore my femininity and my womanhood.

@thebiggirlblog until he tries to slide on in..

— Sweet Sap Jane (@languishlita) April 21, 2013

…and there you have it. Thanks @languishlita for making it plain!

Thoughts? Chime in below!

I just got back from my first weekend trip with Robert. We went to Minnesota so I could sing in my friend’s wedding (Robert recorded it, you can watch me singing here).

Robert and I are complete opposites in every way. He is super laid back and can go with the flow, while I can get wound up over the littlest things. At some point during the weekend we stopped to get coffee and I was talking to him about something unrelated to him that wasn’t a huge deal. “I’m just venting,” I said “I know none of this matters to you…”

“If it matters to you, then it matters to me,” he said. Then he asked me some questions about what was bothering me and we talked it out.

I smiled between sips of coffee. With all of the Romantic Comedies I watch and the Boy Band music I (still) listen to, I have to remind myself to stop looking for grandiose gestures of affection all the time. Those things have their place, but relationships aren’t built on climbing up fire escapes with roses or love songs in five-part harmony.

Something as simple as Robert caring about dumb things because they’re important to me, shows me how far we’ve come, how comfortable I can be with him and how much he works to be a support system for me.

In love songs and RomCom’s, the guy says the right thing in the middle of the bustling city for all the world to hear. In real life the guy says the right thing at a coffee shop in Minnesota, you’re the only one who hears it… and its perfect.

“Look, Tigger!” my baby sister cried out as we made our way through Disneyland.

I was 15 and Denise, my middle sister was 11. Disneyland is fun no matter how old you are, but Nikki, our baby sister had just turned 4, so the park was super magical for her and she was running the show. When she spotted Tigger frolicking near the bushes, we immediately rushed over to take a picture with him and our parents followed with the camera. We huddled around him, I ended up on his left side while my sisters were on the right. Tigger put his arms around us as we posed. Just as my Dad began snapping photos, I heard a whistle from inside Tiggers costume.

You know, the “hey hot stuff” whistle… WhoooHoooooooo! I thought I was hearing things, but immediately after Tigger whistled, his furry paw began to gently rub the small of my back. Being a teen Plus Size Princess, I was very insecure about my body, so having someone touch me so intimately made me tense up. The fact that it was a stuffed animal? Well that made it even more awkward. I couldn’t believe it, looking back I should have said something. I should have let someone know that I was being sexually harassed by someone from The Hundred Acre Wood, I mean… we all know that Tigger is a little feisty, bouncing on that tail and carrying on, but this was too much.

When I was a voluptuous 16, our family was at a college basketball game, we had good seats so when the Mascot came out to hype of the crowd he was very close to us. I was on the end texting my latest crush when suddenly the furry mascot was beside me on one knee “acting shy”. I looked up, saw him and laughed, thinking it was a quick moment and part of his routine, but he kept going… he took my hand, kissed it and then nodded out to the crowd. He kissed my hand again and then reached up to touch my hair… I suddenly realized that the mascot was legit flirting with me, I think my parents realized it at the same time, because my Mom yelled at the mascot “She’s SIXTEEN!” The Mascot threw his hands in the air and scurried away.

Fast Forward three years, I’m 19 and at my first Halloween Parade in New York City. As we watched the crazy characters march down sixth avenue, there was a Care Bear, Tenderheart to be exact, skipping down the street. “Awww I LOVE Care Bears!” I said to my friend. Tenderheart must have heard me because he broke away from the crowd with his arms outstretched to hug us. As his arm went around me, his hand made a pit stop on my left boob, giving it a little squeeze. “Gross!!! get outta here, Tenderheart!” I yelled and he dashed away before I could knock his furry head off.”

From that moment, I’ve avoided people in Mascot costumes like the plague.

I was telling these and other crazy mascot stories to my bff Alex last night (Yes, I have more mascot stories, smh). Alex brought up a good point, “You know the guys inside those costumes, they do what they want because they’re anonymous…” he said.

