Curvy Conversations: He’s Not Looking For Anything Serious

Filed Under: Curvy Conversations, Dating

Hey CeCe,

I am a PSP and I need some advice. I finally got the courage to tell my childhood friend who I’ve known since I was four (I’m 25 now) that I have strong feelings for him. To my dismay, he told me that he did not like me “in that way” but he hoped things wouldn’t change between us. He also said that he didn’t want to be in a serious relationship and that he was at a point in his life where he was tired of playing games with women’s hearts and their emotions. He claimed he wanted to be able to “do him” without hurting anyone and that he would never want to hurt me.

Ever since I told him I feel awkward around him and in the back of my mind I feel like he doesn’t “like me in that way” because of my size. Now granted he constantly tells me I am beautiful and compliments me. Our friendship is so complicated because he liked me when we were younger and I was afraid of taking it there because of my insecurities.

I am the one he calls when he is upset and needs to vent, when something exciting happens, or just to have lighthearted conversations which can go on for hours. When I tried to distance myself from him he would get angry then say that I was acting differently. As if that wasn’t bad enough he now has a skinny girlfriend that is full of drama and is extremely jealous. Since the beginning of the relationship he has been calling me complaining about her and broken up with her several times because of her crazy ways but says that he loves her (not in love) and feels sorry for her so he stays. I try my best to give him a objective opinion but sometimes it is hard. I just found out that she does not like me because of his and my close relationship but she pretends that she does which pisses me off but I continue to tolerate her because of him.

Everybody around us says we act like “boyfriend and girlfriend” but I don’t think so I am just friendly, you know making the best out of the situation at hand. One night at a party we both attended when I saw him he smiled and said you are the prettiest girl in here tonight and the whole night he was staring at me and complimenting me. (Oh and his girlfriend was also in attendance at the party:-o) It is so funny because whenever a guy express interest in me or I mention a guy he starts to act differently towards me.

I want to just cease communication so I can heal. He calls me his “favorite girl” and says that I am one of the most important women in his life and one of the few people that he can really trust which makes it even harder to distance myself from him. I love him but I want to get off of this emotional roller coaster I am on.

So should I cut him off completely so I can heal? or should I take one for the team and be miserable?

Sincerely,
Ms. I just want it to be over

P.S. I also have to tell you that I absolutely xoxo your blog!:)

Dear Ms. I Just Want It To Be Over,

Your letter actually contains all the answers you’re looking for. Lets go through it and see what advice you’ve given yourself:

He also said that he didn’t want to be in a serious relationship and that he was at a point in his life where he was tired of playing games with women’s hearts and their emotions. When a guy tells you that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, what he really means is that He doesnt want to be in a relationship…

1.)ever
2.)right now
or
3.)with you

Either way, we have to listen and respect that. Obviously its hard for you because there was a time when he was ready to be with you and you let your insecurities get in the way, but if he’s saying he doesn’t want to play with women’s hearts, maybe he knows something about himself right now that you don’t. Maybe he’s protecting you from something… it doesnt matter, you can’t change his mind.

Ever since I told him I feel awkward around him and in the back of my mind I feel like he doesn’t “like me in that way” because of my size. Now granted he constantly tells me I am beautiful and compliments me. Then its not your size, he obviously finds you attractive (he has for a while).

It is so funny because whenever a guy express interest in me or I mention a guy he starts to act differently towards me….He calls me his “favorite girl” and says that I am one of the most important women in his life and one of the few people that he can really trust which makes it even harder to distance myself from him. This guy knows how to keep you close, but he doesn’t want you too close to him or any other guys. Sounds like he wants to “have his cake and eat it too” and that’s never cool.

A friend once said to me “don’t let a man sit in a seat that may be meant for someone else”. If you’re anything like me, When you get into these half-relationships (p.s. I’m swearing all of mine off for 2010), you start giving them priority seating in your life. This is making it hard for any guy who’s standing in the wings, waiting to be with you. And its not like you have priority seating in his life. He’s given his #1 seat to some dramatic girl that he “feels sorry for”.

I want to get off of this emotional roller coaster I am on. So should I cut him off completely so I can heal? or should I take one for the team and be miserable? Its clear that you’re a great girl (why else would he work so hard to keep you around?) but at some point you have to decide what you’re worth. Why would you stay in a friendship that makes you miserable? He’s allegedly staying with his girlfriend out of guilt and now it seems he’s guilted you into being his “half-girlfriend”. You say you want to get off the emotional roller coaster and I think that’s a great idea.

