Are The Men I Attract a Reflection of… Me?!

Filed Under: Dating

Over the weekend I was laying out in the sand with my girlfriends and we were talking about men and dating in general when one of my friends casually mentioned that she didn’t have any dating horror stories. I’ve been back for a few days now, but can’t stop thinking about what she said because lately I feel like I have nothing but dating horror stories.

Remember the guy who told me that he lived in a shelter? Well, upon further questioning I found out that not only was he homeless, he’d been a working homeless person for over three years. And if that wasn’t enough; he explained that because of his lack of stability, very few women want to deal with him (duh!) and so he sometimes turns to Transgendered men/women when he needs *ahem* …affection.

I’ll give you a minute to let all of that sink in.

When I found all of this out I immediately called my best friend, Adam. “Oh my gosh, CeCe!” he laughed, “Why does this stuff always happen to you?” I wanted to laugh too, but I couldn’t. I started to wonder why this guy (knowing all of his issues and baggage) saw me on the crosstown bus and thought I would be the type of girl who would date him. Could it be that he looked at me, with my yellow dress and my hair curled for the Easter holiday and thought to himself …that looks like a girl who wouldn’t mind dating a Homeless Tranny Chaser!

I mean, he didn’t even bother to lie to me, he laid all of this garbage out within 72 hours of getting my phone number and when I told him I truly wasn’t interested in talking to him anymore, he had the nerve to say “you know, with the right woman by my side I could really turn my life around…”

I’ve heard guys talk about women being “out of their league” for a variety of reasons like looks, profession or family background so I know they think about these things. I am a pretty open person. I’ve dated white collar and blue collar guys. I’ve dated men with and without degrees. I’ve dated men who had nice things and men who were struggling. I don’t walk around thinking I’m too good for anyone, but this is a case where I feel like he should have known that I was out of his league because until he addresses his homelessness and his attraction to women with a “little something extra” every girl in New York City is out of his league.

A man (protected by the veil of anonymity) left this comment on one of my posts the other day: as a tall man who takes care of his appearance (and teeth!) I just can’t take seriously a women who is overweight…I would never ever date a women who is overweight… poor men date overweight women, attractive men with means chose the hot ones. Is it my weight? Did he see me and think that because I’m a big girl I would be desperate enough to accept his lifestyle?

I have a couple of women I like to call my “Blogging Big Sisters” and I reached out to two of them for their take. They’re both beautiful New York City women and weight isn’t something they struggle with, so I thought maybe they’d give me their answers to my question: Are The Men I Attract a Reflection of… Me? Here’s what they said (you can read more on their blogs)

HowVeryLucky says: This is a topic I have been muddling over from the moment I received my very first e-mail communication upon re-entry to the online dating world. My profile hadn’t been up for twenty minutes before Summerskirts had written me. He was a married cross-dresser in search of a “special friend”. At first I take this all in stride. But over time, it starts to feel defeating. It becomes hard to keep your head above water. To remember all the wonderful things about yourself. You recite your mantra – if you have one (which I don’t, but OK) – I’m smart, pretty, gainfully employed, funny and, in a nutshell, a great catch. So why are the only guys playing the outfield (or even the infield for that matter) men that I would never consider dating? In the mirror of Internet dating, am I the reflection staring back at Mr. Too Old For Me Suburban Mom-Jeans? Suddenly I start to feel like my blue book value just went down by the thousands. I feel sad and disappointed and undesirable. And then I realize something else. Maybe it’s not a mirror. Maybe instead it’s a portrait or a work of art. Rather than allowing it to make me feel badly, I should be flattered that these men find me attractive and interesting enough to write, even though they’re not at all who I want. (read more here)

KB_IN_NYC says: Are the men I attract a reflection of….me? In a word, yes. But also….no. Let me explain. I believe wholeheartedly in the notion that what we put out is what we get back, and this is no different when it comes to attracting people. I seem to do pretty well (if I do say so myself) when it comes to friends, business relationships etc. The sticking point, as always, is dating and men. Two nights ago I went on a date. I wasn’t overly excited about it but we ended up having a really good time; he got a bottle of great wine, we ordered cheese, drank champagne. It really was all I could’ve asked for but still, I’m like Uhm. Not sure. I also discovered he has a hairy back (which is so a story for another time). Thing is I hate hairy backs, like completely hate them. And then I start to think, holy crap is this man with a hairy back a reflection of me? I’m kidding about the hairy back (kind of), but I think you get my point. We have a lot of stories that we tell ourselves, and it’s hard not to get despondent when we are not attracting the people that we would like, or feel we deserve. But, if I step back – if I stop with the voices and the self doubt – I know that I am not the sum total of the men who want to date me (or at least I hope to hell I’m not). Sure, maybe I’m attracting experiences that I don’t want but that’s more about me than them, isn’t it? (read more here)

Both of my Blogging Big Sisters bring up some good points and although I’m obviously still struggling with this, its nice to know that these things aren’t just happening to CeCe, The Big Girl.