What he said got me thinking… why am I such a target for people inside of mascot costumes?

I’m going out on a limb here, but I think it boils down to a few things:

Philosopher, Michael Foucault and feminist writers like Laura Mulvey talk about the “Power of the Gaze” it’s an interesting concept that I think all women should research. I’m no expert, but I’m going to do my best to explain it a bit: Think about when you catch someone looking at you, or staring at you… that moment when you quickly look away puts that person in a dominant position. Now what if you look or stare back at them… don’t you feel like you’ve regained a bit of control/power in the situation?

Lets take that to the next level when someone is staring at you and you don’t know it (i.e. a peeping tom) the fact that they can watch you but you can’t see/watch them back creates a skewed power dynamic that’s even more intense than if they were staring at you openly on the train or in the street. In my opinion, Mascots have that type of power. That anonymity that Alex mentioned gives them a space to act out towards women from a safe and powerful place.

Now lets add the element of me being a Plus Size Princess. We all know that there are a good amount of men who are attracted to big girls but don’t want to admit it. They keep their desire for a PSP under wraps for whatever reasons and if they do get involved with a PSP, they work hard to keep it a secret (late night visits, no actual dates, etc.) Do you see where I’m going with this?

I can’t help but wonder if I’ve had all these crazy run-ins with Mascots because I’m a Plus Size Princess. I mean, a Mascot costume is the perfect hiding place for a secret chubby chaser. Instead of sitting in a dark room with the laptop and a BBW images, they can get up close and personal with their secret desire while keeping their identity hidden. Tigger can rub his paws all over me, Tenderheart can give The Twins a squeeze and then they can take off the big head, go have drinks with their buddies and talk about how hot some skinny girl is.

But then again, maybe its just me. Maybe I just attract the toothless, the homeless and now… the mascots.

Have any of you ever had a weird experience with a Mascot?

P.S. Registration for the #PSPfit Clean Eating & Fitness Bootcamp closes in FOUR DAYS, don’t forget to sign up!

I was in church a few months ago and one of the eligible bachelors in the congregation brought his new girlfriend to service. This guy is shorter than me, probably like 5’8 and his girlfriend was probably 5’11 with body for DAYS. One of my female friends leaned over to me and said “Um, she looks like she would break him in HALF!”

Last week I read an article written by a woman who is dating someone with a disability. In it she mentioned that people regularly ask them how things work in the bedroom. This got me to thinking about “unconventional” relationships and how the first thing people do is imagine you having sex.

I broached that subject on twitter and got some interesting responses…

Cuz we’re human RT @thebiggirlblog: When we see “unconventional” couples, why do we immediately wonder about their sex lives?

— Moonwalk Jenkins (@MoonwalkJenkins) March 22, 2013

Yes, I agree it is human nature, I guess I just wonder why we do that. If we see a Barbie/Ken type couple do we wonder how they do it? or make comments about how Barbie must really put it down on Ken in the bedroom? No. But when we see couples that aren’t cookie cutter, we immediately analyze their intimacy… hmmmm.

I think my first question is why do we decide which couples “match” based on looks?

Being a Plus Size Princess who dates attractive men, I walk around knowing that people wonder how I end up with such “catches”. I even had a man drunkenly tell me that I was a “very lucky girl”, to be with Robert. I just looked at him and said, “and Robert is a VERY lucky guy…”. When I dated bean-pole skinny dudes, I’d get comments about how I probably hurt them in bed, or that I probably wear the pants in the relationship and that was frustrating. People are constantly projecting their own prejudices onto relationships that they’re not a part of.

We all walk around with this measurement of who can date whom and a good portion of it is based on looks. I say we, because we’ve all done it from time to time, myself included– but if we start thinking about why we decide certain couples “match” and others don’t maybe we’ll realize how silly our rules actually are and let people date/be attracted to whoever they want without criticism.