You were honest enough to say that in order for you to heal, you need to “cut him off completely”… if that’s what it takes, I say get out the scissors.

xoxo,
CeCe

P.S. Reading this letter made me think about a lot of things in my own life, so I hope I was able to answer with clarity. TBGB Readers, do you have anything to add? Is there anything I missed?

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Published on Thursday, January 21, 2010
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18 Comments
  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07514962664577546321 Dr. Ujjwal

    Today I have first seen a blog that is writing something other than plus size fashions or modeling or health. I really enjoyed your playful writing.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02918581020152177216 The Girl Least Likely To

    I've been in the same situation, except he really broke my heart when he had a baby with his girlfriend and called me to go see his baby at the hospital. I felt like I needed to cut him out of my life in order to get over him and for a while I did. I changed my phone number and moved (not because of him) and felt like he didn't need my contact info. After a year and a half, he found and we became friends again. I keep him at a safe distance, I don't allow myself to make him a priority anymore and I'm okay this way. I just needed some "me" time in order to heal, move on and view him just as a friend.

  • Secretia

    My advice would be to let him go, keep him at a distance like a relative you see twice a year, and move on.

    Secretia

  • Anonymous

    OMG Cece thank you for responding to my email!:) After I read what you wrote it was as if I had all the answers I was looking for within the email I had written. I guess I just didn't want to lose someone that was such a major part of my life but I decided that distanting myself from him is a must. The last straw was last weekend when he and I were together and he was driving me home I felt an emptiness and indifferent towards him which was a first. We had just come from his house where him and his girlfriend has made a "happy home", I just kept thinking to myself "you deserve to be treated better than this so let it go." Then I thought about the times I tried to open up to him and he shut me down and all the times he told me and I witnessed his girlfriend shed manipulative tears and have a emotional breakdown and he ran back to her every single time yet he wouldn't even try to take the time to listen and take in to consideration how I felt about the particular situation. Thanks again for the advice though, I know I just wrote my whole life story(lol) it just feels so good to get it out. 2010 No More Games
    Ms. I'm Moving On

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/01016766408943064599 Beth @ Kitchen Minions

    I have sooo been there. I agree, if he says he's not ready for a relationship, he does not want to date me. So many times a guy is not ready but magically is ready when another girl comes along…Don't let him in too close… it wastes your time and space.

  • Anonymous

    Take a break, put a little distance there. In a while, you'll be able to reflect and see if you're happier without him or not. Maybe you just need to gain some perspective from afar.

  • Anonymous

    This is so timely, as I have a similar situation with a male co-worker. Over the last year we became really close friends, to the point where we were talking on the phone almost every night. We often hung out together, either going to the movies/lunch (he would always pay) or just hanging out at my house (strictly platonic). All throughout this friendship, he was constantly telling me how beautiful and intelligent he thought I was. I really valued this relationship because it had been a while since I had a close male friend. He recently started seeing someone, and all communication outside of work stopped – no more phone calls, texts, facebook messages. He didn't return the last call I made to him, and he even "forgot" some plans he had with me prior to meeting this woman. Yet he still wants to talk at work. I have limited my communication with him at work, only saying enough to not be rude. I have come to the conclusion that he was using me as some kind of "pseudo-girlfriend" until a real one came along. At first I was hurt; now I'm just angry and resentful. I realize that I definitely put him in a seat that he did not deserve. For the record: I am a 35-year-old PSP and he is 36.
    I think this blog is fabulous, and this is the first time I have been moved to leave a comment in response to a blog post!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04062744050350668104 Girl of True Heart

    Absolutely ladies and gentlemen, never allow someone to be a priority in your life when you are just an option in theirs. Whatever the details of the relationship are.

  • http://fairlyodd.net frances

    Not to be a naysayer, but this letter reminds me of men who pretend to be the nice guy in order to get into a girl's pants. Play the friend role as a means to an end is not being a true friend. I've had more than one male "friend" pull this act with me, and then drop our "friendship" because I wasn't interested in having a relationship with him.

