Word/Expression: Pity Pretty

Definition: When someone gives you a compliment out of obligation.

Origin: My sister, Denise, coined the term when she came to New York to visit me one summer and a flamboyant gay man saw me, stopped dead in his tracks and started singing/yelling/snapping about how “GORGEOUS!” I was. Before I could even say “thank you” he turned his head sharply towards Denise (who is much smaller than me and super cute) and gave her the “once over”.

… and thus the phrase was born!

Example A:

The first time I got a Plus Size Pity Pretty I was 16 years old. I was away at vocal camp and ended up having a conversation with an openly gay 18 year old boy. We were having one of those “deep” teenage talks, and the subject turned to beauty.

He gave me a smile that was so self-gratifying, it was almost as if he didn’t realize I was still there. In focusing solely on how open he was to see beauty in ugly things, he failed to realize what he was saying about me.

My heart sank.

Then out of nowhere came courage I didn’t know I had, I looked him square in the face and said,

“So… I’m unattractive?”

“Well— Er– No– What I meant was– You’re Just….” He stammered on for a few moments until I rolled my eyes and changed the subject.

Example B:

I was in college and I went to a gay bar for karaoke with some friends. I was standing near the bar when a guy swiveled around on his bar stool pointed at me and said “YOU are gorgeous…”

“Thanks,” I said casually.

He took my hand.

“No… listen to me you are a really pretty girl! You need to know that!”

“Okay,” I said.

“I don’t care what anyone else says… You. Are. Fabulous!!”

I pulled my hand away and walked outside. Before I knew it my eyes were stinging and my throat was tight, I took deep breaths to keep the tears from falling. He had said so many “nice” things but what stuck out to me was “I don’t care what anyone else says…” What exactly do “they” say… I wondered.

Before you start to assume that Pity Pretty’s only come from gay men, I give you…

Example C:

After a wonderful date at the movies and a walk along Central Park, I let Benjamin come upstairs for a glass of wine. He leaned against the doorway of my kitchen as I opened a bottle of Riesling.

“You know, you really are a beautiful girl,” he said.

I looked at him, smiled and turned around to grab two glasses from the cabinet. I guess my silent-yet-gracious reception of his compliment wasn’t enough, because he then said.

“What? You’ve never had a man tell you that you were beautiful?”

I turned around and he had a proud smirk on his face, as if he had done me a great favor. Little did he know that I’ve had men telling me I was beautiful since the day I was born… starting with my Father.

I’ve always had enough people building me up, that I was rarely shaken when people tried to tear me down. Am I insecure? Absolutely! but any body image issues I have don’t come from other people… they come from me! I am my own worst critic, but no matter how hard I am on myself if I take a step outside of my apartment and I am met with intense opposition.

You see class, I know I am one of many Plus Size Princesses who don’t go a single day in New York City with out an approving glance, double take or positive remark from someone. I know people find me attractive, I know that people think I’m beautiful, I know there are men that want me.

Now, I’m not asking you to put an end to your compliments, but make sure they’re coming from a genuine place. When a girl is big, it doesn’t automatically mean her self esteem is zero. Be mindful of what you say and how you say it because in your quest for kindness you may end up doing more harm than good.

Class dismissed!