To be honest, I think my ego is bruised. For me when the dating “mess” hits the fan, it always comes back to my weight. I start to tell myself that these things wouldn’t happen if I were thin. But maybe I should consider that maybe these “bottom feeder” types have nothing to lose so they’re just more forward and outrageous and therefore I encounter them more… but I don’t know.

Thoughts???

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Published on Tuesday, May 4, 2010
25 Comments
  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08118166101258845293 Kemi

    I often wonder the same thing. I always seem to attract off kilter people. Crazy drunks, Men who think I'm just gonna fall into bed with them, etc… It makes me so mad sometimes. I also realized that you gotta kiss a couple of frogs..

    BTW about the homeless guy,OMG! I would have freaked! I cannot believe he mentioned all that to you and expected you to accept it and try and make him a better man.. *rollseyes*
    If you've chosen to be homeless for 3 years and you haven't done anything about it yet, i doubt a woman will make your situation even better..He's making those choices everyday..

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11970036143546415031 rubyredslippers

    Hey, Cece! I read your blog all the time and I feel like you're one of my closest friends. (Creepy, right?) I feel like we're the same person sometimes – all my dating horror stories. I've joked about being set up by some higher power to write a book. And you know, I always think the same thing – is it because of my weight? The hard truth of it is – sometimes, like in the case of your homeless guy – yes. Not necessarily because they don't see your value, they just assume you don't and no one else does. (Goes along with the "You know I think YOU'RE beautiful" thing.)

    I've both cursed and been thankful for my struggle with my weight. I feel like I see the world for what it is and am a much stronger and wiser person than I would have been otherwise. I've also used my weight as an excuse when I shouldn't have. Sometimes things don't work out just because they don't work out.

    Cece, you're a beautiful, strong, intelligent woman. You'd be dealing with idiots no matter what your size. Your real dating issues lie with the fact that you won't settle – and is that really an issue? Your friend may not have any dating horror stories and good for her, but think of all the things you see about your friends' relationships that make you think "There is no way I'd put up with that…"

  • http://twitter.com/girltrueheart girltrueheart

    Here's what bothers me about saying an immediate "yes" to this question. Regardless of the topic, we cannot ever be responsible for the thoughts or actions of another. As such, how they perceive you may be influenced by your clothes, hair, smile, physical body, etc. But it will just as likely be influenced by what they've experienced in life, what their current environment and MO are, and what agenda they have in their mind regarding you, be it for a business or personal situation.

    So are you going to start living for that unknown variable in the equation? I don't think so.

    Of course, I'm not saying don't try to be the best you can be. I'm saying that's all you CAN do. If you're unhappy and think you'd be happier with less (fill in the blank) or more (fill in the blank), then of course, that is going to reflect upon you. But, if you are striving for happiness and giving to the world and content in being the best you can be, then that too will reflect upon you.

    Even if you're not a size 10. Even if you're not under 40. Even if you're dying your hair to be blonde. Etc etc. Someone is always going to want something you're not. Let them go. And embrace the idea that there's someone out there who wants – you – the best you can be, however you define that.

    Yup, this sounds a little too nutty crunchy for the city crowd, I know. But I make no apologies for it. ;-)

  • Indigo_Gurl

    Yes and no. I agree that the energy we put out is the energy we usually get back, so in a sense yes we attract a certain type of person to us, but it's not always negative, it might be because people think we're nice or easy to talk to. Hell NO, I wouldn't want to date a homeless man, who also dates transgender people, but it was something about your personality that was welcoming enough to be able to divulge that information. I used to think my dating woes had a lot to do with my size, but then in talking to many of my friends, some of who are skinny, model-esque and gorgeous…you know what they go through some of the same things we do as plus size women. My thin friends have. A lot of thinner women might have a large QUANTITY of men fawning after then but it doesn't necessarily mean it's QUALITY. As far as the guy who left the comment, he's one of many that takes that attitude but not all tall fine men think that way…I speak from RECENT experience that some tall fine men LOVE bbw's as well. When the timing is right, you're Prince will come, as cliche' as it sounds. You'll look back at this blog and have tons to laugh at but it'll be all worth it.

