Hello CeCe,

I’m having a really hard time of letting go of what should stay in the past. Ok let me fill you in, I met my Ex boyfriend from an online dating site at the end of 2006. This was my first real relationship, I believe due to the fact im a PSP. So to make a long story short we fell in love and spent the next almost 4 years together. 2 and a half years into to the relationship that’s when things started going down hill due to the fact I felt as though he was ashamed of me because of my weight. Some of the reasoning behind my feelings was that the only people I’ve met was one of his sisters and one friends. I mean it took me two whole years to realize this because he explained he wasn’t really that close to his family. By the time i finally met his mother and siblings it was “too little too late ” type of feeling I had going on so I felt my heart grow cold.

So with me feeling cold-hearted there was a disconnect in our relationship, I believe that’s the reason why he started turning to other women, like texting, calling and whatever else. I really don’t know if he have ever physically cheated and to this day he claims he never has. He even went as far as reaching out to his Ex girlfriend that he was with right before me.

Even after feeling the way I felt we still stayed together up until June 2011. It seems like as soon as I broke up with him he went back to his Ex like I thought he would, but he swears up and down that he haven’t been in touch with her for the last year or so. So it been close to a year and a half and we’re still in touch and he claims that he wants to be with me but I have my sources and I know he’s still going back a forth with his Ex.

CeCe I know you’re thinking like “didn’t you not want to be with him in the first place” yes I know but I still want him to be in my life even if it’s being just friends but he definitely wants more, But I think he wants his Ex too, so its apparent I don’t trust him at all, so I don’t know why I feel we can remain in each others lives. I even tried to sit down and ask him where does he place her in his life and if he ever loved her or love her now and he continues to say he never loved her and that I was his First love and so forth. So I say all this to ask you should I just let him go and if so what are the steps I can take to get him out of my system all over again? I know that this is all over the place but he is a good dude and he explained he never meant to do what he did and he was younger and now he knows what he wants. But the thing is I’m not quite sure of what I want yet. I just know I want honesty…

Sincerely,

Evans Ex

Hey Evans Ex,

Thanks for reaching out! Sounds like you’ve got a lot going on. Hopefully, I can pull together some answers for you based on what you wrote here.

In general, this seems to be a drama filled situation, so I’d like to address that first. This dude always likes to have a girl (or two) waiting in the wings in case things with his current girlfriend go badly. He was unhappy with you, so he cheated instead of just breaking up with you- that seems like a cowardly move to me. This pattern has been done to you and with you, so we know its not a one time thing.

I think drama-filled relationships often keep us from finding people we’re more compatible with. While you’re spending time worrying about a guy who seeks the attention of other women, runs back to his ex as soon as he can and (in my opinion) plays head games… there’s a stand-up dude out there that you haven’t met yet. You to are not married, tell the kid to kick rocks and move forward with your life. I guess if it were that simple, you wouldn’t be writing to me though, so lets dig a little deeper, shall we?

You found the confidence to let him go… why entertain him again once he’s shown his true colors? I think the answer lies in your letter.

You mentioned that being a PSP (Plus Size Princess) was the root of two issues 1.) Not having a boyfriend in the past 2.) Him not introducing you to his family. I think those thoughts are pretty normal, I know I have similar thoughts… but I’m wondering if they’re breeding insecurities for you that go even further than that… are you nervous that you might not find someone else who will accept you at your size? Does the comfort level you have with your ex make it seem easier to deal with his nonsense than to find someone new? …just things to think about.

Now to the questions you asked at the end of your email “So I say all this to ask you should I just let him go and if so what are the steps I can take to get him out of my system all over again?”

Yes, you should just let him go.

The main step to get him out of your system is to accept that you cannot be “just friends” with him. Point blank, period. I know it sounds harsh and it will be hard to let go of him, but if you start to evaluate the questions I posed earlier hopefully you can start to figure out the real reasons you’re holding onto this relationship that as you said in the first line of your email “should stay in the past”.

I’m sure he’s a good guy, but I’m sure you can find an even better guy.

xoxo,

CeCe

CeCe@thebiggirlblog.com

Anyone else have advice for Evans Ex?

I came across an old picture this weekend. The photo was taken when Robert and I were just starting to talk at work events (for those of you are new to TBGB, Robert and I met at work and had a slow progression from coworkers, to friends, to dating which you can scroll through here). Anyway, looking at the photo I’m sitting on a barstool and holding my purse in my lap.

