“Raj, you’ve got to meet this girl, she’s awesome!” a hipster guy yelled to his friend as he draped his arm over my shoulder.

Once I realized that bar banter is mostly about carrying on silly/clever conversations, I was good to go. Especially since I wasn’t really trying to meet anyone at the party. But somehow my silly/clever convo’s with different guys would turn into actual conversations.

In between chatting it up with Jess and whatever guy came our way, Robert and I were carrying on a conversation via text. At one point my feet got tired, so I curled up in a corner with my phone. “Where’s CeCe?!” an Asian guy who I’d had some brief “bar banter” with asked Jess. When she pointed me out on the couches, he rushed over and plopped down next to me. “There you are!” he said. “Get off your phone and join the party…”

This was weird.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so popular with men at a party before. Over the course of the night, I felt like there was a constant flow of guys, and I wasn’t the only one who noticed. At one point, even Jess leaned over and whispered “are you still dating Robert? ‘Cause you’re reeling them in tonight!”

It was the kind of night that I would have longed for, when I was “looking”. It was the kind of night I’d imagined would happen all the time if I had lost a substantial amount of weight. I’ve lost weight, but not enough to where it would affect my dating life. So what made me such a guy magnet? I was still thinking about it on the subway ride home and then I remembered something an old friend said to me when we used to attend the BBW parties. I had been complaining about how I wasn’t really meeting anyone and she said,

“CeCe, I don’t want this to sound harsh but… you should try to relax when we’re out. You always look like you’re taking the night super seriously and it makes you seem- thirsty. Guys can see thirstiness from a mile away, so they avoid you. They’re not trying to get engaged or anything- they just want to dance, have fun and see where the night goes. Just try to have a good time and things will happen.”

She was right. I think I always had “could this be it?” in the back of my mind when I met guys so, it seemed like I was on the prowl (which I guess I was). I just wanted to be in a serious relationship, so that “thirstiness” was hard to shake. I always tried to heed her advice, but I knew I wasn’t doing a good job. I was looking for something more serious, but I was projecting that desire and it was too much for a bar/club setting. I was scaring guys off.

Now that I’m dating Robert, I truly couldn’t care less about the guys that I meet. When I talk to them, I’m not “thirsty” or “pressed” to make a love connection and I think that might make guys want to talk to me more. Even thinking back to when I met Robert: He always talks about how he thought I was a snob at first. I think because we met at work, I didn’t have my “could this be it?” feelers up. I was relaxed, focused on work (almost aloof, even) and somehow that lack of thirstiness translated into him making a point to get to know me better.

It’s quite a paradox, that having a guy in my life makes me more at ease with other men and then more desirable to them. You know how the guys you’re 100% UNINTERESTED in are the ones who pursue you the hardest? Maybe its because those are the guys who never see our “thirsty side”.

If I ever find myself “looking” again (hopefully, I wont ), I’m really going to try to keep my thirstiness at bay.

Do any of you feel like you might come off a little “thirsty” when you meet guys? Have you observed “thirstiness” in other girls?

Disclaimer: This is a subject I’ve wanted to write about for a while. I look forward to hearing your thoughts, but anything offensive or hateful will be deleted.

“Overheard in New York” is one of my favorite blogs. As the name of the site implies, people submit snippets of conversation that they’ve overheard while being in NYC. Here is a post that I found the other day (excuse the language):

When I read this, my first thought was what on earth does race have to do with size? I wrote this guy off as a lunatic, until I began to think back to my days at the BBW clubs in NYC. More specifically at Goddesses. On any given night, it seemed that

-most of the Black men were giving attention to the big White women

-most of the White men gravitated towards the big Black and/or Latina women

-most the Latin men were more open, spending time with all the women (as long as they could dance).

Every time I was at Goddesses I would notice interracial couplings all over the dance floor. One night I was sitting at the bar with Paige and Reese, when a stunning Italian looking guy with perfect teeth walked in. Paige let out a deep sigh and said “Look at Danny, he’s so HOT… too bad he only dates Black girls.” A few minutes later a gorgeous Black man came into the club. He grabbed a drink and spent the rest of the night cozying up to the biggest woman at the party, who happened to be white.

I’m starting to wonder this is just coincidence, or if a lot of these men will only date Plus Size Princesses of a certain race. More specifically, a race outside of their own.

I have more thoughts but I know race can be a complicated subject, so I’m going to stop here and let you guys chime in.