  • Mu

    Your size has got nothing to do with your dating disasters. There are nice men that like slim women and nice men that like bigger women.

    I live in London, UK and a very good friend of mine, a voluptuous (white) girl is dating a a really nice mixed race guy at the moment. And the guy is from New York!
    I don't think she would be having as many dating disasters as you because she probably doesn't date as much as you do.
    It looks like in New York, numbers are exchanged so easily. Dates are set up in an instant.
    In the UK, it's a bit more complicated, but it also guarantees better quality in dates, I believe.

    Hope this point of view helped!
    I love your blog by the way!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12384503085670445419 Blossom

    Hm. I don't know. The guy who left the anonymous comment…is HE single? I wonder why. As for the homeless guy…that's hard to wrap my head around. I think that guy just has his OWN crap to deal with before he can get into a relationship. Apparently it's not about big/not big (I'm big too). It's as you're getting older…the group of eligible/attractive/men who will commit-pot gets smaller. According to a friend of mine, most of her single 30s & 40s friends who are dating are having a hard time finding quality guys. Don't let this comment or this homeless weirdo get you down. As for your friend who has never had any horror stories…she's obviously not dating enough!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17857524350958781429 Missouri Girl

    CeCe, let me tell you that if you were thin it would still be happening. I watch it happen to my girlfriends all the time.

    I don't know that I have an answer because of all the men I have dated or hooked up with, they have all been such a mixed variety!!

    however, I do know for me. What I want in a man is not what I attract. Now if you can figure out the answer to that enigma please let me know!!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16630332880143415967 ShoeJunkie

    "But maybe I should consider that maybe these "bottom feeder" types have nothing to lose so they're just more forward and outrageous and therefore I encounter them more"

    Bingo.

    This is often a topic that I struggle with because only homeless/crazy/elderly/married/gross men ever really want to approach me…but I have to believe that the universe will essentially balance itself out.

    I know it's not the answer that any of us are looking for, but I cannot sit here and tell you that for us PSPs who take care of ourselves and have made so many accomplishments in our personal/professional lives– that the horrible men that want to approach us must be a reflection of ourselves. That's impossible.

    Maybe it's a little bit of denial, but I've spent too many of my 27 years on this planet thinking that all of the negative aspects of my dating life have been completely my fault. I know for a fact that my skinny (and equally successful and beautiful) friends all have the same 'war stories' as I do. Sometimes….worse.

    Although it is always important to take time for self-reflection and accept the fact that sometimes we end up in crazy dating/relationship scenarios because we may have partially played the role of enabler….but it takes way too much time to sit here and take the blame for anything else. Sometimes the rotten guys just have more self-confidence than the quality ones. Unfortunately, there is nothing that we can ultimately do about that.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10781716426461660651 Amanda V

    First of all I have to say that "Summerskirts" also has written to me on said dating site! On MULTIPLE occasions until I finally just blocked the dude. And it always started out with "You are so pretty and feminine" Then went on to say how lucky I was to be able to dress that way…

    Anywho: I often wonder the same thing! More often than not I either attract the "fat girl fetishists" or the boys who ask things like "What size are your feet" 2 seconds into the conversation. I had one attractive guy talking to me only to be stood up on the date… WTF? I actually have rather high standards (to the point my father once told me I'd never meet anyone) but is it REALLY high standards to want a "normal" employed, non-homeless, non-creepy weirdo?

    Sad thing is there are obviously women out there perpetuating the stereotype that big girl = desperate girl… I wish I could just tell these girls "You are beautiful and intelligent and sassy and you don't need to fall into bed with the first (insert creepy adj. here) guy that comes along! have some self respect and the right guy will come along."

    Now that said, my skinny girl friends have had some dating horror stories too but it def seems muuuuuuuch less frequent.

    I wouldn't give up on online dating completely, I met a wonderful guy who I fell in love with and was with for almost a year before we had to part ways, but we both still love and care about each other so it is def possible… But man they are right when they say you have to kiss a lot of frogs… on the bright side, the internet saves some saliva. :)

  • http://www.kb-in-nyc.com KB IN NYC

    Cece, such a great post and thank you for letting me be a part of it!

    I didn't address the issue of weight in my own post, but I wanted to say that I totally agree with some of the comments that your readers have made.

