Plus Size Dating & Race: Does it Matter?

Filed Under: Curvy Conversations, Dating

Disclaimer: This is a subject I’ve wanted to write about for a while. I look forward to hearing your thoughts, but anything offensive or hateful will be deleted.

“Overheard in New York” is one of my favorite blogs. As the name of the site implies, people submit snippets of conversation that they’ve overheard while being in NYC. Here is a post that I found the other day (excuse the language):

When I read this, my first thought was what on earth does race have to do with size? I wrote this guy off as a lunatic, until I began to think back to my days at the BBW clubs in NYC. More specifically at Goddesses. On any given night, it seemed that

-most of the Black men were giving attention to the big White women

-most of the White men gravitated towards the big Black and/or Latina women

-most the Latin men were more open, spending time with all the women (as long as they could dance).

Every time I was at Goddesses I would notice interracial couplings all over the dance floor. One night I was sitting at the bar with Paige and Reese, when a stunning Italian looking guy with perfect teeth walked in. Paige let out a deep sigh and said “Look at Danny, he’s so HOT… too bad he only dates Black girls.” A few minutes later a gorgeous Black man came into the club. He grabbed a drink and spent the rest of the night cozying up to the biggest woman at the party, who happened to be white.

I’m starting to wonder this is just coincidence, or if a lot of these men will only date Plus Size Princesses of a certain race. More specifically, a race outside of their own.

I have more thoughts but I know race can be a complicated subject, so I’m going to stop here and let you guys chime in.

Are you a White/Black/Latina/Asian PSP who feels like your race has an effect on your dating life? Do you find that men of a certain race hit on you more? When it comes to Plus Size Dating… does race matter?

Published on Monday, March 5, 2012
35 Comments
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  • Spanish PSP

    Hi,

    I’m a white PSP and through my life I’ve found out that white guys are rarely attracted to me, whereas black, latin and arabic men always seem to find my curves attractive.

    From my own experience it seems to me that white men don’t usually go for big women, and when they do, it’s usually with black or latin women, which I think it’s because they find them sexy in an “exotic” way, as opposite to a “plain” fat white woman.

    Obviously I don’t have the point of view of black women, but, from my perspective, it seems to me that black guys are not that concerned about the weight of their girlfriends (wether they’re black or white) and they even appreciate it if they have extra curves, as opposed to the skinny standard of beauty white men have.

    I’m sure there are white guys out there who like big women and black guys who like skinny women, I don’t mean to stereotype or offend anybody, I’m just giving my point of view, based on my own life experience.

    I know race & weight & cliches are complicated and delicate subjects and I’m sure that there will be a lot of other comments with different points of view (and I can’t wait to read them!). I just wanted to put my two cents in on the subject.

    XXXOOO to all the PSPs out there.

    • Stellarcanicula

      I agree with this. I’m an African American plus size woman (size 16). I am open to dating all races. However, I have developed a stigma amongst my friends that I only don’t white men. Granted that is all I’ve ever date, but that’s only cause that’s all that I have ever attracted! I fall into this “exotic” category that Spanish PSP mentioned. Which I think explains the race of guys I attract. It also makes me kinda sad when a guy says that. “I still can’t believe your black. you look exotic. I like that”. So I can’t help but wonder if they’d like me if I “looked black?”(whatever the hell that means). I would love to date a black man….they just aren’t interested in dating me.

  • Donna Gray

    White (with olive Italian skin) Plus Size woman here and I’ve lived in a few different locations, but never NYC. Without a doubt, I was never loved more by men than when I lived in Turkey. That’s a secular country with one foot in Europe and one foot in the Middle East. Many modern and traditional Muslims live there, but also a thriving modern, non-Muslim culture exists, complete with nightclubs and topless beaches. My memories are of being embraced regardless of my weight, and really only my being American seemed to bother some of the women, who were jealous or “afraid” of what an American woman was going to do or say. The men were very attentive to me, I felt like a princess, and I fell in love there when I was 20.

  • Dena Upton

    I’m a white PSP, and I am talking super white. I’m redheaded. Without a doubt, black men seem to like me more often than white men. My assumption was always that black men seem to appreciate curves in all women better than most white men, but I don’t really know. The problem I have is that I like white men. I like big white men, and most of the big white men I’ve encountered seem to have no issue with the fact that they are big, but still have a huge issue with the fact that I am big. Crazy men haha.