Are you a White/Black/Latina/Asian PSP who feels like your race has an effect on your dating life? Do you find that men of a certain race hit on you more? When it comes to Plus Size Dating… does race matter?

I love getting emails from you and I’ve been noticing that there are a few questions that I get asked all the time. So I thought I’d start a FAQ segment in case there were other Plus Size Princesses that had similar questions. Ready? Lets begin!

Hi CeCe,

I’m visiting the New York/New Jersey area and wanted to check out some BBW clubs or lounges where I won’t be judged! Do you have any tips?

In my experience there are two BBW parties in New York City that happen regularly: Goddesses and Bigger and Better Thangs (BBT).

Goddesses

Goddesses was the first BBW party I ever attended. When I first started blogging about the BBW Scene I called it DIVAS for some reason- I guess to protect the innocent? Anyway, I’ve had some good and bad nights there, I’ve met some hot guys and some trolls, I’ve been there when it was packed and I’ve been there when it was a whole bunch of PSP’s fighting for the attention for 2 or 3 guys. You can’t predict the Goddess party, which is one of the reasons I stopped going (if I’m going to pay a $20 cover, the party needs to be awesome).

Sometimes Goddesses reminds me of a a bad cruise. The party is very “organized” with contests, themes and a DJ who plays outdated songs. The first time I went to Goddesses they had a “thong” contest where girls pulled down their jeans and shook their butts for the judges and the drooling men who were huddled against the wall.

The guys there can be a little corny. Some of them do choreographed dances (its like a bad Usher video). But some of the guys are super sweet. Again, you never know what you’re going to get when you go there.

The good thing about Goddesses is that its every Saturday night, so its a guaranteed place to go not matter when you’re in NYC.

http://www.goddessbbw.com/

Bigger and Better Thangs (BBT)

Bigger and Better Thangs (yes, Thangs) is a BBW party that happens twice a month at club Remix. In my opinion, this is the better party. The DJ is always ROCKIN’ with current songs and they usually have two rooms, one with mainstream music and another with reggae/dancehall music.

The BBT crowd is predominantly African-American, but I’ve seen all types of people there having an awesome time. I would choose BBT over Goddesses mostly because it feels like a “normal” club. There are drink specials, two awesome DJ’s and everyone dances all night, this makes paying $20 worth it.

There is a more blatant sexual energy at the BBT parties, (I was at a BBT party when I was approached by swingers) but again, its a good party no matter what.

http://www.biggerandbetterthangs.com/

No matter which party you decide to attend, keep your expectations low. As I wrote a few weeks back, finding love in the club isn’t a realistic goal. But having a good time in a place where you feel comfortable is an awesome thing!

xoxo,

CeCe

CeCe@thebiggirlblog.com

Ever notice how songs always promote the same story?

“I spotted you from across the bar… took your hand and led you to the dance floor … and as we danced we fell in love.”

I’ve been getting a lot of emails asking me about the BBW Club scene in New York City and before I tell people where they can go, I always feel the need to tell them not to expect anything. Maybe I’m trying to save them from the rude awakening I had….

Moving to NYC, where the night life is pretty major, I could not wait to start going to clubs so that I could fall in love. When my friends and I scored fake ID’s I knew that it would be a matter of time until I found love in the club. (Gosh, I was so naive!)

After a few weekends partying with the 21+ crowds in Manhattan, reality hit as I watched my skinny girl friends get picked up over and over by different guys while I stood awkwardly watching and trying not to feel uncomfortable. I was so jealous when guys would ask for their numbers. In my mind, they were living the music video dream! Meeting guys in clubs and bars…

I can remember going with Kenzie to a country bar where the girls were encouraged to dance on the bar for free shots. Kenzie and I were moving our hips to “you can leave your hat on” when a gorgeous blue-eyed, curly haired man raised his glass to me from down on the floor. When I jumped down and took my shot, he bought me a drink. Then we danced to country songs and I let him kiss me in the middle of the dance floor. Soon we weren’t even dancing… we were just making out in the middle of the dance floor. “You’re so beautiful”, “I’m so glad I met you,” he would whisper in between kisses. He asked for my number and I stared at my phone for weeks waiting for Heath (that was his name) to call, but he never did.

Two months later, Kenzie and I went back and Heath was there, he barely remembered me and I felt like an idiot.

