This morning Robert noticed that the price tags on my brand new sweater were visible through the knit. Too lazy to take the sweater off, I turned my back to him “Can you just tear it off?” I asked. He reached down the back of my top, carefully ripped the price tag and extra button off and handed it to me.

It wasn’t until an hour later that I realized I’d given him access to my clothing size without a second thought. For some of you this might sound like nothing, but for me its a huge deal. Not only because I let him see what size I wore, but because I’ve always had a very strange relationship with clothing tags.

You see up until the past year or so, none of my clothes had tags on them. I’m not talking about the price tags, everyone takes those off. I’m talking about the tag with a number on it that identifies what size dress/pants/sweater you have. For as long as I can remember I would rush home after a shopping trip, grab the scissors and cut the sizes off of everything I bought. The numbers 18… 20 … or 24 had no place in my closet (even if they applied to me) so I cut the numbers off as a way of pretending that I wasn’t that size.

Silly, I know… but it’s what I did.

Denial feels really good sometimes.

So fast forward to this morning… with Robert removing my forgotten price tag. As I went to throw it away, I had to pause and acknowledge how far I’ve come in accepting myself as a Plus Size Princess. Not only did I purchase the sweater last night and skip my size cutting ritual, but I let the guy I’m dating remove the tag for me… letting him see the size that I am right now.

I’m proud of myself.

Do any of YOU do weird things with your clothes?

Cardio & Curvy Conversations was such a fun event! We did an intense workout with TruDog and then had enriching conversations on what its like to be a Plus Size Princess living a healthy lifestyle, dating and trying to make it all work.

Thanks to everyone who came out… I’ve got lots more planned for us in 2013. I’ve also uploaded the photos from the event on my personal facebook page so add me as a friend to see them and tag yourselves (CeCe Olisa).

I thought this video would be a great conversation starter for this weeks Plus Size Princess Fitness Challenge Weigh-in. So, watch the video and chime in with your comments on any of the subjects (Whats the most you’ve spent to lose weight? Do you find it hard to date while on your fitness journey? Do you like dating bigger guys?). I’d love to hear your thoughts and I’ll be online all day responding to comments!

As far as my weight goes, I’m maintaining but holding on by a thread… the holidays are killing me, I cant wait till its all over and I can go back to my salads and grilled chicken- augh.

I was on the M60 bus last night and there was a girl who was on her way to La Guardia Airport. She had the tiniest suitcase with her and I thought to myself… wow, I think I could fit one pair of my jeans in that carry-on… if I rolled them super tight

Even if I’m going away for a weekend and am bringing three outfits, there is no way I could fit everything in one of those black square suitcases that people wheel around. My bras alone need their own duffel bag and if its winter and I’m packing bulky sweaters? Forget about it!

I never realized that I probably pack for trips differently because my clothes take up more space. Little tricks like putting four pairs of socks into my bra cups to save space probably don’t come up for everyone but as a Plus Size Princess, things like that are second nature when I’m preparing for a trip.

I’m not even going to mention the fact that I’m a high maintenance PSP because that means that I’ve got lots of creams, powders, tubes, trinkets and accessories that I have to pack when I travel, so my luggage will probably always need to be on the medium-large end even if I’m only going away for a few days. Its nothing to complain about really, I’m just fascinated that I didn’t realize this before.

There are so many random things that come along with being a Plus Size Princess; we’ve got to combat chub rub or handle the sweat between our boobies or worry about the seatbelts on the plane fitting us. Now I’m adding “required to have roomier luggage” to the list.

*shrugs*

Hello CeCe,

I’m having a really hard time of letting go of what should stay in the past. Ok let me fill you in, I met my Ex boyfriend from an online dating site at the end of 2006. This was my first real relationship, I believe due to the fact im a PSP. So to make a long story short we fell in love and spent the next almost 4 years together. 2 and a half years into to the relationship that’s when things started going down hill due to the fact I felt as though he was ashamed of me because of my weight. Some of the reasoning behind my feelings was that the only people I’ve met was one of his sisters and one friends. I mean it took me two whole years to realize this because he explained he wasn’t really that close to his family. By the time i finally met his mother and siblings it was “too little too late ” type of feeling I had going on so I felt my heart grow cold.