  • pinkrose

    This may be slightly off tangent but i’m an asian girl dating a black guy (i’m from london) and my race has seemed to be a massive factor to other people since the start. I’ve had many people suggest he is only attracted to me because i am asian or exotic…and i find that insulting i would like the idea that someone is with me because they are genuinely attracted to me not just my race. Race isn’t something which caused me to be attracted to him and i’ve dated men of many colours but i have found that the social perception of race is quite significant. I for one like to think race doesn’t matter but i find it frustrating that someone can only be attracted to a particular race as i think that’s quite narrow minded and mostly insulting. I have turned down any men who comment on my race in a positive manner as to me it is not a feature of mine more just a race and doesn’t define me. So often you hear the line so have you ever been with an ‘x coloured man’ and i think what on earth has that got to do with anything! So in a nutshell as much as i want to believe race doesn’t matter it seems to a lot of people it plays a role in their attraction.

  • Vanessa

    I am white and I usually get a lot more attention from men who are not white. Black, hispanic, arabic and some italian men usually hit on me. Last summer, I was approached by a white guy with green eyes. I was thinking about how it wasn’t the regular type of guy I’d usually attract, and on the first date, I ended up finding out he was in fact from South America. I don’t mind race at all, but I do feel that despite being 21, I attract way too much men who are in their 50s and over and that bothers me. I wouldn’t mind dating any race, but I could possibly be bothered by the fact that I’m dating a particular guy who ‘only dates white girls’ because I’d feel that he’s possibly more attracted to my race (or my weight!)

    • Dena Upton

      I would definitely agree with you on attracting old men. I seem to do that too. Just because I’m a big woman doesn’t mean I’ll take someone old enough to be my father or grandfather for that matter haha. I’m not desperate, and I find it rather creepy.

      • Curvy, Cute and Christian

        I totally agree with both of you! It is so weird that men that are OLDER than my parents want to date me (and have the nerve to get mad when I don’t want to date them for that reason, lol). And, the “I only date [insert race]” bothers me as well. It makes me think they may have some unreasolved issues regarding themselves and race. People should just date good people who meet their must-have criteria, including age limits!

        • Vanessa

          I definitely agree with both of you ! I think some men are trying to hit on us specifically because they THINK we are desperate and are expecting us to lack self-esteem because we’re big, but it’s not the case!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=502308041 Danielle Bowling

    Sometimes black men are more open to talking to me than white men. Granted I’m only 22 and some of these black gentlemen are well in their 40s. Another thing I began to think about…it’s way easier for me to flirt with a black man than a white man. I don’t have a problem with black men, and some are oh so gorgeous, but I haven’t really visioned myself dating a black man. Maybe I need to broaden my horizons…

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=502308041 Danielle Bowling

    Italian men just make me sigh…. :)

  • JustJaVonna

    My perspective is that of a lesbian, black PSP. When I was dating, I found.that I got the most attention from white women. I did get hit on.by some black women but usually they were in pursuit of someone to go home with or we ended up being hang-out buddies. My partner happens to be a black woman who appreciates and has dated curvey women of many cultures/ colors, though her preference is for brown skin.

  • Jess

    I’m a white girl, a size 12 so kinda between a Chubby Cutie and a PSP, in my dating career I’ve been with one black man, one brazilian man (not sure if he was white or hispanic), one white jewish boy, two asian men, and a black woman (I don’t discriminate ;) I have a slight preference for asian men, but I’m pretty open to everybody. I too find I get more attention from black/hispanic men of all sizes, but I also seem to get a lot of attention from white Plus size princes too (it might be the people I hang out with). I’m not really into white guys as much, but again it depends on the person

  • Maruska Morena

    I think race is a big thing in dating with size. I don’t think it should be, but it seems that in the USA at least, white men are more prone to influencing each other to follow the media’s idea of beauty than other races. Most sexy women of size in the media have been from other races.

    I get approached most often by men of other races. Mostly Indian (India Indian) and Black men. It is very rare that a white man looks twice at me.

  • Molivinlarge

    As a white PSP, I can definitely attest to the fact that sometimes race IS an issue. Whether it be for or against though is another issue entirely. Here in the midwest, we don’t have a lot of BBW events. I’d read about them, but thought they were a myth until reading your blog CeCe. What I can say though is this: when I’m on a dating site that caters to large women, I rarely have white guys send me winks or emails or whatever. They’ll look at my profile, but that’s it. Most of my online admirers are either Latino or Black. What’s interesting though is that when I’m out and about, I rarely get hit on but when I do, it’s by a white guy.
    As if dating isn’t hard enough already, now they have to go and through this wrench into the works. Bleh. Makes you want to give it up entirely sometimes.