Fast forward to my time at the BBW clubs. Once I started hitting up the places where my size didn’t matter, I was sure that I would start living my own music video dream. Guys would spot me from across the room… pull me onto the dance floor… I would start to think “this is it”… I would feel the guys warm breath on my neck as he held me close. I would wonder if this would be the moment we would start to feel something for each other, but the only thing I would “feel” would be in the guys pants. Awkward!

The guys who did ask for my number rarely wanted anything more than to “come to my apartment and hang out”. Or to text me randomly at 2am. The guys I met in the club weren’t looking for love, they were looking to fulfill their lust.

Eventually I grew up a little, I stopped looking at bars and clubs as a place to meet men and started seeing them as a place to let loose and have fun. I have a few friends that met their boyfriends/husbands in bars, but from what I can see those girls are the exception, not the rule.

All of the substantial men I’ve dated have been from the internet, at work or through friends… not at clubs. But that’s me!

Have YOU ever found love in the club?

Walking into my first BBW Party in Los Angeles was like walking into a high school dance.

Club Bounce was located in the ballroom of a budget hotel. There were three large women collecting tickets behind a folding table. Once we paid our cover, our names were immediately dropped into a raffle bowl for prizes that would be announced later that night. I’ve never seen these things at mainstream clubs, but BBW clubs seem to think we come out for the chance at a free digital camera (*shrugs*).

Vanessa, my friend who works for Kiyonna (maybe some of you have seen her videos?) looked fabulous in a black dress with rouching up the front and funky boots and I was rocking my Kiyonna BoHo Chic look in honor of her. We both looked good and were feeling good after a nice dinner filled with girl talk.

Vanessa and I walked to the bar and ordered drinks and the high school vibe continued. On one side of the room were small clusters of Plus Size Princesses of all shapes, sizes, colors and ages. On the other side of the room were all the men. The DJ was playing music to an empty dance floor and balloons waived slowly under the air conditioner.

There was no mingling or flirting, everyone just sat in their respective corners and drank for about an hour.

Eventually some girls got up and began to dance with each other. Then slowly a crowd began to form on the dance floor. Vanessa and I were dancing too when I spotted a PSP sitting in the corner with her hands folded in her lap. I’m not sure if it was the high school dance elements of the night, but seeing her sitting there like a wall flower really made me sad so I marched over to her.

“Hi, are you here by yourself?” I asked.

“Yes,” she replied with a shy smile.

“Oh, wow… how are you liking it so far?”

“Its fine… I mean I’ve never been to a club before so…”

“Never been to a club, ever?!”

“Nope.”

I called Vanessa over, “this is Vanessa and I’m CeCe… come hang with us!” I said motioning for her to stand up. She hesitated and then said “okay”.

Being at a party alone is never fun, so Vanessa and I took her under our wing for the night. Watching her was fascinating because things like a guy asking her to dance were clearly new to her. As she danced with one guy, he turned her back to so that he could dance with her from behind and she thought he was done with her, so she kept walking and left him on the dancefloor. I had to tell her to turn around because he was standing there confused!

Over all the guys at Club Bounce weren’t very exciting. In my opinion, they made their business clear when they didn’t bother to talk and mingle with the PSP’s early in the night. It almost seemed as if they waited for the girls to get liquored up so that they could spend the evening humping them on the dance floor. I even heard one guy mention that he had a hotel room upstairs, which was a little disheartening.

Of course, we all know that NYC BBW clubs aren’t a place to look for love, and the California clubs are no different from what I can tell. But you never know… I was inspired when I noticed a nerdy guy in a sweater vest approaching our shy friend in a very repsectful way. Vanessa and I left them alone on the dance floor where they danced to song after song after song.

I felt like a proud Mom!

It was 9:15 on a Saturday night and I was sitting on my couch with a glass of wine. I’d had a long week and the idea of hitting the town with one of my girlfriends seemed like a good one, the only problem was that my girlfriend had just cancelled on me 30 minutes before we were supposed to head out.

I was already dressed and the thought of wasting a good outfit (and flawless makeup) seemed ridiculous. I scanned through my phone thinking of who to text and I saw the date. It was the last Saturday of the month, which meant there was a “BBW party” happening.

I’d pretty much written off the whole plus size party scene, but I knew that attending this party meant I could go out alone and not feel weird and maybe I’d dance with a cute boy (or three) and then go home.

I threw on my jacket, hopped on the 2 train and was downtown in 45 minutes. As I made my way into the club, Jay-Z was blasting and people were scattered across the club. Some were dancing, some were leaning against the bar and some were engrossed in conversation.