So with me feeling cold-hearted there was a disconnect in our relationship, I believe that’s the reason why he started turning to other women, like texting, calling and whatever else. I really don’t know if he have ever physically cheated and to this day he claims he never has. He even went as far as reaching out to his Ex girlfriend that he was with right before me.

Even after feeling the way I felt we still stayed together up until June 2011. It seems like as soon as I broke up with him he went back to his Ex like I thought he would, but he swears up and down that he haven’t been in touch with her for the last year or so. So it been close to a year and a half and we’re still in touch and he claims that he wants to be with me but I have my sources and I know he’s still going back a forth with his Ex.

CeCe I know you’re thinking like “didn’t you not want to be with him in the first place” yes I know but I still want him to be in my life even if it’s being just friends but he definitely wants more, But I think he wants his Ex too, so its apparent I don’t trust him at all, so I don’t know why I feel we can remain in each others lives. I even tried to sit down and ask him where does he place her in his life and if he ever loved her or love her now and he continues to say he never loved her and that I was his First love and so forth. So I say all this to ask you should I just let him go and if so what are the steps I can take to get him out of my system all over again? I know that this is all over the place but he is a good dude and he explained he never meant to do what he did and he was younger and now he knows what he wants. But the thing is I’m not quite sure of what I want yet. I just know I want honesty…

Sincerely,

Evans Ex

Hey Evans Ex,

Thanks for reaching out! Sounds like you’ve got a lot going on. Hopefully, I can pull together some answers for you based on what you wrote here.

In general, this seems to be a drama filled situation, so I’d like to address that first. This dude always likes to have a girl (or two) waiting in the wings in case things with his current girlfriend go badly. He was unhappy with you, so he cheated instead of just breaking up with you- that seems like a cowardly move to me. This pattern has been done to you and with you, so we know its not a one time thing.

I think drama-filled relationships often keep us from finding people we’re more compatible with. While you’re spending time worrying about a guy who seeks the attention of other women, runs back to his ex as soon as he can and (in my opinion) plays head games… there’s a stand-up dude out there that you haven’t met yet. You to are not married, tell the kid to kick rocks and move forward with your life. I guess if it were that simple, you wouldn’t be writing to me though, so lets dig a little deeper, shall we?

You found the confidence to let him go… why entertain him again once he’s shown his true colors? I think the answer lies in your letter.

You mentioned that being a PSP (Plus Size Princess) was the root of two issues 1.) Not having a boyfriend in the past 2.) Him not introducing you to his family. I think those thoughts are pretty normal, I know I have similar thoughts… but I’m wondering if they’re breeding insecurities for you that go even further than that… are you nervous that you might not find someone else who will accept you at your size? Does the comfort level you have with your ex make it seem easier to deal with his nonsense than to find someone new? …just things to think about.

Now to the questions you asked at the end of your email “So I say all this to ask you should I just let him go and if so what are the steps I can take to get him out of my system all over again?”

Yes, you should just let him go.

The main step to get him out of your system is to accept that you cannot be “just friends” with him. Point blank, period. I know it sounds harsh and it will be hard to let go of him, but if you start to evaluate the questions I posed earlier hopefully you can start to figure out the real reasons you’re holding onto this relationship that as you said in the first line of your email “should stay in the past”.

I’m sure he’s a good guy, but I’m sure you can find an even better guy.

xoxo,

CeCe

CeCe@thebiggirlblog.com

Anyone else have advice for Evans Ex?

I came across an old picture this weekend. The photo was taken when Robert and I were just starting to talk at work events (for those of you are new to TBGB, Robert and I met at work and had a slow progression from coworkers, to friends, to dating which you can scroll through here). Anyway, looking at the photo I’m sitting on a barstool and holding my purse in my lap.

If anyone had seen me in the bar that night, they would have assumed that I was just making sure my purse wasn’t stolen, but I know the truth. I was using one of my Plus Size Princess diversion techniques… holding my purse in my lap, to hide my stomach. Thinking back, if I’m feeling self conscious about my body especially around a guy I will grab something and hold it in front of me… a purse, a pillow, a coat… I’ll even sit side-saddle on a bar stool, putting the back of the bar stool between me and the rest of the bar because it makes me feel more comfortable.