    He's just not that into you, and if you were a real friend you would accept that and move on, instead of becoming bitter and jealous over his current situation.

    Just because he finds you attractive and tells you so does not mean he is sexually interested in you. I have plenty of friends I find attractive, and I have no problem telling them that, especially when they are feeling insecure and need a mental boost, which I suspect is what's going on in this case.

    If you feel you need to set some boundaries in order to feel okay, then go right ahead. But ending a life long friendship because he doesn't want to be with you is basically punishing him for not sharing your feelings. It's not fair, and it makes you a bad friend.

  • Anonymous

    I think he is an undercover chubby chaser.

  • Anonymous

    He is an undervover chubby chaser

  • Anonymous

    I love this blog and I am a man

  • http://viethewonderingnomad.wordpress.com/ Vie

    The line between friends and "more than friends" can be hard to define in situations like this, but he has told you he doesn't want to be with you that way, and you need to believe it. It doesn't make him a bad guy, necessarily. He probably wants you to be happy. Having said that, with regard to his behavior when you start seeing guys, it's likely he's behaving in weird ways either to: a) give you some space to go after a new guy, or because b) he's afraid of how it will change your friendship. My Advice: call him out on it next time to try to figure out where it's coming from. On that note, it's also possible he doesn't want to go there with you *because* you are one of his best friends, and even though he finds you lovely, he just doesn't see you that way. If you need some time apart from him to heal and get over this, I would take it. But perhaps what you *really* need to do is to honestly, truly put yourself out there and to be open to the idea of seeing someone else, and to start dating people who want to be with you.

  • Anonymous

    Thanks for all the advice everyone I definitely appreciate it. I made the decision to talk to him yesterday and get out my frustration and feelings. After some deep thinking I realized that he and I friendship means a lot to one another so I couldn't let the situation tear us apart. He was so considerate and took the time to listen to everything I had to say and I did the same finally. It was so difficult to have that one on one conversation but now I feel better knowing that I got it all out in the open. I know that he truly loves me and does not want to hurt me and I couldn't punish him for doing the things I expect most from a man which is respect me and tell me the truth. I also know I used the weight card also I kept thinking that he didn't want me because of my size at first which after accessing that I know that was not true because since we were children he has always said I was beautiful and like Frances said just because someone thinks your attractive doesn't mean they want you sexually. It's a catch 22 because when he wanted me "in that way" I didn't want to take it there so I know I was being a bit selfish acting the way I did. @Vie I think since I finally got over the situation with my friend now I can move on and start to enjoy all the fun and interesting aspects of dating without being emotional bound to him. I can truly say it feels like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. My advice to anyone in a similar situation is to put yourself in the other persons shoes and if you are upset tell the person in a calm manner because holding in your emotions will only make it worse. I think the greatest lesson I learned from this is to fully love myself which I now do so I don't need affirmation from anyone to make me feel good. I have that confidence to get the man that I truly deserve that will love me for all that I am. PSP's keep your head up and live life to the fullest!:)

  • Anonymous

    Ladies don't worry so much about your size. Be yourselves dress nice and all will fall in place there are many men that adore you like myself. I wish there where more clubs in NYC For Big girls and the clubs that I see I feel like I am the outcast because of race. I don't like going to places where I feel like a foreginer. So whoever runs these clubs is reading try to make or try to appeal to all races.

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  • http://alisondee.wordpress.com Alison

    I am going through old posts of yours as you can see and this post caught my eye.

    I went through something similar to this girl and from the experience I have learnt that if a guy wants to be with you, he will be with you. It is not the right time and all those other silly excuses are just that…. excuses.

    So ladies if this happens please do not waste your time !!! I would suggest you watch ‘He’s Just not that Into You’ because most of the stuff they say in that movie is true !!

    p.s i love love love your blog

    xxx

  • http://charmingpumpkin.blogspot.com Kelsey

    I once found myself in an identical situation. Without saying too much about the whole situation, I will say this: while it was incredibly difficult to cut ties with the guy in question, my decision to do so was easily one of the best choices I ever made. Did it royally suck at first? Yes. He had been such a huge part of my life. But I also realized that I deserved better. And, after kissing more frogs than I’d like to admit, I found a guy who’s worth ten million of the one I left behind. ;) SO just remember: you DO deserve better, and you WILL find better.

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