I’m really good at dating “B” or even “C” list guys.

“B/C” list guys are guys who don’t meet my basic standards, who fall short on most of the qualities I’d expect from a man who was seriously interested in me. I think in the past I’ve found comfort in knowing that a guy is “out of his league” when he’s with me. I know its bad, but I think it helps me to keep my guard up, keep them at a distance…

I mean, its a lot easier to let go of something that isn’t a legitimate option, right?

Even though I’ve wasted time dating men who I really couldn’t see a future with, I’ve never let go of the idea that one day a guy would come along and he’d be all the things I wanted/needed him to be. Sadly, its just now hitting me that the idea never included him coming along while I was a PSP. I’m realizing that never in my wildest dreams did I think that I might find what I was looking for before I lost a significant amount of weight.

So… now we have Robert, who easily surpasses the things that I expect from a guy who’s interested in me (as he may be). We’re spending time together– hanging out, getting to know each other… but then something happens; when I’m alone, I freak out. I convince myself that what’s happening isn’t real. I convince myself that he’s just being friendly. At first I blamed what Jeremy put me through for my hesitation, but I think it goes deeper than that…

The high that I feel when Robert and I are together is followed by a terrifying low when I’m alone. I tell myself that somehow I’ve tricked him into hanging out with me every weekend and he’s just too nice to say “no”. I find myself talking about him constantly to friends, not because I’m obsessed with him, but because I’m trying to convince myself that this is actually happening… that he’s actually interested in me, which would imply that there’s an amount of attraction there as well.

How is it that I can understand that the “B/C” list guys who don’t treat me as well as they should are missing out. But at the same time not understand that an “A” list guy who dates me is getting a good thing?

My once solid self esteem is melting in the face of an actual prospect, I’m so disappointed in myself. I swore I was better than this… but I guess I didn’t believe it.