I wasn’t used to going out alone, but I planned to make the best of it. I ordered a drink and took a seat on one of the couches. A few minutes later, a plump girl in a pink ruched dress waved at me from across the room (the dress was cute, but she could have used some Shapewear underwear from Simply yours). Why are you sitting by yourself? she mouthed to me. I shrugged and she waved me over, “Hi, I’m Lisa” she said shaking my hand.

“Hey, I’m CeCe”

“You are too cute to be sitting by yourself, come chill with me!”

I laughed, “do you come here a lot?”

“I try to, my husband and I like to go out when we can, he’s in the bathroom but you’ll meet him when he comes out.”

“Cool,” I said nodding to the music. A few minutes later, Lisa’s husband appeared. She introduced us and as the night went on we casually chatted while we grooved to the music. Lisa, who was sitting between her husband and me, excused herself to the bathroom. As I sat sipping my drink, I could feel her husbands eyes on me. I looked over and he patted the seat that his wife had left open. Although I felt uneasy, I didn’t want to be rude, so I scooted into her seat. Lisa’s husband began to ask me questions, and trying to make conversation but I felt uncomfortable, so I kept my answers short. I kept telling myself that they were just being friendly, but something just didn’t feel right.

The uneasiness that I felt came from somewhere and I couldn’t shake it. Then it hit me; when I first attended a “Big Girl event” someone mentioned that a lot of plus size couples are swingers. I never believed it, until I started noticing the abundance of men in the clubs with wedding bands and the amount of people who attended the clubs not as singles looking for potentials, but as couples.

I started to wonder if Lisa and her husband were… flirting with me.

Eventually Lisa returned from the bathroom got up to dance with her husband. I watched them from my seat and a soon enough, a single guy approached me and pulled me up to dance.

After a few songs, I broke away from my dance partner to get another drink. “Girl, you’re doing your thing out there!” Lisa said, touching my arm. I continued to dance by myself for a little while and then something weird happened. Lisa’s husband turned his back to her and motioned for me to come and dance with him. My eyes immediately fell on Lisa who was dancing alone, but smiling at me and motioning for me to “go ahead”.

I know that everyone has different opinions and boundaries but I dont make it a habit of dancing with other people’s husbands. I definitely don’t make a habit of dancing with someones husband while they watch/join in. The awkwardness of the situation proved to be too much for me. I made my way into another room and spent the rest of the night solo.

I’m not 100% sure that Lisa and her husband were swingers, but I didn’t want to stick around and find out!

Normally, I have profiles on the mainstream online dating sites, but recently I created a profile on a niche “BBW” dating site. It wasn’t long before I was being contacted by different guys. Last night I logged on to check my messages and here’s an unedited excerpt of the what was in my inbox:

What’s up?? You’re whats up my dear?Do you like my profile my dear?Doing some networking for my uncle he’s throwing a buisness/soical boat network on October 15th and helping him sell tickets you know?So how sexy are u in person,like big gurls like you.I’m backl to work next Monday at Radio City we got big shows coming up until our Xmas shows kicks off November 5th till December 30th.So CeCe what’s your spots baby.I rep Harlem at 135th street by 8th av.

So SexyCeCe what are 5 things you seek in a potential mate?I seek wisdom,sexiness,support,spontanious and freakiness in a woman.Is that too much to ask,plus working security at MSg has it’s moments trust me.I enjoy working at Radio City Music Hall for my 8 years,especially meeting my cooworkers over the years.

Ok so when seriously can call you?Might wanna take yiou to a nice lounge and have a few drinks and kick it in Harlem.

*blank stare*

I don’t even know where to begin… aside from being called “my dear” by a man I don’t know, I never thought that “Sexiness” and “freakiness” would be in the top five things a man came up with when he imagined his “potential mate”. I didn’t respond to this dude, but so far he’s a pretty good representation of the guys that are on the BBW/Admirers sites. Reading the messages I received from him and others liked him made me stop and think:

Which would I rather have: A guy who liked me because of my size or a guy who liked me in spite of my size?

When I first started attending the NYC BBW parties, the idea of a man who was drawn to me because of my body seemed like a good one. I was excited to put my “winning personality” on the shelf and let my body draw men in, and it worked. My low cut tops and curve hugging jeans were appreciated in full at these establishments. My tummy, hips, curves and rolls weren’t avoided, they were touched and appreciated.