    I do not have a weight issue, although my weight has definitely fluctuated over the years. What I can say is, no matter whether I'm 10 pounds lighter or heavier, I still have the SAME results with dating. In fact, even when I am at my most perfect weight, there is almost zero difference in terms of my dating success.

    One of my best friends was a plus size princess and she had men lining up to date her. She was sexy, sassy and uber confident and THAT was what the men responded to.

    I think being attractive to the opposite sex, and to other people in general, comes from knowing who you are and being comfortable in your own skin.

    I know you Cece, and you are without a doubt the total package. Keep on keepin' on fabulous lady.

    XKB

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09008970614529530430 amylouRN

    Hey Cece,
    I found your blog by chance awhile back and have really enjoyed reading it. This entry struck a chord, because I've had these feelings.

    I've been thinking that maybe I was the one with the problem, because maybe I was being too picky and wasn't being open-minded enough and maybe I should just be happy that anyone was even interested. (there's that occasional lack of confidence kicking in) There are specific reasons why I'm not attracted to the men who seem to be the only ones contacting me, but you know what, that's ok. On those lonely nights I have to remind myself that I'm a woman with a lot of positives to offer and there's nothing wrong with wanting someone special that I actually have some things in common with. I have to remind myself that just because I'm a PSP, which realistically does limit the available dating pool, I don't have to settle. I have to wait for that person who's right for me, not just someone who's available.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09003971342905726455 Lisafashionista

    Girl, I know how you feel. But as a married woman I can tell you it works itself out eventually. But gaining confidence is what got me there.

    I think that a lot of times we as big girls want to give men a chance then we maybe should because: a)we know that sometimes people might not give us that chance because of our size and we don't want to do that b)if we don't have high self esteem we're happy to get the attention, even if we realize down the road the man is a homeless tranny lover.

    Listen, you can't always tell someone will end being weird or creepy or boring or whatever, but I think that when you know for sure that you can/will attract the man you WANT then you will find the stray homeless guy more amusing and less frustrating.

    I want you to reject business card man after email one, reject homeless man after homeless but prior to trannie loving, and just hang on for mr. sexy nice guy who I am SO SURE is out there for you because you are fabulous, and having met you in person can vouch for your gorgeousness as well!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09826177885767438626 NikStar

    Weight has nothing to do with anything, point blank. My boyfriend, I think is quite attractive. I date attractive men. I'm approached by many different types. I have horror stories about the type of guys that approach me, but I don't blame it on my weight. I guess some people believe that all overweight women have low self esteem and that we are easy targets. EFF THAT WAY OF THINKING!

  • Anonymous

    I'll give you what I think is an analogous scenario from a guy. I'm not tall. I'm not short mind you but not tall (I'm 5'8"). I can tell you that closes a great many doors with women. They'd see me from across the room and not give me the chance. I've heard women say time and again "I just want to me a nice guy" and there I'd be single and yes, nice. But I'm too short so move along, nothing to see here. Oddly women are more forgiving of weight than height (imho). Similarly, many guys see a heavier girl and won't give her the time of day. Just a fact.

    I've been told that you need to dress what you mean to attract. Want to find a rocker guy? Dress like a rocker chick. Like Wall Street types? Dress as Mrs. Wall Street. Not sure if it's 100% effective but what you wear sends signals.

    Oddly, the woman I married is exactly my height. She laughs b/c she hates wearing heels anyway so it works out fine. She does wear them to weddings and such but it bothers neither of us that she's taller.

    Also, the women I know seem to have far more "war stories" as you put it than the men. Men will usually just say it didn't work out.

    You're in NYC which has an enormous number of single men. It's a numbers game at this point, like sales. Meet enough guys and eventually you'll find a keeper. Law of averages. Fret not and try not to pass over a nice guy. Could be he's a diamond in the rough.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09086500727998442794 “Just Sayin…..”

    I've been fit most of my life, and heavier for the last 10 years.

    I wouldnt trade this experience for anything, as now I've been on both sides of the fence.

    I'm always surprised how men feel comfortable telling the "big" me about sexual conquest, desires,or strongly voicing their opinion about "big" girls… like I'm going to agree or something. Them not knowing I was once more fit than them.

    However those same men I bet would never talk like that to me if I was not a "big" girl.

    It is very disconcerning that most men think bigger girls are desperate or willing to be more freaky cos we're hard up?

    I dont know about you and your readers, but my life and sex life alike are not hard up. I make more money than some of these men, have nicer things, and a better sense of character, all for once being thin and now being a big girl.