If anyone had seen me in the bar that night, they would have assumed that I was just making sure my purse wasn’t stolen, but I know the truth. I was using one of my Plus Size Princess diversion techniques… holding my purse in my lap, to hide my stomach. Thinking back, if I’m feeling self conscious about my body especially around a guy I will grab something and hold it in front of me… a purse, a pillow, a coat… I’ll even sit side-saddle on a bar stool, putting the back of the bar stool between me and the rest of the bar because it makes me feel more comfortable.

Even though in the moment, I feel like these body covering moves help… they really don’t. A pillow in front of my stomach makes me feel better but it doesn’t make me any smaller and if you saw the photo of me clutching my purse for dear life, you’d see how little it was really covering my trouble spots.

I have to remind myself that when I do crazy things to “cover” myself, I often end up calling more attention to myself. If I wear a big t-shirt in the pool, its way more obvious than if I just wear a bathing suit and keep it moving. If I wear a shrug to cover my arms, it takes away from my sleeveless dresses and tells the world, “I hate my arms! See! I’m covering them up!!”. Like the time I decided to just get naked at the gym, when I remember that its impossible to hide my fat… life becomes more simple.

Thankfully, I’ve become more comfortable with Robert and I can sit around him with nothing in my lap to cover me, but I wonder if those habits would come back if I were to start dating someone new. Hopefully not!

Do you do weird things to cover/hide your body in different situations?

Sometimes I forget that I’ve never dated anyone as long as I’ve dated Robert. Going on a few dates with lots of guys has given me a many experiences (both good and bad) but there’s a lot of new territory that comes with dating the same person for an extended period of time and that’s what I’m navigating these days.

One of Robert’s old coworkers got married recently and he invited me to go with him. Instead of buying a whole new outfit, I wore one of my favorite dresses from LucieLu (I reviewed it a while back here), I purchased some beige heels from Avenue on sale and beige hair accessories from Old Navy, I think I spent like $25 total:

Anyway, It wasn’t until halfway through the night that I realized I’d never been invited to a wedding as someone’s date before. It was kind of a big deal for me. It made me feel… like a “grown up” a little bit! It also became a little bit of a milestone, relationship-wise… it made me feel like Robert and I are in a good place.

As I’ve mentioned before, because Robert and I are in the “slow and steady” lane, its easy for me to look at other relationships zipping by and get ansy. But at the wedding I made sure to just enjoy where he and I are, there were a lot of older couples at our table who had the stresses of life/kids/babysitters/putting gas in the car on their shoulders. Robert and I spent the night laughing, dancing and enjoying each other. Going to the wedding with him was a reminder to just rock out with what we’ve got going and keep looking out for new “firsts”.

Even though I have an entire blog dedicated to my life as a Plus Size Princess, it’s very hard for me to discuss my weight and weight related issues “in real life”. As Robert and I continue to navigate our relationship, I’m realizing more and more that I have to let him in on what I go through as a PSP even though its difficult. I make vague comments to him that are rooted in my insecurities and while I know what I’m talking about, Robert doesn’t and he just thinks I’m being weird.

I read every single comment you guys post on TBGB and the comments on last week’s post made me realize that I have to clue Robert in on the way I feel people, specifically women, react to us as a couple from time to time. When male strangers make comments to us it’s usually a straightforward compliment about me; “lucky guy”, “take care of that one”, “look, its Beyoncé!” etc. When female strangers have opinions, it’s always so subtle and nuanced that explaining it almost makes me feel crazy, even though I know what’s happening.

So the other night on the phone, I put it all on the table with Robert. I talked about the woman on the train, the girl who assumed he was dating someone else even though he was buying my drinks and a few other incidents that I was sensitive about. I can’t remember everything I said, but it went something like this:

“… for whatever reason, people don’t always think we ‘match’ and so they do things that make me uncomfortable. I also think they assume I’m desperate to be with you, even though we both know we could be with other people if we wanted to…” I was stammering to get my point across, but I kept going. “… based on what people have said and done I know they think that I’m WAY more vested in our relationship than you are. So, that makes it hard for me to stand up for what we have… because, if I’m constantly letting people know that we’re together while you sit back quietly, I feel like I’m just feeding into a ‘thirsty big girl trying to keep her man’ image.”

“CeCe, you know I don’t care what people think. I know what it is between us, so those things don’t matter to me,” Robert said.

“I know…”

“But, some of the things you’ve brought up I had no idea were happening… now that I know what bothers you, I’ll probably be more aware of when it happens than you are!”

I smiled into the phone.