I’m guilty of saying that, but to each his own. RT @thebiggirlblog: “Can you believe HE is with HER?” (yes, actually I can!)

— Lovely Sunshine(@egyptsgoddess1) March 22, 2013

What we don’t realize is all those snide remarks, rude comments and jokes can make a girl think she doesn’t deserve to be with the guy who is showing interest. It also makes it hard for the guy who might be attracted to girls who don’t look like Barbie/Beyonce, to actually go after the types of girls they like. We make it hard for the tall girl to date a short guy, we make it hard for the hot guy to date big girls and we make hard for the big girl to date… well anyone!

Also, do you even notice that the rules we set up contradict themselves? If a Plus Size Princess dates a hot guy, everyone has something to say about it, but if a PSP dates a Plus Size Prince, people STILL have something to say about it…

@thebiggirlblogor if it’s 2 big people, others always question how they accomplish having sex. -_- lol

— Mean Queen Okerlund (@TheKillerQueen) March 22, 2013

Like I said on twitter, when Beyonce first hooked up with Jay-Z everyone had jokes, but years later its clear they have something. Of course we’re always more forgiving of an attractive woman dating a man she doesn’t “match” with, but when a man decides to date a woman he doesn’t “match” with we tear that woman to shreds… but that’s another blog post for another day.

When I look around at the successful couples in my life, they’re all unconventional or don’t “match” by society’s standards in some way. Some are interracial, some have extreme age differences, some are different sizes, some are same-sex… but they all pushed past who society said they should be with and found who makes them happy– and isn’t that the most important thing?

Don’t let your friends or strangers on the street make you feel like you can’t date who you want to. If you’re a hot guy and you like someone who isn’t the Barbie/Beyonce type, date her confidently! If you’re a Plus Size Princess and a hot guy is checking for you, go for it… you “deserve” him just as much as the next girl (see Superficial Fat Chicks & Other Myths if you need more of a pep talk).

At then end of the day, I’d rather spend time looking for my “perfect match” than someone I “match” with.

P.S. #PSPfit Bootcamp registration is coming up! Be the first to find out when the list opens up by registering here

I got an interesting comment on a post a few months ago and I’d love to discuss it with you guys. As part of a longer comment, the person said:

A lot of the problems CeCe has in dating stem from the fact that she is overweight, thus having less options/men who find her attractive, then choosing the few she is attracted back to. I see thin girls get over heart breaks faster because they have guys lining up to be with them around the corner.

(Side Note: for those of you who were confused, the “I Gave Him My Number” series that I wrote about Brian happened a long time ago. I am still happily dating Robert.)

When I first read that comment, her words really bothered me. I was thinking “hello? I’ve been dating Robert a minute now… what ‘problems’ is she talking about?” but then I had to remind myself that even though her comment isn’t applicable to me right now, there was a time when it was. I wasn’t always fully content in my dating life as a Plus Size Princess. Here are some of the issues I’ve had in dating as a PSP:

Quality vs. Quantity – I have plenty of men approaching me, but how many of them are viable options? I wrote a very difficult post once called “Are The Men I Attract, a Reflection of… Me?” where I explored that question with a few other dating bloggers. You see, there’s a nasty rumor out there that big girls are desperate and will take anything that comes their way– that. is. not. true. But, because this rumor will not die, a Plus Size Princess becomes a magnet for the toothless, the homeless, the jobless and the crazies.

I’M Just Not That Into YOU – Mutual attraction is difficult to find at any size, but if your particular look isn’t what the majority is going for, it might feel like you’re attracted to others more often than you’re found attractive. Again, Plus Size Princesses do not just “take what they can get”, nor should we. So, when a guy comes along that is interested, there’s still a chance we wont feel a spark. That happens to all women, but as a PSP there’s sometimes that unspoken maybe you shouldn’t be so picky? from the people around us. I’ve even had a friend exclaim “he likes you! do something!” I didn’t like him, so I didn’t do anything. When it comes to mutual attraction, I struggle between complaining that I’m not my types type and making sure what I’m looking for is appropriate. I get it, if the number of men I attract increases then the chances of finding mutual attraction and ultimately a romantic match greatly improves. This one is just law of averages.