    A jerk is a jerk regardless of the venue you met him in, and what size you may be. I'm just glad the jerky side shows up sooner than later.

    This posting gave me a lot to think about… sorry about the homeless guy, but you are right…. all women are out of his league while he is unstable and chasing trannies for affection.

  • Red1

    Off topic question.(however the post made me think about it)…..but what happened to Kevin?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08417356206569429078 Jane

    Your size has nothing to do with it. I once went on a great first date with a cute guy who seemed normal. He didn't call, so I wrote it off as just one of those things. He finally called a week later, told me he hadn't called after our date because he'd been up for three days straight on meth(!), and then slept for four days after that. He kept saying that a nice "doe-eyed" girl like me could really help him turn his life around. I think he was just looking for an enabler, and I had the seemingly perfect combination of financial stability and kindness. From what I later heard of the guy from a mutual acquaintance, he cast a pretty wide net. Apparently, he eventually managed to find a really sweet, beautiful girl who was way too good for him.

    In other words, this:

    "But maybe I should consider that maybe these "bottom feeder" types have nothing to lose so they're just more forward and outrageous and therefore I encounter them more"

    Actually, come to think of it I once had a jerky coworker who told me that he always told girls something REALLY outrageous on the first date (his example was that he fantasized about killing hookers), and that if they didn't react really badly, he knew he could date them and, as he put it, "get away with doing whatever [he] wanted." He dated a lot of thin, "hot" girls. What they all had in common was that they just didn't have the self-confidence to tell him to STFU.

  • Jenny

    I don't think the anonymous guys comment is really representative of the general population of men. Lets face it, if he was an "attractive man with means", he wouldn't spend his time on a plus size womans blog. He should be out earning his means and chasing hot women.
    I also have the same problem with dodgy men! I think you'll find that the main factor contributing to your lack of fabulous men is because the good ones are either taken, or gay!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15813457570305962936 Carla(LoverofWords)

    I do not believe that I am a reflection of what is attracted to me. Because I get all of kinds. However I generally get married men and this I dare say is a reflection of part of my personality and I know this because I have asked them..
    One told me that he liked me because he knew that I did not need him thus I would not be clingy or try to "blow up his spot" and another told me that it just because I was nothing like his wife (and this i hear a lot). See I am a daddy's girl with a mean momma who made us all (my five sisters and myself) independent, ball breaking, no time for weak men type sisters. And I promise you that I not the easiest woman to date because sometimes I just don't want to be bothered.. And for some reason that makes them chase me even more..
    On the other hand I meet men that are emotionally wounded either from cheating spouses, deceased spouses or just crazy baby mamas. Now these men always want to seek their peace wherever I am. Having a bad week let jump in my ride and drive 14 hours to spend the weekend. The problem with this is they get dependent and never want to move on. Because truthfully once you have cried in front of me I am no longer attracted to you.. PERIOD… So fear not honey we all have our types that we attract and sometimes it just because you gave him the time of day. I can think of no trait that would make you more attractive to closeted gay men other than you have a big heart.

  • http://mysexystories.com/blog/2010/05/06/rules-of-attraction-how-to-get-the-guy/ Anneleah

    When you read Rules of Attraction: How To Get The Guy, you realize that whether you attract the wrong type of guy or not is not the point. The point is that you were in control and you were confident. It really is all about you, and that is damn sexy!

  • http://luvessentials.com/pheromones_women.html women pheromones

    Interesting post! I enjoyed reading it. Anyway, some women uses pheromone to attract men that they like. Just want to share it. Thanks for sharing.

    -nickolei-

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08072366709639932651 IntrigueMe

    I've been asking myself the same question lately, so I can't provide any constructive insight and I'm sorry for that. Please do fill me in if you find the answer!

  • Nellie

    I know this is all the guys who hit on me, 80% of them are either in a long term relationship, or they are married. I have 7 guys chasing me around right now, only 3 of them are single. How does that even happen? I must be a Siren is all I can think. Is that better than attracting old men, crazy men, or smelly men, I don’t know. But it sure would be nice to attract available men.

  • Pingback: Is Dating as a Plus Size Princess a Blessing or a Curse? | The Big Girl Blog: Plus Size Dating, Fashion, Beauty, Fitness & Lifestyle

  • Peace

    You’re luckier than I. All I ever seem to attract are closeted gay men, and out, lesbian women. There are times I simply want to give up on it all. :(

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