  • Hilary

    As a white PSP in the Midwest, I’ve realized that I get a lot more contact from black mean and Latino men. Even the bigger white guys don’t pay attention to the bigger girls.

  • Yaqueen14

    WOW! Kudos to you for approaching this subject, because I know that alot of people won’t. We try to pretend that race doesn’t matter but it really does and things won’t change until we acknowledge it. I’m African American and have always been plus size. When I was younger most of the African American men who approached me were older. I didn’t get approached by younger white men romantically but they always wanted to be my buddy. Now that I’m in mid-life, African American men NEVER approach me unless they’re over 70. I do get aproached by younger white or latino men, which I find…..strange but funny. It has been my experience that many African American men will go out with plus size Caucasion women but not African American women who are the same size. My brother is one of them. He won’t even acknowledge it but it’s clear if one looks at the women he’s dated over the past 20 years. I think it also has something to do with region. I live on the West Coast. The African American men who do approach me are NEVER from the West Coast, they’re usually from down south or the midwest. Very very strange - someone should do a study.

  • Curvy, Cute and Christian

    I am a Black PSP and I usually get the most attention from significantly older Black and Latino men (but it is not a lot, trust me, ladies). I’ve gotten more attention from White men as of late (I have no idea why that is), but I’ve noticed that when men are interested in PSPs online, they usually are not interested in Black PSPs. If I see a man out with a PSP, she is hardly ever Black. It’s definitely a complex problem but I think race definitely factors into it and more PSP lovers like White or Latina PSPs over Black PSPs (just stating my observation. I am not trying to start a who’s better argument). I think that Western standards or beauty still make it okay to favor a lighter or White PSP over a darker PSP, especially when guys are more concerned about getting approval of their dates from their friends than about dating someone they like, regardless of size or race.

    • Dena Upton

      I think this is interesting, and I think it might be somewhat dependent upon where in the country you are from. I see just the opposite. I generally see men who like PSPs prefering black PSPs to white. I’m not sure where you are from though. I’m from West Texas.

      • Curvy, Cute and Christian

        Really? I’m from north Texas and it is totally different. That is so interesting!

        P.S. I apologize for my late response. I had no idea you’d responded to my comment.

  • http://twitter.com/unbubbleable GreyLadyBug

    I never really noticed. But now that I think back on it almost all races and ethnicity have hit on me or asked me out. The only ones that haven’t are white french men. I am mixed white with prominent Asian features I don’t know if that is a factor. I notice that black men and Latino men are more aggressive when asking out/flirting with me but that is about it.

  • p p

    I am a white male that has always been attracted to curvy women, primarily white or latina with dark hair. I have found that white women tend to regularly express a dislike for their figure if anything other than super skinny. It is frustrating to be with someone who denigrates herself. It is one thing to want to be healthy, it is another to feel one is completely inadequate because of one’s weight and constantly express it.

    Comfort level with oneself will likely trump any supposed race-based physical attraction.

  • Cuppachoc

    Great topic and very interesting. I am a black plus size princess from South Africa. Generally black guys I have found don’t have as many hangups about woman and curves as white guys do. White guys because of western media. But that is also slowly changing. I sometimes worry that the white guys who do like curves like the ladies because its a fetish and they want to be with a big woman not because they actually like the woman. Plus size or not.

    • Nkosazana

      Ehm, you do know it’s because most of us are fat and they don’t got that many choices to make?

  • http://www.discreettiger.com.au/ Discreet Tiger

    Well it would seem the media has a lot to answer for. Regardless of how a relationship starts it wont last if there isn’t a connection that is based on more than the physical…

  • C.R.

    I am a Latina PSP and I typically get most attention from Latino and Black men, of all ages. This is the same both online and offline. I rarely have gotten attention from White men, and online I have received a fair amount of attention from Indian men but not nearly as much as the Latinos and Black men.