“I guess,” Robert continued “I don’t pick up on things like that because it’s not the way I see things. I mean, if people think we don’t ‘match’ I would assume it was mostly because of me…”

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“Well, you’re like… an heiress-princess type of girl. And I’m like a regular plain guy. You’re always put together and fancy, I’m lucky if my clothes match.”

I was stunned silent. This whole time, I was hurting over the idea that people were thinking what is HE doing with HER? Meanwhile, he just figured everyone wondered what is SHE doing with HIM? I was focused on the negative way people on the outside of my relationship saw me instead of how positively the person on the inside of my relationship saw me.

Does this mean, I’ll never be hurt by another snide remark? No. But I have a whole new perspective on what we’ve got going. Now that Robert and I are on the same page, he has the chance to be more sensitive, while I have a change to grow a thicker skin.

I’m so thankful to you guys for the comments you leave on this blog. A few of your stories are what encouraged me to get out of my own head and talk things through with Robert and I’m glad I did.

xoxo

Thursday night Robert and I were riding the train home after having drinks with his boss. We were tipsy, laughing and being silly. I had been doing the Gangnam Style dance all night and the song was in my head, so I found myself singing “heyyyy sexy lady!” and shaking my hips while holding onto him for balance on the train.

“They’re probably going to play that song at Geo’s wedding next weekend” Robert said, laughing at me.

“Ohhhh you’re right! You need to learn the dance before then so you can do it with me,” I said tapping his chest with my finger,

“I need to learn it, and you need to get better at it,” he said teasing me.

“Excuse me, I can Gangnam Style with the best of ‘em,” I kept dancing in front of him and before I knew it we were having a pretend-argument about just how well I could do the dance.

“Okay, okay!” I took a deep breath between giggles, “on a scale of one-to-ten, how well can I do the dance?”

“On a scale of one-to-ten?” Robert asked, I nodded. “On a scale of one-to-ten… you’re a nine!” he replied in an over the top sweet voice while he stroked my arm.

I pulled away dramatically, “you’re so ridiculous! If I were a nine you would not be suggesting I rehearse this dance…. never mind the fact that you don’t even know the dance!”

We went round and round like this for a few stops. Laughing and teasing and challenging each other about dancing together. I don’t know when she got on, but suddenly I noticed a (skinny) girl across from us listening to our conversation with a smile on her face. Every time Robert made a silly comment, I’d roll my eyes and catch hers to give her a look like “men, sheesh”.

Out of the blue, she walked over to me, “I’m sorry… I can’t take this anymore,” she said. “You are GORGEOUS! you’re a great dancer and don’t let him tell you differently! Don’t let him make you think you’re not a beautiful, gorgeous girl… he’s just a stupid guy… he doesn’t know anything! You are gorgeous, BELIEVE THAT!” then she squeezed my hand and got off of the train.

I stood there thoroughly confused.

As far as I was concerned, I was having a playful fight with the guy I’m seeing about a dumb dance that we might have to do at his friends wedding. But somehow she thought that I was an insecure girl who was being made to feel bad about herself by a guy.

The longer I date Robert, the more I am coming to terms with what people project onto our relationship when they look at us. Because I am a Plus Size Princess and he’s a normal size, tall, attractive dude I’m constantly navigating through the fact that some people don’t think we “match”, like the girl who was shocked when she saw his picture, or last month when Robert was buying my drinks all night and sitting right next to me, but a female asked if a girl three feet away from us was his girlfriend (as if I was just an invisible non-factor).

I think the lady on the train gave me that pep talk because she assumed that I didn’t think I was attractive and she assumed that I was desperate to be with Robert, so I was allowing him treat me badly. I can’t help but wonder if she saw Robert having that same playful argument with like… Kelly Rowland or some model, if she’d feel the need to make the same speech.

I’m just fascinated by what people see/project onto PSP’s with attractive boyfriends.

Thoughts??? Do any of you struggle with this?

I have about five contacts in my phone under the name “DO NOT ANSWER!”. These are five guys who I dated in the past and even though our relationship is finished, they won’t take a hint. I refuse to change my phone number, even though I wish they couldn’t contact me directly anymore.

In today’s world, giving someone your cell phone number offers them access to you in ways that you might regret later. Is every guy you meet crazy? No. But sometimes its nice to have a contact buffer between you and the men approaching you until you’re 100% comfortable with them. If you want to maintain privacy, while looking for love, MyAKA might be the answer to your problems. MyAKA is a service that provides a second phone number in your area code that links directly to your current mobile phone.