But instead of feeling celebrated, I felt violated.

At first I thought it was my own insecurities; I told myself that I needed to love my body just like the BBW lovers did. Of course it was fun to feel wanted, to feel sexy, but when the night was over I felt more detached from my body than ever. I began to realize that fat is what I am, but not who I am. Most of these men were in the fetish zone; attracted to my fat and uninterested in who CeCe was. I had spent my whole life wondering what it felt like to have someone want me for my body (like the skinny girls do) and when it finally happened, I hated it.

I wanted my “winning personality” to matter. I wanted to be more than a huge pair of boobs and a soft belly.

On the flip side, when I went out to mainstream events with my (skinny)friends, they were meeting people and I wasn’t. I felt invisible and in those moments I longed to be at a big girl party. At least there, I didn’t feel like I got all dressed up for nothing.

For a while I couldn’t decide what was worse; the wrong kind of attention or no attention at all.

Looking at my dating history this year, I think I have the answer to my question. I completely understand that not all “BBW Admirers” are weirdos. I know that there are amazing/caring/stable/normal men in this world who are exclusively attracted to big girls. But for me, I’m more comfortable with a guy who likes me in spite of my size.

Guys like Kevin and Adrian were great dating experiences that (no matter how they ended) made me feel like a girl. Not a big girl or a skinny girl, just a girl. I know that these guys didn’t usually date Plus Size Princesses, but there was something about me that attracted them. These men treated me like I was something to be desired and made efforts to know who I was. They never made comments about how they “love girls with a little meat on their bones” or “hated skinny bitches” they just dated me, held my hand, kissed me and told me I was beautiful …and that was enough.

Which do you prefer?

I was riding the 6 train with two of my gays on Sunday. We were drenched from a spontaneous downpour and tipsy from a spontaneous happy hour in the East Village. Sitting across from us was a plus size woman and her boyfriend. She was on the heavier end of the plus size spectrum and her boyfriend was tall and lanky. Although they were in conversation and I was chatting with my friends, I could feel my plus size counterpart looking at me.

Occasionally I would glance over at her; the first time we made eye contact, I quickly looked away. The second time we made eye contact, she casually linked arms with her boyfriend then she reached over and touched his leg. Each time we made eye contact she gave me what my gays would describe as The Ice Grill (The Ice Grill = A dirty look that incorporates nothing more than a malicious blank stare). I could pretend that I didn’t know why I was getting The Ice Grill, but I did.

She thought I wanted her boyfriend.

Was her boyfriend anything special? Nope, but by the way she was acting you would think that I was Angelina Jolie and she was Jennifer Aniston holding onto Brad for dear life. In reality, this guy was a below average dude (“below average” because when he smiled, I saw that he was missing a tooth and you know how I feel about that).

So… why was this girl so determined to let me know that this lanky, toothless man was hers? I’m pretty sure its because we were both plus size, and honestly, I can’t blame her for being so territorial….

A few months ago I was at a party with Robert and his friends. When Robert and I are together people don’t flirt with either of us because they assume (for better or worse) that we’re a couple. While his friends were mingling and dancing with different girls, Roberts attention was on me. There was one bigger girl on the dance floor with her friends and instead of trying to flirt and dance with the available guys in our group, she focused on Robert. She spent the evening giving me her version of The Ice Grill and I spotted her trying to dance with Robert while I was in line for the bathroom. “That girl is really aggressive,” Robert said when I returned.

I shrugged it off, because even though the girl was rude to me, I understood her plight. I’ve only been 100% sure that a guy was attracted to big girls when 1.) I saw him at a BBW club/bar or 2.) I saw him romantically engaged with a big girl. If the girl could bank on any guy at the party being interested in her, Robert was the sure bet because, duh- he was with me!

As plus size women we often assume that men wont date us because of our size. Of course there are plenty of men who are attracted to PSP’s but they don’t walk around wearing “I ♥ Big Girls” t-shirts (and if they did, that would be annoying). I’ll admit that I’ve been jealous of a PSP with a cute boyfriend and secretly wished I’d met him first. Obviously the PSP at the party was jealous that Robert was with me and the girl on the train assumed I was jealous of her and her dentally challenged lover.

Its like a vicious cycle. But I wonder why big girls do it. Do redheads give other redheads The Ice Grill so that they wont steal each others boyfriends? I doubt it…

Thoughts???