Dry Spells – According to my commenter, skinny girls get over breakups faster because they have men lining up around the corner to date them. (I know of PSPs with men lining up to date them too, but that’s beside the point). I think there is so much beauty in being single, but we’re so fixated on having boyfriends that we miss it. I may not date back-to-back like my skinny friends, but when it comes to self-evolution, I have time to learn and grow and I take full advantage of that time– this website is an example of that. So, I think being a Plus Size Princess with the issues listed above creates time for character development which comes in handy when it comes to dating. Knowing who you are helps you know what you want!

In NYC it often takes longer for people to settle down and I think it’s because there are just so many options and people like to have an eye out for the next-best-thing that may come around the corner. In smaller cities, people have less to choose from, find who they really connect with and explore that relationship to the fullest. (This might be why we have wedding invites from two of my girlfriends who moved to the mid-west!) This is when the Quality vs. Quantity problem turns into something useful. If 10 guys approach me, 4 of them have no teeth, 3 are homeless and the last 3 are guys that I could see myself with, I can focus on those three men without looking out my window and seeing 50 more guys I might want to talk to.

Did we ever consider that having droves of men at our disposal might make it harder to find our “One”?

Most of what my commenter said is true, but I just need to make sure we look at those types of thoughts through a different lens. When I dated guys like Kevin and Adrian I really liked being with them and it didn’t matter how many guys I had mutual attraction with before them. Now I’m dating Robert (who I met at my heaviest weight) and things are moving along with him. He supports me in anything I want to do, from singing to losing weight and I wouldn’t trade that for a line of guys down the street.

I used to think that being a Plus Size Princess was a dating curse, but now I wonder if it can be a blessing in disguise… thoughts???

A few months after Brian’s girlfriend called me and I ended things, I ran into him in the 72nd street train station near the store where we met. He kind of cornered me as I got onto the 2 train. Our conversation was a lot of pleading from him and eye rolling from me, but here are some interesting tidbits. Brian told his girlfriend that my number “actually belonged to the girlfriend of one of his male coworkers and the male coworker had been calling/texting from his girlfriends phone because his phone had died” that’s why a girls number was in his phone. *blank stare* but get this… she accepted his story and they stayed together! Even though our texts were very flirtatious and we were on the phone for hours at a ti– you know what nevermind. If she accepted his dumb lie, there’s no need for me to dissect how silly it all is.

Brian leaned in close and whispered, “I’m sorry that she called you. She’s crazy, you know?”

I pulled back, “She’s not crazy, she’s right. She thought you were cheating and you were. How does that make her crazy?” I waited a good minute for him to give an answer, which he couldn’t.

Have you ever noticed that lots of men have a “crazy girlfriend” or a “crazy ex”? Women are easily written off as crazy and everyone just accepts it, but our “crazy” doesn’t just come out of nowhere. If we were possessive/snooping/didn’t trust from the beginning, guys wouldn’t enter relationships with us.

My philosophy is that I refuse to let a man drive me crazy, what’s the point in having a boyfriend that I don’t trust? That’s no fun. Being the crazy girlfriend is time consuming and that snooping/distrustful behavior often makes men break up with us, which is so annoying when they’re the reason we got to that level of cuckoo in the first place.

*sigh* Here’s a few things for us to think about:

1.) Womans intuition is a real thing… like very real. But because intuition is intangible, nuanced and basically impossible to pin down, people who don’t have it (*ahem* men) will convince women that our intuition is just us being “crazy”, that we’re just paranoid. But, the truth is we can feel/pick up on things and there’s nothing wrong with that. Brian’s girlfriends intuition told her something was up, she listened to it, found information that validated it and then let her boyfriend convince her that she was wrong.