    My preference is Latinos, so I’m a lucky girl. :)

  • Tee

    I am a black PSP and married to a white man. Unsure if it makes a difference that I am multiracial (mixed black, white, and Hispanic). My numbers may also be skewed because I’ve been with my now-husband for almost 10 years. I have rarely had serious interest from black men unless they were way too old for me (in their 40s when I was in my late teens/early 20s). I can remember the small handful of times that a younger black guy would hit on me. Any guy I ever dated for any measure of time was a white guy because that was my preference.

  • Emma

    I’m a british white PSP and I find I mostly get attention from older white guys (40 plus) or black guys that have emigrated here, rather than British black guys.
    Unfortunately for me, I don’t find myself attracted to either.
    Online I have also come into contact with those who have a fetish for bbws which scare the crap out of me. These tend to be white guys. One even asking if I could carry him in a firemans lift. I kid you not.

    When it comes to dating, I definitely have the preference of dating white guys. But thats not to say I’d flatly turn a guy down because he didn’t fit my preferences exactly. If I get on with the fella then I’ll give anyone a chance. But in my little corner of England, the population is vastly more white than a lot more of the country. So I think that’s why my preferences lie the way they do.

  • http://grownandcurvywoman.com/ grownandcurvywoman

    Great subject! As an AA woman Ive always attracted black men but as of late Ive been attracting alot of Latino men, specifically Dominicans. I do find that white men are attracted to PSP but in private. They would not be caught dead out in public with you. There is also a sexual element when a white man likes an AA PSP. I find that black & Latino men really appreciate my curves.

  • priyanka chowdhury

    Great topic CeCe, really liked the way you wrote.

    Being an Indian and that too a PSP, dating can be slightly a tough here. Indian men prefer slim, tall and fair girlfriend and they definitely do prefer white girls. Give them a white girl (PSP or not) and they will forget everything else. Also, being PSP in India is quite a big No. Being a PSP here is almost like people (family and friends) hounding and reminding you everyday that you are big (like i wasn’t aware of it). So, dating is quite tough with Indian men, even if they date you, they will constantly remind you that your a PSP and do something about it.

  • sharay

    It has nothing to do with size. You’ll see that in any club. A lot of black men are color struck. Taught to believe that lighter is better. I’m black and honestly, I’ve had better relationships with white men than black men. I don’t like how black men treat me so I tend to steer clear of them anyway. Half of them want me to look like Beyonce. With white men, (in my experience) they don’t come with pre-conceived ideas about what black femininity is supposed to be. White men tend to accept me more when we are dating.

  • http://twitter.com/Jesi1290 Jessica Earley

    I’m 19, and a white PSP. I have dated for the past few years, and have noticed now that I am legal (lol!), it has been easier. I almost never date white men my age, which is why dating was so difficult when I was younger. Even now though, white men my age almost never take any interest in me. The ones who have only see me as a sex object (even the white men my age who are plus-size as well). It’s frustrating, because I do not put myself out there that way at all. The white men who do take an interest in me for more than just sex are always older (usually 7+ years older). I like older men, so this fact doesn’t bother me too much, unless of course they are 15+ years older. On facebook, I get friend requests from many middle eastern men. I don’t accept them, but they still send me messages telling me how pretty/hot/sexy I am. I live in North Carolina, and there are many Hispanic men here. They also hit on me as well, from younger than myself, to older than my grandpa! As for black men, I do get hit on by them a lot as well. Like the Hispanic men, their ages range from younger to much older.

    Personally, I prefer older men. I tend to not date anyone older than 30 though. As for race, it has never really been of much importance to me. I have dated men of all different races.

    I have always wondered how culture and society affect different races dating preferences. I would love for there to be a study on how much of what we are attracted to is nature, and how much is nurture.

  • Mrsmahdi

    I am a white psp and i agree i tend to not attract white men my own age 22 however i do attract plenty of black men and latins, i am married to a psp black man and we are happy because we kinda boost eachothers self asteem, and we look cute together

  • Ma5ta Gonz0

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I use to go to Goddesses’ parties and I also noticed that this behavior was happening in and out of the parties. I for one, am a Black male and I’m only approached by White and Hispanic females… which is no problem for me as I am attracted mainly to Middle Eastern and Hispanic females and size does not matter in my taste, you could be 110 - 210 that’s just what I like.

    I’m glad I stumbled upon your blog real NYC advice and topics i can relate to. Thanks

    • Anonymous

      The Goddess parties are very interracial, I notice that too. Glad you chimed in… I love having a males perspective! Don’t be a stranger :-)

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