MyAKA offers some pretty awesome features:

• Real number protection on incoming and outgoing calls unlike forwarding services.
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MyAKA makes it easy and TBGB readers can to sign up a 7 Day FREE Trial. What’s the catch? None. With this special offer for my readers you can enjoy seven worry-free days of flirting with MyAKA, without even entering your credit card. When you decide to keep the service, you can upgrade your number in two easy steps at the MyAKA site. I’m a huge fan of dating, but I’m a bigger fan of dating safely. Signup today for a fun second mobile number with no-strings-attached.

Last week a reader wrote in asking about my experiences with interracial dating. I’m chopping this up into three pieces and Part Two is the private aspect of interracial dating.

Race isn’t a big deal to me, if I am attracted to a guy, I’ll give him a chance. At the same time I also try not to be ignorant to the fact that race a big deal to other people. As I mentioned in Interracial Dating (Part One) my experience is that you both have to be each others advocates and protectors. You have to advocate and protect each other and yourselves as a couple because outside opinions from the public will come out and it wont always be pretty.

For me, the private work that makes interracial relationships work is constantly having conversations about things the other person will never 100% understand.

Lets take things out of the context of race for a second: Can you imagine trying to sit down and explain to your boyfriend what its like to be a woman? I mean, we’re raised and conditioned based on our gender, so its second nature to us, right? We just accept the ups and downs that life throws to a woman and we navigate accordingly, but could we actually articulate to a man exactly what its like? Sure, we could offer a few stories and share our feelings with men, but I don’t think a man would walk away truly “getting it”. (and we sure can’t understand what it like being a guy which we spend so much time and money on books trying to understand the opposite sex!)

A big part of advocating for each other comes from learning and communicating about what its like to be who you are. Obviously this is easier said than done. From privilege to prejudice, race has an undeniable effect on our lives. The more we work to understand even a tiny bit of what our partner experiences, the easier it is to be that public champion for each other when things get awkward (or downright rude) as I mentioned last week. These types of conversations can be intense, but they can also be beautiful and build intimacy. Again, this is one of the reasons that I feel like interracial couples have a chance to build a really strong connection. But these types of discussions aren’t limited to interracial relationships.

Right now, I’d say I’m dating inter-culturally because I am Nigerian and Robert is Jamaican. Yes, we’re both black and in many ways were brought up the same way, but… in some ways our backgrounds are very different. There are things about Jamaican culture that I don’t sit well with me and as Robert and I move forward conversations are required. Do we get it right in one sitting? No. But we talk about it and work to gain understanding.

In the end, diversity in your love life can be an awesome thing as long as you communicate and don’t shy away from hard conversations… you just might learn something.

How do YOU deal with diverse relationships (race, ethnicity, religion, etc)? Are there any specific questions/conversations that help you gain understanding?

P.S. My next FREE event is coming up on 10/27 “Cardio & Curvy Conversations” is going to be a great time, with my favorite trainer from New York Sports Club. Register here!

In a recent interview, David Karp, CEO of Tumblr stated that he believed that this creativity was New York’s best asset and the number of tech start-ups in the city certainly gives credence to this statement. Karp added that about 50 of Tumblr’s staff have specifically moved to ‘The Big Apple’ due to the opportunities that the city offers.

New York can offer the young entrepreneur a whole range of networking associations and opportunities. The NY Entrepreneurs Business Network (NYEBN) is a rapidly expanding network that operates throughout the tri-state area. The association currently has 12,000 members and that membership is constantly growing, these types of organizations give like-minded individuals the opportunity to network and socialize and the November NY Business Expo is just one example of the numerous B2B opportunities that are available to young entrepreneurs to both showcase their products and learn from successful mentors. The Expo’s organizers state that 70% of those attending will be from New York itself. This type of show doesn’t just focus on the IT sector; media, retail and even not-for profit startups will all be attending the Armory Exhibition.

Many of those who are gifted in the fields of creativity and IT aren’t necessarily linked into the financial community. New York offers opportunities for entrepreneurs to connect with venture capitalists, bankers and fund managers. Figures published by Reuters in Spring 2012 show that funds raised for business by venture capital funds reached $4.9 billion for this period. Those businesses that want to concentrate on their product development and networking opportunities will also find that using the services of an umbrella company can take away the drudgery of form filling and accounts and allow them to get on and develop their companies.

For a city that specializes in superlatives, New York can add another title to its impressive list, the city can be called ‘the heart of the creative world’.