Even though in the moment, I feel like these body covering moves help… they really don’t. A pillow in front of my stomach makes me feel better but it doesn’t make me any smaller and if you saw the photo of me clutching my purse for dear life, you’d see how little it was really covering my trouble spots.

I have to remind myself that when I do crazy things to “cover” myself, I often end up calling more attention to myself. If I wear a big t-shirt in the pool, its way more obvious than if I just wear a bathing suit and keep it moving. If I wear a shrug to cover my arms, it takes away from my sleeveless dresses and tells the world, “I hate my arms! See! I’m covering them up!!”. Like the time I decided to just get naked at the gym, when I remember that its impossible to hide my fat… life becomes more simple.

Thankfully, I’ve become more comfortable with Robert and I can sit around him with nothing in my lap to cover me, but I wonder if those habits would come back if I were to start dating someone new. Hopefully not!

Do you do weird things to cover/hide your body in different situations?

There’s a quote I see all the time that says “The best accessory a girl can own is confidence”

*eye roll*

Confidence is not something I’ve ever owned… at best I rent it like high-end jewels for the Oscars.

I’ve had people mention my confidence as something they admire about me. Every time I hear that I feel like I’m making it look too easy. Maybe because I live with that little voice in my head that nags me about my back fat, my inner thighs rubbing together, my round stomach… the list goes on and on.

Maybe the difference is that although I beat myself up over things I make the best of what I have and I try really hard not let my insecurities hold me back. I’ve learned what looks good on me (and what doesn’t), I’ve learned what my current limits are but I’m not afraid to try and press past them. I’ve learned from experience that every time I tell that little voice in my head to “kick rocks” so that I can take a chance, I’m pleasantly surprised at the results. But that doesn’t mean its any easier the next time… when it comes to confidence, I feel like I’m starting from scratch each morning.

I’ve had people ask me how they can become confident… the short answer is, its complicated.

We talk about confidence like it’s this black and white thing that you do or don’t have, but it’s so much more than that in my opinion. For me, confidence is a journey not a destination. Confidence isn’t something that you acquire and never lose its something that you have to work to keep. And it’s not easy.

How are YOU doing on your confidence journey?

It was a Monday afternoon and I was taking a dance class at one of my favorite studios in midtown. The routine we were learning was hard, but my body was learning the movements well enough. The whole reason I moved to NYC from California is to pursue my dream of performing/doing theater, so taking dance classes weekly is a great way for me to workout and stay prepared for anything that an audition would throw my way.

So, there I was in jazz, level 4. Learning the routine and feeling strong. “C’mon guys, sell it to meeee!” the instructor screamed before hitting play on the stereo. “FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT!” he cried out, and we hit the routine. At this point we were drilling the dance over and over, which gave us all a chance to stop thinking about the steps, let go and just dance… perform even. I started to have fun with the choreography and give the routine everything that I had.

“Wait a minute,” the instructor called out as he paused the music. “Sorry- what’s your name?” he said pointing at me.

“CeCe,” I replied.

“CeCe, I like what you’re doing with those first few eight counts… can you do it again for the class?” he asked, beckoning me to the center of the floor. “Um, sure…” I said. My heart was beating fast, but I came to the middle of the dance floor while the class stepped aside to watch.

For those of you who didn’t grow up performing, being called out in class to show the other students “how its done” is a big deal. Its something that is only asked of the strongest dancers in class and for me, it was a huge deal because so matter how good I had been in previous classes, my weight had always kept me from being considered the strongest (I have more stories on that, but I’ll save them for another day).

At a young age, I had to accept that teachers would pretty much ignore me as a viable option for their stand out student because of my size, I never let that stop me from training, but every once in a while, I’d feel like everything I was doing was pointless. But now, here was a moment where my abilities as a dancer were being validated. I tried to play it cool and act like it was no big deal, but inside I was doing cartwheels!