2.) Is having a boyfriend worth your sanity/peace of mind? I would not do well with a boyfriend that always had me “wondering”. I’m just not wired to get over something like inappropriate contact with other girls, I’m the type that believes that emotional affairs are just as bad as physical ones and I don’t really believe in meaningless intimacy. So, that said– if my boyfriend jeopardized our trust, there’s no coming back from that for me. No matter how much I love him, my sanity is worth too much to me and wondering what he’s doing, who he’s with, etc. would put me on an express train to crazytown. If you find yourself checking phones, feeling uneasy about other women and doing other “crazy” things, ask yourself if its worth it. Ask yourself if this is the type of girlfriend you want to be. The answer just might liberate you from the drama.

3.) If you meet a guy who says he has a “crazy ex” don’t just nod and accept that statement. Guys make that statement to exonerate themselves and also to make you think twice before listening to your own intuition. Cause if you do, they’ll hit you with the “you’re acting like my ex!” line and make you feel bad (but maybe they’re treating you like they treated their ex *shrugs*). Ask questions: What did she do that was crazy? What made her do that? Was she always like that? You might learn a lot about his past behaviors and avoid dating someone who can’t be a good boyfriend. I always like to remind men that THEY are the variable that made a girl suddenly nuts.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this one… Any of you dated someone with a crazy ex? Any of you BECOME the crazy girlfriend or ex? Chime in below!

My phone chimed with a text message…

-I want to see you

It was Brian, the 6’4, chocolate-brown hottie I had given my number to in a random moment of super self-confidence.

It had been a week since our steamy first date, and we’d been talking on the phone and texting every day. I knew I had to be careful with Brian because our attraction was so intense. The chemistry we had in just our eye contact was enough to pull me out of my comfort zone and make me give him my number. The chemistry we had on the dance floor was enough to make me break my rules about first date kissing. I knew it was a slippery slope with him because I wanted him physically but I was looking for something more than just mutual attraction. I was ready for a relationship and I needed to make sure I got to know more about Brian before things went any further. I sent him a text back

-I’m free tonight, where do you want to go?

(Side Note: When I text a guy “what do you want to do?” 99% of the time it sends their mind straight to the gutter and I get a sexual response, but asking “where do you want to go?” lets them know that I’m looking for a get to know you/dating situation). He texted back:

-Lets go to the movies

-Cool, when do you want to pick me up?

-How about we just meet at the theater. 9pm?

I frowned a bit at him not wanting to pick me up properly, especially since he’d be passing my apartment in order to get to the theater downtown. But I brushed off my annoyance and agreed to meet him at 9pm.

Around 7:30, as I was getting out of the shower, I got a phone call, but it was “Private”. Normally I ignore blocked numbers but every once in a while curiosity gets the best of me,

“Hello?”

“Yeah, who’s number is this?” a woman’s voice answered.

“Excuse me?”

“Who’s number have I reached? What’s your name?” she pressed.

“You called my phone, so maybe you should let me know who you are…” I said slowly.

There was a pause.

“Do you know someone named Brian?” the voice said.

My heart dropped.

“No, sorry… I don’t,” I sighed.

“Are you sure?” she said, I could hear the exasperation in her voice. “I’m his girlfriend and I found this number in his phone.”

“I don’t know him,” I said. Which was the truth… two weeks of talking on the phone, a date and a make-out session clearly doesn’t mean you know a person.

There was no way I was going to act out some Brandy and Monica “The Boy is Mine” drama with this girl over Brian. She could have him. I hung up the phone, threw on my fuzzy robe, poured a glass of wine and curled up on my couch.

At 9:15 Brian started calling to see where I was, I ignored his calls. At 9:30, he sent a text.

-Hey gorgeous, are you close?

-Your girlfriend called me, good luck with that.