The dance instructor pushed play and I began to do the choreography. I danced with every part of myself and when I was done, the class erupted into applause as is customary in a moment like that. Then the instructor walked to the middle of the dance floor, “thanks, CeCe!” he said giving me a nod, then he turned to the rest of the class and said “now, if this big girl can work my routine… I KNOW the rest of you can put in a little more effort!” and with that he started the music over again.

It felt as if he had punched me in the stomach. Oddly enough, I could tell that the dance instructor didn’t say what he said with malice. He actually pulled me to the side later, to tell me how much he loved having me in class, how talented he thought I was, etc.. But it didn’t change how hurtful that moment was.

Its frustrating that a PSP who isn’t bedridden is treated like some sort of magical elephant. I’m constantly approached by people at the gym who compliment me on how well I move, how light on my feet I am and how much stamina I have. 99% of the time, I think they’re trying to be encouraging and I try not to take offense, but I’ve always been this way and as I’ve mentioned plenty of times before, I am not the only Plus Size Princess who can do this stuff.

(That’s a big reason why I’m excited about Cardio & Curvy Conversations on Saturday. I think it will be nice to get a room full of Plus Size Princesses together who aren’t afraid to break a sweat.)

Anyway, as we begin out Plus Size Princess Fitness Challenge, I just want to mention that people might say awkward things to us as we become more adventurous in our fitness. Please don’t let that hold you back from taking a new class or trying a new machine at the gym. We shouldn’t be embarrassed that we’re active PSPs… that’s something to be proud of!

For more information on the Plus Size Princess Fitness Challenge, click here.

Last week I was having a rough day at work… it was one of those days where I brought my lunch back to my desk instead of taking lunch with Robert like I usually do.

I hate eating at my desk.

Eating at my desk puts me and my food choices on display for the entire office and it just makes me uncomfortable. If I eat at my desk and have something that isn’t a salad, all the women in my office walk by and say “oh my gawd, that smells soooo good!” then they look at my food longingly and announce that they’re off to get a salad.

*sigh*

I even had one coworker ask me once where I got my yummy looking non-salad lunch, ask me directions on how to get there and what exactly I ordered and then when she came back… she had a salad! “Oh, I just decided to be ‘good’ today…” she said.

So anyway, last week I was rushing to get lunch and bring it back to my desk. I had skipped breakfast too so when I got a craving for a turkey burger, I decided to follow through and order one. I ordered the turkey burger, no bun with french fries and headed back to my desk to work and eat.

I was about halfway through my meal, when a female coworker passed by my desk, her eyes landed on my lunch and she stopped, “I guess you tossed your diet out the window today, huh?” she said with a laugh.

I felt my face get warm with embarrassment, “I didn’t eat breakfast today… and I’m going to the gym later” I said. She nodded in approval and kept walking. Even though my food explanation was enough for her, I hated myself for giving it. I don’t owe her a reason why I’m eating a bun-less turkey burger and fries just like she had no right to be all up in my lunch plate like that. But I’m noticing more and more that as women we feel like we have to explain everything we eat to each other.

Accountability is one thing, but I’m noticing that we go beyond that sometimes…

Like when you sit down to dinner and your girlfriend orders a “big meal” and then when the waitress walks away, she says “I didn’t eat lunch today,” to explain why she didn’t just order a salad… why do we do that? I do it too- when I eat with certain friends, I will order what I want and then give a full food explanation of everything I had to eat that day so they know I’m not eating too much or that I’ve “earned” my meal.

Whyyy do we do that??

Last week I was on Huffington Post talking about body policing and how its not okay to judge people based on size or assume you know how healthy they are based on what they weigh. A spin-off of body policing is food policing; we are obsessed with what other people do or don’t eat. I sometimes become obsessed with being “good” around my friends so that they don’t judge what’s on my plate. But if I know that I’m on track with what I’m eating, why does it matter?

Next week, we’re starting the Plus Size Princess Fitness Challenge- part of that will be putting pics of our meals on Instagram for inspiration and accountability (My IG name is PlusSizePrincess, btw). But if I slip up and eat “badly” I’m going to put myself on blast and post that too because that’s real life for me.

Do you sometimes feel guilty eating around friends/coworkers?

We’ll be talking about this during the #CurvyConvo twitter chat @ 2pm today (Thursday) follow @thebiggirlblog to join the Curvy Convo